Life — February 25, 1909 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Painless Process. Rockefeller Institute, Midnight. Scene: Tine (The outside gates have been closed, and all within is dark and silent. Sud- denly there appears upon the scene a group_of PHYSICIANS and SUR- GEONS, clad in their operating clothes.) Opening Song. P's and S's. We're a timid and truculent band, With feelings well kept in abeyance; We feed every dog from the hand, And offer him free conveyance. And we strap him down tight, For ‘tis (medically) right, And although he’s not sick We cut him up quick— w the reason for this is all perfectly plain: It’s instructive, inductive and done with- out pain. (Here steps forward DR. SLASHER, head of the clinic, who soliloquizes thus) Dr. Slasher. Yes! Without the slightest pain, of course. Some people have such a strange idea of our grand work. As if anybody had any right to an opinion who didn’t have a medical diploma! But, I assure you, ‘tis all done without pain. (Dances and sings.) Painless Solo. By Dr. Slasher. If you have a little doggie who is faith- ful, fond and true, Who gives his paw and lies and looks and wags his tail at you; And you wish to make him useful, do not hesitate a bit, But coax him here—with all of us he’s bound to make a hit. We'll pat him on his shaggy head and tie him firmly down, We'll dig him in his little ribs, and do him up quite brown; We'll tickle him with forceps—but I really must explain— We do it ali quite gently, and without the slightest pain. cuorus. We are painless persons all, We would have the public know, We'll remove your brains or gall, And a pair of lungs or so. But it's painless, it’s painless, Tt doesn’t burt a mite; Look pleasant while it’s going on— It’s proper and it’s right. If you feel a slight compunction or a sickly sentiment, Remember, ‘tis your duty! willing to present Countless canine contributions to the sacred cause of science, Besides, we're your physicians, and your mainstay and reliance. You must truckle as we tell you and must never, never doubt, Or ask the slightest question as to what it’s all about. You must not dare to question, and, besides, let me explain, When we mangle little doggies, ‘tis with- out the slightest pain. Be quite No! cutorus. We are painless persons quite, And we never, never shrin! When it's medically right, Which it is (just see us wink!) For it’s painless, it’s painless, And it helps the human race. We chloroform ‘em every hour— Step up and take your place. (HE takes up several instruments of torture, together with steel knives, etc., and as HE juggles them up and ‘down retires gracefully. HE is immediately succeeded by young DOCTOR CUTTER who carries around his waist a collec n of dog collars arranged as trophies.) Song of Superiority. Dr. Cutter. If you're anxious for to shire in the scientific line, as a man o: knowl- edge rare, You must isolate the germs and in pom- pous sounding terms your preemi- nence declare. THROWN OFF THE CENT A Vision of What Is to Come You must lie about the mazes of the antiseptic phases of your medicated state of mind. The meaning doesn't matter, if it’s an- aesthetic chatter, of a high and mighty kind. And the fearful ones will say, $ you stride your serumed way “If this great man expresses himself in terms too deep for me, Why, what a singularly deep, deep thing can a vivisector be.’” Re eloquent in praise of the antitoxin ways which have not yet passed away. And for every doctor's fad you must smile a smile that's glad, just as if it came to stay. Of course you will sickly sentiment crude and mean, For whoever has a right any surgeon to indite as he wipes his scalpels clean. And the doubtful ones will say, As you walk your lordly way: “If that’s not cruel enough for him that is much too cruel for m Why, what a singularly scientific chap . this scientific chap must be!’ Then a sentimental passion for statistics (now in fashion), must excite your haughty spleen, You must state the cures effected though the canines vivisected may eve! where be seen! Though the “ Philistines"? may jostle you will rank as an apostle of the medicated trust, As you walk the legislature with your Latin nomenclature as a inan of science must! And everyone will say, As you stride your germ proof way: “Tf he’s content to cut up dogs (which would certainly not suit me), Why, what a particularly sharp young man_ this sharp young man must be !"" resent all and cheap declare it’s (At the conclusion of this song the lights suddenly grow dim. The ACTORS start back in dismay as two ghostly Rroups appear. One group is composed of little children and various other ghosts of human beings who have been done to death. The other group is com- posed of a number of dogs of all sizes and shapes, who march and counter- march ‘solemnly to slow music from above.) comicbooks.com