Life, 1908-12-31 · page 8 of 21
Life — December 31, 1908 — page 8: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This satirical play page mocks protectionist tariff policy. "King Joseph" (likely Joseph Cannon, the House Speaker mentioned in stage directions) sits enthroned atop industrial machinery and money bags, surrounded by representatives of steel, copper, and wood trusts seeking tariff protection. The satire targets the argument that raising tariffs "nourishes" struggling industries. Characters like "Teddy" (Theodore Roosevelt) and various industrialists debate whether tariffs genuinely help infant industries or merely enrich monopolistic trusts. The central joke: tariffs become a permanent "king" that never dies—once enacted, they persist indefinitely despite claims they're temporary measures. The play critiques how special interests use economic arguments to justify protectionist policies benefiting themselves over the public.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
obs |L Je }8h.0 As I am subtle, false, and treacherous, Then up will go the wall of tariff rates; Dive, thoughts down to my soul—here Teddy comes. King Joseph Or the Tariff That Never Died Enter Teddy R., on his way to Africa, loaded down with paraphernalia. In ad- dition to three rifles, he carries a type- writer and a megaphone. What means this Brother, good day. hurried stride; Is there no time for parley? Teddy. You liar, horsethief, troon, There's no one honest but myself; ex- cuse me, Joe, ‘- I thought you were Joe Pulitzer. I see You are yourself. What's up? Where's Bill? And what's the row on with these hangers on? faker, deep pol- Cannon. We are but doing what you sought to shirk; We're going to raise the tariff rates, and lift ‘Em up, with specious arguments and wiles. O Teddy, this dear, dear thing did you neglect And let it drift. Our infant industries, Though overgrown, are sadly off for pap They need new nourishment, and I'm OE CANNON disclosed, sitting on a the one to do it. tin throne bound together with cop- per and steel wire, and ornamented with Waltham watches. Several manufac- turers are lolling around, and the repre- sentatives of other infant industries are sitting at the king’s feet. KING JOSEPH SCENE: THE WALLS OF CONGRESS. TIME: MIDNIGHT. Cannon. Now is the winter of our discontent Made glorious summer by the goodly Taft And all the clouds that threatened us with Bryan Deep in the bosom ‘of the customs buried. Now are our brows hung with victorious wreaths, Our campaign funds hung up as monu- ments, Our panic broodings changed to merry meetings. 1 am determined still to prove a villain And tinker up the tariff all I can; Plots have id, inductions dangerous, To raise the prices of the things we need, And if Bill Taft be proved as pliable “wat's THE row?"’ “SHAME AND CONFUSION!” Teddy. No profit is where is no interest ta’en, In brief, sir, study what you most effect. That is the reason why I wasted not My ammunition on a tariff wall, I'd rather make a noise and stir a brawl (Exit.) Enter William Taft. As he progresses to the throne he is surrounded by all the sycophantic crew who have been idling on the floor, including representa- tives of the steel, copper, wool, and other trusts. He takes his place beside Cannon, who pats him gently on the back. Enter now Judge Gary, of the Steel Trust. Gary. Your honors, may I speak a dulcet word? Cannon. To your imperial tongue we give full heed. We know that in the panic’s dreadful sound, With Morgan's help you stood by us full well; And graciously did we permit you then to buy With Teddy's smile the T. C. C. & I. Beane eee