Life — June 24, 1909 — page 10: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

EEE Deportmental Ditties BY HARRY GRAHAM Table Manners On the question of behavior when At Table, There is much that proves perplexing to the mind: Should we cat, that is, as much as we are able? Should we drink as much as nature feels inclined? Is it right to use a spoon to swallow curry? Is it wrong to use a knife for eating cheese? There is scope for much embarrassment and worry In such knotty points as these. Of the businesses of eating and of drinking.— Which are separate, distinctive, well-defined, — There is no one but must acquiesce in thinking That these functions should by no means be combined Since the man who fills his mouth with beef or pheasant, And proceeds to sluice it down with bitter beer Is a person whom at meals it isn’t pleasant For his fellows to sit near. Save for purposes of casual conversation, You should always keep your mouth shut when you chew, For the processes of oral mastication Are not suitable for popular review, And it shows a lack of manners or of breeding To make noises like an infant with the croup Or adopt a loud and blatant mode of feeding, When ingurgitating soup. ain, we do not need to be instructed, our victuals must not ever be inhaled, And that no one who is properly conducted, Will be guilty of the scandal thus entailed, When a burst of unpremeditated laughter Sends the glass of rare old port that you imbibe Coursing lungwards—and the scene that follows after 'Twere not fitting to describe! THE JUDGMENT OF PARIS-GREEN PLASTERERS 7 WANTED OPEN “COME ON, BOYS. MERE’S A CHANCE TO MAKE MONEY’? t me tell you of my favorite Aunt dnna, Who (though eighty) is alert and full of fun; She inhaled the greater part of a banana When at luncheon once I chanced to make a pun, All in vain the doctors probed and ordered massag The banana is imbedded hke a bung : In my poor relation’s pulmonary res her of a | Ii you seek a second helping from the “ slavey."” Should you leave the knife and fork upon your plate When the handles will be smeared with grease and eravy— Or retain them in your clutches while you wait? O, my Readers, pray be open 10 persuasion, And admit (what I have preached for many years), That the knife and fork on ev'ry such occasion Should be placed behind the ears. If asparagus or artichokes be handed, Do not view them with a terror-stricken eye, Nor permit yourself a coward to be branded By allowing such a dish to pass you by. Ev'ry stick (or leaf) when dipt in melted butter Should be held between the finger-tips with grace, And then flung without a tremor or a flutter Through the port-hole of your face Never scatter bits of food upon your clothing; Never harbor mashed potatocs in your beard; You will find that people gaze at you with loathing, If some spinach to your eyebrow has adhered Last of all (I mean it kindly, Gentle Reader), If you cannot keep your fingers off a bone,— If, in fact, you are a gross or careless feeder.—- You had better feed alone!