Life — January 27, 1910 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“LIFE: Blood Will Tell ATELY a Missouri Mule in search of knowledge and wisdom repaired to Boston, the Bean and Brain center of the world; and he was directed to the Asylum of the New England Hysterical and Genealogical Society, where are stored the Pilgrim and Puri tan Fathers and their odor of sanctity. and where ancestors are kept on tap. The Mule met the Society by its proxy, the Janitor, who said to him: “ There is nothing so honorable, O Mule, as a family history and a genealogical chart! You are but a mule, but a mule must have had ancestors; and when even a mule has been dead a long time he may be- come a sacred historical personage. Who knows but you may be a lineal descendant of Balaam’s ass, a noble animal, a splendid orator! "” “Nay, sir,” said the Mule, waving his tail sadly, “a mule is cut off from the hope of posterity; he is al- ways the last of his race; and I can’t figure out where he comes in on ancestors.” “ My dear Mule,” the Janitor remarked loftily, “ This Society could find an ancestry for a protoplasm; and shall it balk at a mule? Never! Come with me.” Then he led him into the penctralia of the Asylum, until he came to the ancestral files, where ke stopped and murmured: “ Mule! Mule! Shall I search under the head of donkey or horse? It is always safer to look for ancestors among the donkeys." He took down the D file, looked it over, smiled and said: “Here We are. Just as [ thought ; a very distinguished and ancient family,"" as he opened a manuscript “The first mule of merit in England, landed with Hengist and Horsa; his name was Stupidity and he was accompanied by his parents, Ignorance and Brutality. The family was rural in its habits, democratic in its tastes, and loved the common people. Pretty good stock, ch¢ The family continued to live on the soil for ages, but one offshoot which did not submit to the Normans became known as the Obstinacy branch; while another, which was sullenly submissive to the Conqueror, founded the Stubborn family, a young and more pliable shoot of the latter becoming Baron of Sense and founder of the Asininity family. The Mules were getting on; and after the Reformation we find a number of the family, called by the name of Conservatism, who were all intimately related to a dis- tinguished ass called Precedent, occupying positions of honor and power in church and state. It was from this branch the American Mule family traces its descent, and I congratulate you, Sir, on your distinction. The coat of arms of the family mule rampant tied to a post kicking a locomotive marked Progress, with a bend sinister across the shield. The chart and coat of arms will be $25 and you can settle at the desk upstairs."* The Missouri Mule, waved his cars and brayed haughtily as he said: “Thank you, my man. No more corn and alfalfa for this mule; no more simple life in the cotton field for me. Hereafter nothing but predigested Timothy and sterilized Oats for me.” “You have the proper aristocratic spirit,"” said the Janitor, “and when you go back to Missouri, call all the mules together, announce your superiority and organize societies of Colonial Dames, Descendents of Kings, Sons and Daughters of the Revolution and the Brotherhood of Balaam. Good-bye Sir.”* —Joseph Smith “ YoU SEE, MR. STORK, MY EXCELLENT ARRANGEMENT TO KEE THE CHILDREN FROM SWALLOWING ALL THE BUTTONS IN THY novuse.”” Water ATER is used in Wall street and the Atlantic and other oceans. It is also a part of the equipment of most railroads. About the only place where it is not considered necessary is Kentucky. Water may be hot, cold or tepid. When hot, it is poured on young babies by innocent parents, drank by dyspeptics or displayed in geyscrs that people come for hundreds of miles to see. Tepid it is found in most apartments when you want it hot; it is also used on dining room tables in England. Cold water is made at the north and south poles and sent to our doors in currents. In this form it often contains iccbergs. It is sometimes used for cold baths in the winter, but many people prefer death in other form. On the beach in summer time it often covers a multitude of shins. Blocks of water are often sent inland by express, enclosed in glass, and used as aquariums. Thus many gold fish, who otherw! would have a monotonous lake to swim in, get a much needed change of scene. The brains of many people contain ninety per cent. water, The rest is unknown. Without it we should have no mi- crobes, for, through it, they swim into our constitutions, where they are continually fighting for supremacy. This gives us more time than if we had to sort them out ourselves, and arrange them in our systems every hour or so. . ME FIGURED WITHOUT HIS HOST comicbooks.com