Life — November 11, 1909 — page 11: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Husbands’ Correspondence Bureau (No connection with any other establishment) E regret to say that the branches we have established in different parts of the country are not doing so well as we expected. Last week our Chicago branch was mobbed by a lot of wives who found that their husbands were under- going treatment, and our local manager there barely escaped with his life. We have been trying to fill his place ever since, but the applications are naturally very few Our 'Frisco, St. Louis and Omaha branches have had similar trouble. And so, after mature deliberation, we have concluded that we shall hereafter do our business from this office, as heretofore. The fact is, it requires such an amount of sympathy and tact to deal with obstinate cases constantly coming along that we can't expect an ordinary person to know how to treat them. We don’t believe in boasting, but our friends, and practically all of our customers. seem to be unanimous in the opinion that we have a natural born genius for this business. We had hoped in a number of cases to save traveling expenses by having branches, but it doesn’t scem to work. Besides all this, most of our customers like to come on and sce us personally and look over our office force and be entertained by our special entertainment com- mittee. Our secing-the-Tenderloin auto still leaves regularly every hour. We are now employing a blond chauffeur and the auio is crowded. > 0 8 HE only exception to the branch offices will be at Salt Lake City, We shall still keep open there, but merely to arrange the bus ness end. When we first started up we undertook to give our Salt Lake City cus. tomers our course at the regular price, but we found that no sooner had we cured one wife than another sprang up. Now we employ a local manager and detective to ascertain how many wives a man has before we make a contract with him. We don’t care much for the Salt Lake trade, anyway. We only keep it up for practice and on account of conscientious scruples. Money isn’t everything, and we feel bound to do all the good we can. Since abandoning our branches, however, it has come to our notice that several of our old managers, being thrown out of a job, have started up for themselves, and hope to keep away from us our trade. We mention this not because we care, but merely to warn everybody not to go to any local man. If you have had trouble with your wife, it's in the air, What you really need, first of all, is to come on and get in touch with us. We may not be be able to see you personally, but the mere fact that you are in another environment and come into personal con- tact with the machinery of this office is worth a lot toward a complete cure, Send for our Galaxy of Beauties. We have received the following About two months ago T subscribed to your full course of treat- ment, paying in advance one-half of your fee. I had some doubt about the efficacy of your treatment, and purposely kept you in ignorance of what my wife was. I wanted to see if it was possible to do anything in my case, as you claim to cure anything in the shape of trouble. Rut things are no better with me, and I write to Her Protector; WERE COMES YER MA, CLARISSE MIDE BEHIND ME. quick! know what you are going to do about it? You are mighty fond of blowing your own horn, but you don't know everything. Our friend is one of those smart people who love to show they know it all, and do their best to place others at a disad- vantage. We have only this to say: When we took his case on we had doubts on account of his reticence in conveying information. So we sent our special agent to his town and discovered that his wife was president of the woman's club, was running for office on the school board, and was working hammer and tongs for the suffragette movement. We there- fore cheerfully return his money and wish him joy. He laughs best who laughs last. Besides, we never have said that we could cure every case. This is no miracle factory. If our friend assumes, however, that he can enjoy himself on his next trip to town he is vastly mistaken, We have a special arrangements with the police department to permit only our regular customers to enjoy the benefit of their protection, and if be thinks he can find relief from home troubles from this time on he will know better the first night he strikes town. However, we wish him no particular harm, and any time he wants to send his money back and be reinstated with our entertainment committee we will interpose no objection. We are by no means heartless and any man with a wife like that is entitled to the utmost sympathy. E are not soliciting new trade; we have our hands full at present with the many prob- lems presented to us; at the same time, while we have our health and strength left, we in- tend to do as much as we can for all the suf. We feel that Our new appli fering husbands in this country it would be wrong for us to limit our field cation blanks are ready, and we ask that they be filled ou promptly and returned to us with the customary fee. We don’t insist upon payment in advance, but we can wait on you more promptly if it is inclosed. Any husband feeling the need of our services should fill out the questions that follow: comicbooks.com