Life — May 20, 1909 — page 13: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

*LIPE* Deportmental Ditties BY MARRY GRAHAM The Choice of a Profession FTER leaving school or college, with the scanty stock of knowledge Which a popular Academy provides, You can take a hand at poker, swell the chorus at a “ smoker,” Kick a football, and do other things besides: And, in spite of contradiction, you may cherish the conviction— A conviction which I shortly hope to shatter— That the choice of a profession, if effected with discretion, Is a simple sort of matter. For the youthful and the active there is nothing more attract- ive Than the soldier's gay and glittering attire; But before you join the Service, pray be certain nerve is Fully fitted to support you “ under fire.”” And don’t let your comrades find you, with your weapons cast behind you Drawing courage from a surreptitious flagon, Having sought for safety quickest, “ where the bullets were the thickest" In the ammunition wagon! If your love of disputation makes you fancy the vocation Of those gentlemen who practice at the Bar, You will find, at the beginning, that the wages take some win- ning, And that prizes are but few between and far. When a Brief makes no appearance, simple dogged perse- verance Is the quality most likely to ensnare it, While if clients are persistent in remaining cold and distant, You must simply grin and bear it! Should you dream of competition with the surgeon or physician, Who has patients ever flocking to his gates, Who discovers new diseases just as often as he pleases, And removes a friend's appendix “while he waits,”’ Recollect what years of training must be occupied in gaining The adroitness of the competent trepanner, What a lifelong education underlies the reputation For a pleasant “bedside manner"! As a Parson is your heart set on admonishing the Smart Set? Pulpit cloquence alas! is poorly paid: And your most impassioned sermon will descend (like dew of Hermon) On a sleeping congregation, I'm afraid, Since the income of a pastor is not that of Mr. Astor: He must practice the most parsimonious habits. With his “quiver full of arrows," that are numerous as sparrows And as ravenous as rabbits If you finally would seek to emulate your father, And become, like him, a self-made millionaire, There are difficulties here, too, since the plutocrat’s carcer, too, Is an intricate and troublesome affair For you have to wrench their money (like a bee extracting honey) From such persons as it happens to belong to, And the growth of public fecling against any form of stealing Is both prevalent and strong, too . Then a simple life of pleasure, as a“ gentleman of leisure," Is the proper kind for ev'ryone to lead, With a dash of dissipation, just by way of relaxation, And a “ brainstorm ”* to account for each misdeed. And the youth of one-and-twenty who has luxuries in plenty And whose balance at the bank continues healthy, Will confirm my own impression that the pleasantest profes- sion Is professing to be wealthy! “ SHORRY OL’ MAN; MONEYSH ALL CONE; BUT, SHAY, KNOW ANYTHING "BOUT BURGLING I WISI YE"D COME AN ME INTO MY HOUSH 'THOUT WAKIN’ M! WIPE.’ comicbooks.com