Life — June 3, 1909 — page 24: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Deficit A tragedy in many strange acts. Seq IME—Pay-day in Wash- ington. Scene—A back room as far out of sight as pos- sible. Around the stage, on both sides and at the back, are oil tanks. In the middle of the stage is a large-sized Deficit with gory locks and forbidding mien. As the curtain rises the politicians, garbed in caps and bells, creep out from the oil tanks and one by one go to the Deficit kneel and beg for mercy in a mocking way. Opening chorus— Garters and hairpins and spangles, Gew-gaws and pifile and fudge, ‘aken together, Like birds of a feather, Make merriment fit for a judge. Velvets and laces and bangles, Paper pulp, pumpkins and pie, But what does it matter? While we get the latter, We praise hallelujah on high. Bric-a-brac, paintings and wrangles, Furbelows, filigree, pills, And similar chaff All make it to laugh As we juggle the national ills. At the close of the chorus, they all take their distaffs and roundly belabor the Deficit, which, however, refuses to budge. The door of the largest oil tank opens and Aldrich steps forth. He is dressed in a Jacob's coat of many investments. Aldrich—What ho, knaves! Why this merriment? Do ye not know that times have changed? Depew—Why does a chicken cross the . road, sire? Aldrich—Enough! Avaunt! I come not here to joke. You know too well what we are up against. Have ye not heard? Do ye know what day this is? Tillman—Most assuredly. It is pay- day, and T have a payment to make on some lands in the West. Aldrich—Aye, it is pay-day. the ghost walked? Answer me Has the ghost walked? But has that. Chorus—The ghost, the ghost, Tt has not walked. Aldrich— unfold. ( There is a story old and gray, They say, they Ckorus—Oh yes, they s: Aldrich—Of how upon a summer's day, en listen. I would a tale ngs) “LIFE: Chorus—They say, they say. Aldrich—Mother Hubbard she went to the cupboard alone. Her intention it was to elicit a bone, But when she got there, Does the legend declare, She could only ener A yawning deficit So the ghost didn’t walk that day. Chorus—They say, they say, they say, That the ghost didn’t walk that day. Aldrich—Do I make it clear? Chorus—Quite so. (They all take off their caps and bells and throw them at the Deficit, which doesn’t even take the trouble to dodge.) Aldrich—Then let me try my hand, for I am long of stocks and my broker is calling for more margin. I have no faith in a duty on carpet tacks or the income tax. Let me try syntax. (Goes to Deficit and strikes a declamatory attitude.) Now is the summer of our merry graft Made horrible winter by this son of a gun. It is the panic's ghost and will not yield To pre-election promises nor heed the cries Of suckling patriots. loved thee. We have not come to praise thee more, but deficits less. You, Deficit, give us pause. You give us Payne, Oh, tariff, how we And more. Serene Sereno Payne and all that host Of under-worked and over-paid delin- quents. - Out, out, damned Deficit! Hit him, Ben! Lay on, Depew, and damned be he who first cries, Hold! Enough! Tillman steps up promptly and jabs the Deficit vigorously with his pitchfork, but the Deficit seems rather to enjoy it than otherwise. Tillman—It is no use. Aldrich—Then must the tariff be raised. All—But if we should make a mistake. Aldrich—It can be declared unconsti- tutional by the Supreme Court. All—But-what shall we tell the people? Aldrich—The people be— Depew—Stop! Utter no platitudes. Aldrich—You are right. I will amuse the people instead. Allow me to intro- duce the Mumm sisters, Minnie and Maxie, wonderful serpentine dancers. (Claps his hands.) The Mumm sisters enter. They writhe, contort and circle about the Deficit un- til they fall in sheer exhaustion at its feet, but the Deficit does not move. Sadly they crawl back, one by one, into their oil tanks. (Curtain) Ellis O. Jones. THEIR WEDDING TRIP AS IT SEEMS TO THEM comicbooks.com