Life — September 30, 1909 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

What Fie Wage Earner Knows HAT he is not getting enough honey the man next to him is That That fore election than after. That his chances to dent That an increase in too much. he is more popular be~ be Presi- are becoming — slimmer the f. ily is equivalent to a decrease in wages, That he w money if it did to live uild be n't cost so much able to save What Every Wife Knows T her hushand doesn't appreciate Tine That “two thought" is a beautiful fiction That it is a great deal to be a wife than a husband That her husband isn't so polite as he was before they were married. That she is the only woman in town who knows how to take care of a child properly souls with but a single more difficult Every Preacher Knows HAT he is a superior being. That it is hard to get money That it is still harder to bring up chil- dren. That everybody who pays pew rent is not religious That sor he is going to branch out and become real independent day ROFESSOR HEADSTRONG: “I am greatly interested in the present wspaper controversy, but I am of the opinion that no explorer should be cred ited who docs not erect a wireless tele- graph station at the North Pole. This of course will not be feasible until learn how to send ham sandwiches and other articles of diet by wireless.”* Dr. Phido Squinter objected strenu- ously to being quoted at this juncture; but, after being coaxed, he said with be- coming modesty: “It may be stated with scientific accuracy that either or both Cook or (and) Peary did or did not dis- cover the North Pole as claimed.”” be we Do by EL What Every Lawyer Knows HAT fees stop when cases are settled. That technicalities furnish a mnulti- tude of fees. That it is all right to be honest if con- venient That no one is ever satisfied with the outcome of a lawsuit That a lawsuit is a which the judge ha That it is a great deal easier to get into a lawsuit’ than it is to get out That knowledge of human nature is more important than knowledge of the conundrum at the last guess. Jaw That the chief mourners usually at the court-house on the way back from the funeral stop Scientific Opinions Dr. Ass Trologer was by your reporter hard at work on his annual prophecy as to the end of the world. He have carefully examined the stars under which Dr. Cook was born, married, cte., and I find that he positively did not discover the pole.”” Dr. Trologer claims a relationship with Licutenant Peary under the Theosophist code Hon. Oldham Blackstone was asked for his opinion: but, after thoroughly exam- ining his most complete law library, he refrained on the ground that, as there was no precedent in any of the law books covering the discovery of the pole, he would have to wait until discovered said: “I Every Newspaperman Knows HAT the headline is the text That circulation’ is than reputation That embellishment is more than ts. That one divorce case is worth a hun- dred tariff bills. That the only news worth printing is that which is not fit to print mightier than more important That every paper has a business office with decided editorial opinions. Every Husband Knows HAT he than he receives. That all other husbands are happier than he is. hat is entitled to more respect he would give anything if his wife only loved him as much as she once did That his wife gets less value for the money she spends than any other wife That bly live as cheaply as one, especially if one of them is a woman, two cannot possi What Every Writer HAT he can write That editors are of literature That his product would sell if he only had the name to back it up That chief difficulty is down to the level of the public. That he could easily write a great deal he only knew what to write Knows very poor judges the to write more if about the Supreme Court slept on the case. Professor Terwilliger Tweedledum said : “TL take no interest in the personal con- between Messrs. Cook and Modesty forbids my saying that but I may say troversy Peary I am an eminent scientist, that I am eminently 2 such, I cannot too emphatically refute the charge that the discovery of the North Pole had anything whatsoever to do with the recent cold spell.”” Several politicians were also ap- proached, but they all thought it not wise to express an opinion until after the regular conventions of their respective parties. scientist, and, as comicbooks.com