Life — May 14, 1908 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ERIE? The Simple Jography Chapter 1X THE HABITABLE GLOBE ‘The term “Habitable Globe” was doubt- less invented by some Celestial Humorist who had never visited this Planet. People live on it, to be sure, but they have no choice—there is nowhere else to liv Let us consider the World as an Apart- ment House. We are told it was finished in six days. No wonder it is faultily constructed. The Heating Ap- paratus is out of date; the apartments nearest to it are insufferably hot, those farthestaway unbearably cold, and those between too changeable for com- fort. The Water Supply is unreliable. In some apartments great numbers perish every year from thirst. In the cellar there is a fireworks factory, where, in defiance of regulation, are stored high explosives. ‘These blow up from time to time, causing great damage and loss of life. The Janitor is a disobliging old person called Tempus, who regulates everything by his Hour-Glass He has been there since the House was started and holds his job in spite of inces- sant complaints. When asked to hurry he fairly crawls and when people want him most to stay nothing can stop him. ‘The first Tenants are said to have been a Young Married Couple, who had been obliged to leave a more luxurious apartment, because children were not allowed, though animals of all kinds—even snakes—were tolerated. On the whole, the Globe is anything but a model Apartment House. Each Family considers itself the only Moral Family in the building and talks scandal of the others, and they are constantly fighting for the pos- session of the most desirable rooms. QUESTIONS FOR THE CHILD ‘| Who were the First Tenants? 4 Which is the most fashionable floor of the Earth Apartment House? By Oliver Herford Chapter X RACE To continue the Apartment House Theory. The Globe is divided, according to the Heat Supply, into five stories, or Zones, the Torrid Zone, the, Two Temperate Zones and the Two Arctic Zones. The Equator, which is the hottest of all the apartments, may be called the Clothes Line, because here the people draw the line at Clothes, . The Tenants of the different stories, originally of one color, have been baked to various shades, according to their proximity to the Solar Stove. This color distinction is called Race. There are five Races, the White, the Yellow, the Red, the Brown and the Black. QUESTIONS FOR THE CHILD € Which is the fastest Race? € Which is the slowest? ‘© What relation does the Temperate Zone bear to the Milky Way? Chapter XT CIVILIZATION All the Race Family agreethat the people of the Globe ought to be of one Color. THE HUMAN RACE Each Race, however, believes that his own particular tint is the only fit tint for a Civilized Human Being. The Tint Question can only be settled in one way. By the Survival of the Fittest. The Fittest Tint will be the one that wipes all the other Tints off the Terrestrial Slate. Chapter XII POWERS There is only onc way to wipe all the other Tints off the Globe. To this end each Family spends most of its money in training vast numbers of slaves in the art of destroying Human Life. ‘These slaves are called Soldiers, Each Family is rated according to the power of its Soldiers to destroy other Families. Hence, the Civilized Powers. QUESTIONS FOR THE CHILD § State the comparative value of human life at Retail and Wholesale. Chapter XIII THE DISCOVERY OF THE EARTH In spite of many laudable attempts the Earth was never properly discovered until the year 1620 A.p., or (284 Years Before Roosevelt) when the Mayflower landed in Massachusetts with a cargo of old furni- ture, spinning-wheels and ancestors. Thus were established the three leading industries of Massachusetts: ‘The Manufacture of Antique Furniture, Roulette Wheels and Pedigrees. In the First Geography Moses tells of a much carlier discovery by a young couple who blundered upon the Earth through an unfortunate mistake in the Fall of the year 5908 Before Roosevelt. About seventeen centuries after this, the World was Lost sight of in a Deluge. It was Discovered by a navigator named Noah, who, though barely six hundred years old, was commander of a seagoing me- nagerie. Noah, after cruising about for twelve months and ten days, landed from his z00- logical water wagon upon a precipitous Asi- atic Jag named Ararat on the twenty- seventh of February of the year 4254 Be- fore Roosevelt. ‘The Next Discoverer of importance was Bjorne Herjulfsen, who first noticed the Continent of North America while crossing from Iceland to Greenland, about 919 B.R. As the above map (made about 400 Years