Life — April 30, 1908 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

om AEs: == AUT SCISSORS + AuT NULLUS DECLINED IN REBUTTAL Avrnoness (of the budding variety): I got level with the editor last night. He always rejects my manuscripts. But I have had my revenge. Faexp: How did you “I declined his son, with thanks."- -Tit-Bits. “JE SUIS AMERICAIN™ He got to Paris late at night, So tired he coukin’t stand, Sue: Is my hat on straight? He'd three valises by his side, Hx (looting): Ves A guide-book in his hand. “Then it isn't ri He singled out a hackman from Boston Transcript. ‘The crowd, Said he, "My maa, Just drive me to the best hotel, Je suis Ambricain. Why didn’t you tell me about it?"— “Tnave certainly received the citation, but I shall not appear —could not, in fact," the Lady Josephine explained. “Not only am I not socially acquainted with Mr. Justice Bargrave Deane, but the whole tone of his communication is so impossible that T absolutely refuse 10 know him."—Sporting Times, ‘The Jehu drove him to the Grand By course circuitous, And charged a price which was—well, by No means The stranger paid; then registered, And to the clerk began “T want the best room Je suis Américain, tuitous. the house— ‘They showed him up to twenty-blank, Upon the parlor floor; ‘Two candles on the mantelpiece A gilt plate on the flor; But, ere he slept, he mused, and thus His lucubrations ran: “To-morrow V'll make Paris howl— Je suis Américain.” Next day he to the summit of ‘The Arc de Triomphe hied. “Vell, vat you zink of zis?” inquired A Frenchman at his side. “This? This is nothing,” answered he. “Deny it if you can; You ought to see our Brooklyn Bridge— Je suis Amtricain.” Into a gilded restaurant He chanced to drop one day; ‘The waiters’ jargon fairly drove His ap “Confound your dishes, cooked On the Parisian plan T want a plate of pork Je suis Américain.” A MARUWOOD FINISH MODERN EXPLANATION Frrsumas: Did your father cut your allowance on account of that lark ? Sornoworr: No, indeed; probably on account of some busi- ness misconduct of his in the past. Evening Sun. Where'er he went, whate'er he did, *Pwas always just the same; He couldn't, it appeared, forget ‘The country wh And when, once more at home, his eyes Familiar scenes did sean, He doffed his hat, and cried, “Thank God, Je suis Ambricain.” Argonaut. Wee he came; NOT ADDING FUEL “When you delivered your speech," said the stenographer, “why did you omit that reference to straining at a gnat and swallowing a camel?"* “Hush! rejoined the prudent orator; “there has already been quite enough of this nature-faking discussion."—Washing ton Star. Exrtover: Did you tell Mr, Boreham who called that Thad gone to America? New Orrice Bov: Yes, sir; I told him you had started this morning, Sool. What did he say?!” “He wished to know when you'd return, sir,ant T told him I did not think you would Le back until after Juncheon.”— Tit- Bits 11 raxss steady fishing to catch net profits. An irate appendix is one of the best things out. Cross-questions frequently elicit crooked answers. rd-luck story was never yet one of the Six Best Sellers The Lord loveth a cheerful giver—unless he heags about it SHY People who talk about “our upper class'* don't belong to it Wartir: Nett toa woman, what is the most nervous thing IL is easy to become a gentleman—after you have Lecome a you know? man. Write (ungrammatically): Me—next to a woman.— Somer. When a man’s wife laugl ville Journal. at his jokes they are pretty good— of else she wday Evening Post. “TO PARIS” (By wireless from Longlellow, revising “ Excelsior” in honey 9) the New York-to-Paris automobile race ) ‘The shades of night were falling fast As up the Hudson River passed motor cars, ‘mid snow and ice, Upon their hoods the weird device, “To Paris.” At Tarrytown they tarried not: ‘The stunt it seemed too easy. What? But ere they passed by Saugerties Five ool faced the daily freeze To Paris. “B'ware ole Montezuma Swamp, B'gum, ye'll find it ain't no romp."* The farmers warned. Thro’ Dismal Hollow ‘The submerged cars still onward wallow To Paris “Oh, stay!"' the Hoosier maidens pressed, “And thaw thyself upon this breast.”” A tear froze in each driver's eye, But still he shrieked the frenzied cry, To Paris!”* At Goshen, Ind., "Zeke Wetherred, Wading home from his cattle-shed, “Somewhere’s about twelve las’ night,” Found of a car this much in sight, ‘o Paris.” Mishawka’s oxen “hawed"* and Out of the drifts machines of speed. ‘The drivers, shoveling mile by mile, Paused but to yell—and swear the while— “To Paris.” A trolley towed into South Bend, A switching engine aid did lend, A stoneboat snaked o'er many a drift, And Hoosier patriots gave a lift Toward Paris. Some miners out from Tonopah Yelled, *Whar’s their keepers?” when they ss¥ Five footsore drivers with steering wheels, All that was left of five automobiles For Paris. L'Envoi ‘They put them in the hopeless ward, Where each plied airy shovels hard. And nights within a padded cell Appalled attendants hear them yell, Paris." —T. J. Sullivan, in the Bufalo Evening New “Tonsave,” said Herlock Soles, of New York, “ths have recently taken up your residence in Brooklyn.” told you that?" asked the other, visibly startled. “Nob bat I notice that you blush whenever any one asks you viet you're living."—Philadelphia Press. A PLEASANT OCCUPATION Stow Warter: Have I ever been in the country, sir? Ss Why do you ask? xxD Cestoer: I was just thinking how thrilling ss! find it to sit on the fence and watch the tortoises whiz by- Harper's Weekly. POSSIBLE, EXPLANATION “T wonder why the seasons are always pictured as somes” queried Mrs Nagas, who was doing an art exhibit ia come with her husband. suppose,” replied Nagas, "i's because men are never fed with them, no matter what kind they get.”—The West Die Welt, of Cologne, prints the following advertise=e with credit to the Prager Tegedlatt: “The Christmas celebration in the Jewish Orphan AS in this city will take place this year on Sunday, December # Die Welt makes this comment: “prrtrtrare is published every Thuretay, simultaneously in the United States, Great Britain, Cana British Possessions. $5.00 a year in advance. litional postage to foreign countries in the Postal also at Saarbach’s News Exchanges, 1, New Coventry Building. Chancery Lane, London, EC. Englam, Acesrs, Mrentano's, 31. Ave de POpers Pes rect, Leicester Square, W., Lonon: Union, $1.04 a year: nada, 52 cents. Single current copies, 10 cents. Back numbers, after three St. Georges, Paris: 1, Via Firenze, Milan, Mavence, Germany. ‘months from date of ‘cation, 25 cents No contribution will be returned wnless accompanied by stamped and addressed envelope. mission obtained in adva Lire is for sale by all Newsdealers in Great Britain. The International News Company, Breams ion shold 60 The text and illustrations in Lire are copyrighted, and are nat to be ‘reproduced without special Prompt notifcation should be sent by subscribers of any change of address.