Life — July 1, 1909 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

18 Deportmental Ditties BY HARRY GRAIAM Politeness Politeness is a useful art Which all shouid cultivate with zest; It mollifies the hardest heart, And smoothes the s And even villains scem Who “smile and smile and are” age breast; “all right polite! Then be as courteous as you can, Since fortunes often On those who help some rich old man are bestowed Across a slipp'ry road (He hastens home, unfolds bis will, And adds a grateful codicil.) My cousin John was most polite. He led shortsighted Mrs. Bond, By accident, one winter's night, Into a village pond. Her life perhaps he might have saved, But how genteelly he behaved! Each time she rose and waved to him He smiled and bowed and doffed his hat ; Thought he, although I cannot swim, At least I can do that And when for the third time she sank He stood bareheaded on the bank When in a crowded train or tram, A lady treads upon your feet, Leap up at once and say “ Madam!" Pray occupy my seat!" She will not thank you for your zeal, But what a righteous glow you feel! When female friends you chance to s Your hat should be removed in haste ; Bareheaded you must either be, Or else be deemed barefaced. The breeze that whistles through your hair Is music to cach lady fair If ald or apt to catch a cold, Pray imitate my Uncle Fred Who always wears—or so I'm told— Two hats upon his head. With one his homage he performs. His scalp meanwhile the other warms. With health and comfort thus ensured, He waves his beaver in his hand, Its underling beneath secured By an elastic band. (Good title for a novel, that -— The Uncle With the Secret Hat.) “aIRE-E = MORAL then, to young and old; ly to persons who Possess a quantity of gold Which they might leave to you. ve, it seems to me, The more they h te you ought to be The more po The Morality of the Turnip HETHER the tu timately to lead a higher life must p is destined ul but it seems er of conjectt he a mat probable that the process of regenerat will con From the Brassica Rapa the turnip has come to evolve the Ras ad inasmuch as it is a and St. Anthi ‘on saint of pigs, this culus buibosus, ny is favorite of known to be the pa would argue a development right ethical lines. In the early of more pri known to along the ges, the ¢ been unre: that through ive turnip was 2 generate. It is probable me form of known, it hecame endowed with a soul The soul of the wrnip, by the way, is located at the base of the turnip top, at gata an sacrifice, at Present un the apex of the madulla oblon; Th nanuel or psychotherapy rong the rutabaga is not improbable, as al cult there was at one tim m= mov nent from the date of i:s more genet vation it developed more roundness and firmness of fibre. The question as to whether the turnip will ultimately lead the higher life is of portance, because upon its nost all of our ortho. the utmost i nds al salvation di doxical teachings. At present it is grop ing in the dark, and half the time is in the soup. It is hoped that the baptizing of infant turnips will, however, turn the scale in favor of regeneration. Let us pray that this may be accomplished by an inscruta- bie Providence. In the meantime, tracts, missio fairs and ah turnip, if possible, revival meetings, church 'y movements, house to house canvass, to save the from the dangers of hell fire, are all in order. T. L. M. A Green One “ O you look for news of Howard's hunting trip in the sporting col- umn? ** No, in the obituaries.” an more than half way, I’ you meet a1 you. will have to go more than half way for him ever after. Lire's Arts and Crafts Designs for Interior Furnishings cf a B:che- lor Girl's Club Phonograph Cabinet What Troubled Him wn Say, mother, will it hurt to € this tooth out? Mrs. but it will be so sudden that you won't have time to think—just a quick turn, and it will be all over. Witure: Um—that’s all that could pepper to me if I had my head pulled off. Suustson: Naturally ; comicbooks.com