Life — July 29, 1909 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

M rs,—Major-General Olympian Na- tional Guard, Son of George W Jupiter, Esq., and Hera Parthenia, his wife. Born at Governor's Island, Heli- con Harbor, A. J. 23. Educated West Pontifex Maximus, graduating at head of his class in strategy and com- sary science 1 love of fig ing from his er, through whose influence with the administration he secured appointment of chief-of-staff in the Olympian National Guard, later be- coming Secretary of War in Cabinet of President Zeusvelt. Police Commissioner Elysia for sev- eral years, with marked ine, fluence upon the state of érime: made Colonel of Rough Riders of Pegasus at outbreak of Tartarian War; distinguished himself at Battle of Helicon Hill, run- ning from base to summit thirteen times in thirt minutes before the enemy knew he had arrived, captur- ing cight bastions, sixteen redoubts, eighty-four bugles and a trombone, without any casualties, turning the latter instruments immediately upon the cnemy and blowing them off the field. In recog- nition of this heroic service was appointed Governor of one of the outlying planets, since named for him, upon which be construct derful and stupendous canals, which are still considered astronomers and others who have seen them through the large end of a spy-glass to be marvels of engineering. Author of “Alone in Tar- taros,"" “Me, an Autobiography," Mollycoddles I Have Met,"’ “ Hunting Grizzlies in Hades,” “ Race Suicide as a Menace to the Ar and a large num- ber of fugitive papers on all other sub- jects. Regarded by everybody, including himself, as chief understudy of Jove, in whose place he sits during the latter's absences from Olympus. As general manager of the universe has given satis- faction to everybody who thrives on trouble, but is looked upon with slight favor by mollycoddles, undesirables, de- scendants of Ananias, powder fakers and all members of The Down-and-Out Club. Recreations: Bowling, head-h ting, hunting trouble and making charges both on foot and by special message. Address, The War Department, en route. ree 1 several won- ‘LIFE™ Who's Who on Olympus By Jouy Kexprick Banos ra Aphrodite, daughter of sq., of Olym- ‘enus.— George W. Jupiter, pus, and Dione, his thirty-fourth wife twice removed. Inventor of the marcel wave and the décolleté gown; Secretary of the Department of Beauty in the ad- ministration of President Zeusvelt; married frequently and widowed often, but neither permanently; renowned for her capillary and other attractions; re- ceived first prize, there being no second, and all honorable mentions at the Olympian Beauty Shows for many suc- cessive seasons, until for reasons of State these were abandoned; was for many years the favorite model of the Greek and Roman sculptors working in marble, gold, bronze, the altogether and other’ mediums; was the original Praxiteles Girl who was to Sculpture what the Gibson Girl is to modern art. First woman to wear the one-piece gar- ment, and frequently not even that. Re- garded her beauty’as a trust and per- mitted the public to view it on all pos- sible occasions; held dressmakers in fine contempt, refusing to indulge in the arbitrary and whimsical dictates of 137 fashionable modistes; as Paris observed, “had no false ideas of modis which for her universal popularity among men. Author of “Much Trouble,” “The Love Songs of Everybody,” “What Is Home Without a Best Girl?’ “Girls Will Be Girls,”’ “The Man I Left Behind Me," “The Olympian Fussers’ Manual : An Exhaustive and Exhaust- ing Study of the Gentle Art of Flirting,” “Why Ie a Chaperon A Sociological Inquiry Tending to Show That She Isn't a Prime Necessity of the Happy Life by a Long Shot i crous other volun probably accot VENUS young and has remained so ever since. Recreations: Addition, multiplication and subtraction. Home address, asked and not given. All letters should be ad- dressed in care of her son and general manager, Daniel Cupid, Esq., The Arrow and Quiver Club, Hymenhurst-by-the-Sea. comicbooks.com