Life — January 30, 1908 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

be RES = AUT SCISSORS TO THE ORACLE Oracles of Delphi, ‘Tell me, ere I'm daft, Will it be long Fairbanks? Corputent Bill Taft? Root ?—or simply Teddy? Who will win the sprint? Oracle of Delphi, Won't you drop a hint? Wise Cum:cn Sibyl, ‘Tell me this, my dear: Bavwling Billy Bryan. Will he reappear? Cortelyou, the Oyster, Will he hokd the keys To the White House portals? Won't you tell me, please? Will it be Philander Whom the voters choose? Or will it be Charley, Fighting Charley Hughes? Or—the dickens tak Dope it out—I can't. Tell me, tell me, tell me! ANY clairvoyant. —Philadelphia Ledger. NO TROUBLE AT ALL One day last summer a German entered the establishment of & photographer in a Southern town, and after several glances about the place, observed mournfully that the photographer did not seem to have the properties essential to the taking of a picture he desired “I should like a bicture of meself veepin’ peside my vife's grafe.” he said. “Maype you fix a grave here in de shop for me?" “Tam afraid I haven't the necessary accessories."” said the photographer. ‘Then, with an attempt at facetiousness, he sug- gested : “Couldn't we arrange to have the portrait made at the grave itself?” “Dot's in Bennsylvania,” sighed the German. “It vould be too exbensive to go there. ust you fix up some kind of a grafe here in de shop. 1 could veep on dot. It's no trouble for me to veep anyvere.""—Harper's Weekly. * Finst class in statesmanship, stand up. What is the purpose of an army?” © Please, sir, to garrison our colonial “OF what advantage are colonial dependencies?" “They are a good training school for the army, sir."” “And what is the purpose of a navy?” “To protect our mercantile marine, sir.” “But what is the need of a mercantile marine?” Please, sir, to supply the navy with experienced seamen, sit.” “Isn't this what is called reasoning in a circle?” “No, sir—in a spiral. ‘The longer you goron the more you are up in the aie.” “ Dismiss!"—Sporting Times sndencies, sir.” ppy, how many strokes is that for this hole?" asked the golfer with the plaid cap. Pick Me Up. Aut NULLuUs WITH A SATIRICAL STREAK French tact is proverbial. A rather tiresome marquis came up yawning to the Prince de Ligne, of the court of Louis XVI “That was exactly what I was going to say to you,” observed the prince, suavely —Youth's Companion. PROGRESS OF SCIENCE Fate Partext: I suffer greatly from insomnia, doctor. Doctor: You should eat something just before retiring, “But you once told me never to cat anything before going to bed.” “Oh, that was a year ago. Science has made rapid strides since then.” —Chicago News “Tpox't like Jigsby. He is always running people down.” “Gossip or motorist ?"—Baltimore American. DON'T GIVE UP THE SHIP Lawrence had just cried, “Don't give up the ship.” ™ But,” queried an officer of the line, “suppose the President calls you names if you don't?"* Happily the great captain died before he had to solve the question —New York Sun. THE STRAITS OF MAGELLAN WHAT AILED THE GUN. A successful oculist of Raltimore recently put in a day or two with his new shotgun in the reed. bird marshes near Washington. He soon noticed that when using the left-hand barrel he generally brought down the game, but that when using the other barrel he invariably missed. He finally tacked a small target toa bush near the river's bank, and fired at it several times with cach barrel, in order to bring the matter toa test. ‘The result confirmed his suspicions. One barrel was all right, or nearly $0, and the other was all wrong. “Well,” said the oculist to a friend who was with him, “as nearlyasT can make out, this gun hasa severe case of strabismus, with strong symptoms of astigmatism." —Lippincott's Magazine. ‘Tne most encouraging thing that has come to the ears of news: paper reporters is the statement from General Booth that when he gets to heaven he expects to be tackled by a lot of reporters. Nashville Tennessecan. “So you think the new gold coin is entirely appropriate?” “Yes,” answered Mr. Dustin Stax. “Considering the scare some of us capitalists had, the idea of depicting the eagle with fringe on the bottom of his trousers is positively poetic.""—Wash- ington Star. DISORDER IN THE HOUSE. A scene that was more than farcical occurred in the Howe d Commons last session. Two of the most respectable memtey of the house were seen with their coats off, and with s staid aj poticeman standing between them The two had been down stairs to wash their hands. a some mischance had changed coats. They went into the b together. One of them, putting his hand into his cot prot pulled o&t an old briar pipe of very strong flavor. Tt was nut He looked at the coat, also that of his neighbor, and, ture his friend, said Excuse me, bat I think you have put on my coat bbe your pardon; I have done nothing of the kin think.” replied the other parliamentarian, “this is sar pipe: and if you put your hand into the right hand pocket te coat you are wearing you will find a cigar ease.”” “Dear me!*” was the reply, “you certainly are right. Wee shall we do?" “We cannot change in the house," observed the first mente. * Let us go into the division lobby. Here is where the policeman came in. Seeing the two facig fone another, and, at the same time, taking off their coats te policeman feared the worst. He rushed up, and placing a boa! fon the shoulder of each, said: “Gentlemen! Gentlemea! Se here, please!"—M. A. P. OVER OATH AND UNDER J. Thomas Heflin, a distinguished member of the Alabina delegation in Congress, maintains that his State is the mat chivalrous in the country. he recently remariel “is this more to be observed than in those least chivalrow d places, the courts of law. Not long ago one of our best Lora judges, famed for his severity and his uncompromising loss to the traditions of procedure, had to try a case in which ove d the witnesses happened to be an actress of no small popu in the South. It chanced that the nature of her evidence ea such that the usual question about her age was not likely omitted, so when she came to the stand his honor tol the ct clerk to suspend action for a moment; thea, turning to ae actress, he demanded “* Madam, how old are you?” wenty-six,’ replied the witness, who is thirty-six # de isa day. “Very well,’ said the Judge, politely. "I asked you tt question because, if I hadn't, it would surely have been asks! you when the attorney for the defense cross-examined ye And, now that you have told us your age, do you swear the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?” Saturday Evening Post. “Crosstxe the Atlantic with Mark Twain last summer.” sil a W. C. T. U. woman, “I asked his opinion of the probibice: law. His reply was very characteristic, very humorous. “*Lam a friend of temperance, and want it to succeed, te said, ‘but I don’t think prohibition is practical. The Germuss you see, prevent it, Look at them. 1 am sorry to kara th they have just invented a method of making brandy out o s* dust. Now what chance will prohibition have when a ma9 take a ripsaw and go out and get drunk with a fence rail? Wt is the good of prohibition if a man is able to make beast smashes out of the shingles on his roof. or if be debian tremens by drinking the legs off the Harstd. WHAT SHE THOUGHT We were talking about honors, and I heard the story abost Lawrence Alma-Tadema, R. A., when he was knighted. “Ob,” said a lady friend, “dear Sir Lawrence, 1 am 90 gt I suppose now that you have been knighted you'll give up must ing and live like a gentleman ?"—The Tatler. A Battisore man had until recently a darky in his employ about as shiftless and worthless a darky, says he, as ever heat across. One day the employer, his patience exhaustet, called! into his office and told him to look for another job. “Will or mea letter of recommendation?” asked Sam, piteously. Aloo? he felt that he could not conscientiously comply with this reqee® the Baltimore man’s heart was touched by the appeal. Sobes* down to his desk to write a non-committal letter of character the negro. His effort resulted as follows: “This maa = Harkins, has worked for me one week and I ari satisbed™= Argonaut, Lire is published every Thursday, simultaneously in the United States, Great Britain. Canada and Building, Chancery Lane, London, E. C., England. AceNts. $5.00 a year in advance. Additional postage to foreign countries in the Postal also at Saarbach's News Exchanges. 1. New Coventry Street, Leicester Square, W., Loc-lon: Union, $1.04 a year; to Canada. 52 cents. Single current copies, 10 cents. Back numbers, after St. Georges, Paris: The text and illustrations in Li permission oained in advance. Prompt notification should be sent by subscribers of any change of address. British Possessions. three months from date of publication, 25 cents. No contribution will be raurned unless accom panied by stamped and addressed envelope. Lire is for sale by all Newsdealers in Great Britain. The International News Company, Breams 176 entano's, 37 Ave. de I'Opera, Paes Via Firenze, Milan; Mayence. Germany. are copyrighted, and are not to be reproduced withort 1% The L Repro tures, | picture Ker, B comicbooks.com