Life — July 1, 1909 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Who's Who on Olympus By Joux Kenorick Baxcs acchus.—Silenus Jupiter, named after his father, Jupiter, B and Colonel Silenus, head-master of the Silenus Academy of Bibulousness, where h Head of the Olympian Whisky Trust, and inventor of the Manhattan, was educated. Original ancestor of the Widow id the fam Martini and other cocktails. Cliquot, Sherry Flip, Esq us warrior, General BACCHUS. Booze, son of Jupiter by Semele, Affinity No. 19,786, Series Ja, A. J. 23. Head bartender Walderf-Olympia Hotels Com- pany, and general manager the Imperial Orgies for many years, Best mixer .in Olympian society, and much sought after by leading families of Parnassus. Founder and grand- master the Alcohol League and the Anti-Say-Whenners of Helicon, Strong advocate of Considerable as opposed to High License; knew no such word as “enough '? and strenu- ously opposed its use at after-dinner festivities. Established Home for Bacchantes, a refuge for indigent and retired Nymphs, out of gratitude for their care of him during his in- fancy at Naxos, where he was born, his mother having been accidentally hit by a thunderbolt thrown by Juno at his first birthday party. Invented the Demijohn as a substitute for the demigod as a receptacle for liquor, having discovered that the capacity of the latter was comparatively limited. Pro- prietor of The Olympian Mountain Dew Distilleries, The Independent Fizz-Water Springs of Helicon, and the Cim- merian Malt Foundries of Hades. Inventor of the Ivy Hat, a style of headgear at once easy, well ventilated and soothing to fevered brows. Recreations: High-Ball, Tight-Rope Walk- ing and Cracking Ice. Author of “Much Misery," “The Jags of Jupiter,’ “ Bacchantes I Have Backed,’? and “The Gods in Liquidation."’ Address, in care of The Day and Night Bank, Family Entrance, Vinyardhaven, Benzineburst- by-the-Sea, Ambrosia “And the Loud ‘Toxin’ Tolled Their Last Alarm™ —Campbell. ERE’S Charles!) What the matter, dear? You say your throat is sore? You cannot go to school to-day? I wish I'd known before! Your Father's just gone down to see the doctor's “ Opening D: The latest thing in grafted limbs the invitations say. Just ring up forty-nine—that's right that yor Hello, Jobn, is Charles’ throat is sore—and there's a spot—I don't know what to do! That anti-toxin gave him fits last time it was injected, And both the children ever since have been “ serum- infected.”” What's that, you say? They've dropped it? They don't use it any more? They have got a Pus ta from the-— other serum they have not had before? What? Oh, John! You surely heard it wrong “From diseased organs of a man"’ is going rather str ‘Twas bad cnough to use the stuff from sickened horse and calf, And microbe-permeated dog—but this is worse by half! I think I'll give up “ Progress "* and retrograde awhile, And use the good old gargle and tea of camomile! F.CSS. Tit for Tat ANKER: Excuse me, ighbor, but every morning on your way to the train you walk across my lawn. Ports: I know it isn't right. I'm awfully sorry, but I can't help it. I have only just time to catch the train, there's the lawn and the temptation—and I'll be hanged if I can re- sist it! Banker: I know just how you feel. I'm that way myself. I've got a shotgun, and when I sit in my window and sce you sprinting,.it brings on my hunting fever, I've stood it so far—but to-morrow morning I shan't answer for myself. comicbooks.com