Life — July 9, 1908 — page 7: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

* Republican Platform (Revised to Suit All Comers.) E, THE party in power, do hereby declare the following as being our combined sentiments: In the first place, we would respectfully call attention to our great record, which includes saving the Union, keeping Harri- man out of jail, freeing the slaves, driving the wolf from Andrew Carnegie’s door and caring for our noble and needy veterans of the late war, including their friends and relatives, wives, grandchildren and other distant connections. Also, our upholding of the gold standard, thus enabling Wall Street to keep up its credit, and our disinterested efforts in behalf of the laboring man, who, if he votes our way, will surely get a good job some time or other after the campaign is over, We are in favor of spelling reform, not because it isn’t all right in itself, but also because it would necessitate new type, thus help- ing out one’of our most important industries, namely, the writing of best sellers. We cannot deprecate too strongly the open acceptance of funds for campaign purposes from our leading friends and financiers, who, under a mistaken zeal in a good cause, have in the past handed us their money, and we cannot accept any such contributions this year in any such brazen manner. If anything like that is done, remember that we don’t know it. In the words of Scripture (which we are glad to have'an opportunity of quoting right here), Let not your right hand know what your left hand is doing. Our treas- urer’s home and back-door address sent on application. We hereby promise to take up the tariff question and discuss it occasionally during the next four years when there is nothing else to do. Our navy, now almost equal to none, will be still further en- larged. ‘The gradual disuse of some of our principal ferries will enable us, at a small cost, to make several important additions to the list of our battleships and fast cruisers. In conformity with our usual custom of naming these ships after our national ideals, THE YELLOW PERIL they will be called the Hoboken, Weiner Wurst, Passover, Shamrock, and so on, We believe thoroughly in the liberty of the press, and shall continue to buy up only enough newspapers in the large cities that the great mass of people may not be misled by the scurrilous cartoons and slurs of the enemy. A suitable currency bill will shortly be introduced into Congress, which will make it unnecessary, in times of panic, for Mr, Morgan, Mr. Rockefeller and other of our patriotic citizens to imperil their fortunes to help us out. The authors’ copyright question will be, as usual, agitated dur- ing our term of office. Any settlement of this question would be distinctly detrimental to our policy. nd, in conclusion, if we are once more given the sacred trust (of which, of course, there can be no possible doubt), we shall see that all corporations and combines are kept in their places, the laws are properly and regularly referred to in our editorial columns, and that our next Congress spends only about double what the esti- mates call for. Done with the consent aad good fellowship of Thomas Ryan, Andy Carnegie and J. P. Morgan, at Chicago, etc., etc. The G. O. P. pee altar can give cards and spades to the gallows, Numerical USTOMER: I want a pair of Masso corsets for my wife. ALESLADY: What number? “ She's number three.” A Candidate's Creed As certified from the White House, June 16, 1908 R. TAFT’S a Unitarian, as his parents were before him, But his wife's Episcopalian, 20's the daughter that she bore him. In the summer you will find him looking like a stout Hyperion In the church where God is worshipped in the fashion Presbyterian. And so Catholic is his nature, I would have you all informed, Oft he worships with his master in the manner Dutch Reformed. comicbooks.com