Life — June 25, 1908 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A MAN OF LETTERS Whe Mr. Cyrus Waterhouse grew wealthy from his slaughter- house, He gave to Shellback College twenty thousand right away. So the Faculty rewarded him with honor, and accorded him ‘The pedagogic title, “Cyrus Waterhouse, M.A.” When he merged his corporation with the Pressed Beef Com- bination, He consigned a million extra to the College; so you see Grand old Shelltack’s Dons of Learning, tainted money never spurning, Stretched his name to “Cyrus Waterhouse, M.A and Ph.D." Next, when Cyrus showed his nature and bought out a Legis: hiure For the Sausage Trust, the College got five millions, title free. And the Faculty’s requital was another whacking title, This time, “ Watterhouse, B.S., M-D., Pb.D., LL.D.” Well, ere Cyrus took to liquor, every time he made a dicker He endowed the College more and added on some letters new, Till his check-book looked pathetic when he signed that alpha- betic “MA, BS.O.K, PhD. LL.D. P.D.Q.” But at last of honors tiring, when poor Cyrus lay expiring, On his will he wrote the following, and settled down to die “Gents, please don't misunderstand me—take my coin, but don’t you hand me Any more o' that fool Alphabet! Yours very simply, cy” —Everybody's “A .MAN has to draw it fine these days.”* “What do you mean? “Staying ten minutes after office hours each day will probably make a good impression, but staying fifteen is liable to excite suspicion that you are monkeying with your books.""—Kansas City Journal Luyr.is published every Thursday, simultaneously in the United States, Great Britain, Canada and i advance. Additional postage to foreign countries in the Postal Union, $1.04 a year; to Canada, 52 cents. Single current copies, 10 cents. Back numbers, after three British Possessions. $5.00 a year months from date of publication, 25 cents. No contribution will be returned unless accompanied by stamped and addressed envelo International Ne Lire is for sale by all Newsdealers in Great Britain. The A WOMAN on the train entering Grand Rapids asked the con- ductor how long the cars stopped at Union station. He replied: “Madam, we stop just four minutes, from two to two to two two.” ‘The woman tumed to her companion and said: “I wonder if he thinks he’s the whistle on the engine.” —Ovutdoor Life. HEREDITY “What is heredity? “Blaming it on the monkey."—Sun. “THIS DIAROLO CAME BEATS ANYTIUNG WE EVER TRIED TO PLEASE THE BABIES: A CLEVER GIRL Dyre: Don't you think she has a mobile face? Ryne: Naturally. She's an auto enthusiast.—The Wasp. “Lwast to make a giftto Miss Pasay,” said Dumley, “I wonder what sort of animal she'd prefer for a pet?"* “A man.” promplly suggested Miss Knox.—Philadelphia Press mission obfained in advance mpany, Breams HARD TO LOSE It later dawns upon the mind Of him who holds such views: ‘That mates for souls, though hard to find, Are harder still to lose. —Chicago News, AN UNFORTUNATE MISUNDERSTANDING “Thad to leave my last situation because the missus said they were going to lead the sinful life, and they wouldn't want any servants about the place."—Bellman. “Mx, Wurrrcesy,” said the city editor to the new reporter, “there's to be a mecting of the trustees at the public library building this evening at 8 o'clock. You may go and cover it Make a story of about four hundred words out of it ‘The new reporter went away on his assignment, and the chief of the local department turned again to his desk, made an entry in the assignment book that lay before him and dismissed the matter from his mind. About eleven o'clock, however, he sud. denly called out: Where's Whittlesy “Here, sir,” answered that young man, coming forward “sent you toa board meeting at the public library. Where's your story? fe finished yet. You told me to make four hun of it, and I've got only a little over three bundred “What did they do?"" “They met, called the roll and adjourned until next Tuesday evening.” —Inde pendent, Woaan-Surreace Apvocate. (to Speaker Cannon): 1 main- tain tha: woman has always been the prime factor in this world Uncur Jor (blandly): Ob, Idoa’t know. In the very begin- ning woman was only a side issue —Exchange, ‘Tue scientists are finding out many things about ancient nations, some of which may be true and some not. Infercace is often advanced as fact. Guesses grow into possibilities, and possibilities into probabilities and probabilities into certainty Dr. M.G. Kyle tells a story which illustrates one method of argument. An Assyriologist boasted to an Egyptologist that “the Assyrians understood electric telegraphy because we have found wire in Assyria." “Oh,” said the other, “we have not found a scrap of wire in Egypt, therefore we know the Egyptians understood wireless telegraphy."—Home Herald. Building, Chancery Lane, London, E. C., England, Acests. Brentano's. 37 Ave. de Opera. Paris; also at Saarbach's News Exchanges, 1, New Coventry Street, Leicester Square, W., London; 9, Rue St. Georges, Paris: 1, Via Firenze, Milan; Mayence, Germany. 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