Life — June 17, 1909 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

™ Deportmental Ditties BY MARRY GRAHAM Marriage N the church from: crypt to steeple, Ev'ry inch is occupied; “ry corner crammed with people fouse Full’ boards displayed outside). Woman with excitement flushes, Man attempts to hide his gloom While another couple rushes To its doom! Organist, his fingers fying, O’er the keyboard till he drops, (Simultancously applying, Swedish massage to the stops) Tramples wildly on the pedals With the true-born cyclist’s knack, Which would win him many medals On a track. Loud the diapason thunders! Bridegroom fumbles for the ring (For the hundredth time he wonders Where he put the silly thing !) ¢, the bride advances, blushing, With the timidest of smiles, And the ushers cease from ush In the aisles Soon the eminent musician (Like his organ somewhat “ blown Gives a “ masterly rendition Of the march of Mendelssohn While for seats his hearers leaping, are and chatter all they want. nster aunts are gently weeping In the font. Now, the ceremony en Happy couple drives away ; Crowd outside, with lungs dist dd Give three “ Hips"? and one “ Hoo- ray!" d the bride’s self-conscious father Sceks his guests to entertain, With consumptive quails and rather Flat champagne. Older folks grow retrospective, By-gone honeymoons recall (While an ill-disguised detective Guards the presents in the hall) Till they see the couple leaving, Clad in brand-new trav'ling suits, And facetious friends start heaving Rice and boots. MORAL Bridegroom, though your spirits falter, Never have recourse to jest Jokes about the “marriage Halter”? Are much better unexpressed, Since you cannot well avoid it, Bear the function like a man, And pretend that you've enjoyed it, If you can Bride, be punctual to the minute, Don't forget the hour and date. (Though there may be nothing in it, Gossips talk if you are late.) In the unforeseen event, 100, Of your vowing to “ obcy "*! Look as though you really meant to, Anywa The Cause Ww ZN in the course of human events it becomes necessary for women to ntain that they are as brainy and sensible as anybody, they should look particularly after those of their own number who can't get excited hout writing a novel, lest there re- sundry documents in hysterics, in- vidiously calculated to make the ribald smile and the judicious mourn. The frowns of a Humphry Ward can be borne up under, but favor of a Marie Corelli is a petard fraught with overbial possibilities. Suffrage is bound to win, though The day is coming when w en will be as willing to keep still for the cause as they now are to dic for it, so strongly is their zeal destined to grow Ramsey Benson. Wake Up, Doctor ! HE day of blind confidence is draw- ing to a close. People are begin- ning to think for themselves. Invalids want humane doctors, and an intelli- nt public, dissatisfied with drugging and surgical results, are investigating some more successful methods discon- nected with and independent of animal serums and animal torment.—K New York Herald. One Less Noise EW YORK has been appreciably quieter since the head of the So: ciety for the Prevention of Noise sailed for Europe comicbooks.com