Life — September 19, 1907 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

bi iels UT SCISSORS A WITNESS The lawyer for the defendant was trying to cross-examine a Swede who had been subpecnaed by the other side as a witness in an accident case * Now, Anderson, what do you do?" asked the lawyer Sank you, Aw am not yara well.” 1 didn’t ask you how is your health, but what do you do?” “Oh, yas; Aw work.” “We know that, but what kind of work do you do?” ~ Paddy hard work: it ces paddy hard work.” “Yes, but do you drive a team or do you work on a railroad. Jo you handle a machine, or do you work in a factory?” Ob, yas; Aw work in fact'ry.” "Very good. What kind of a factory?” It ccs a very big factory.” “Your honor," said the lawyer, addressing the Court, "if this keeps on, I think we'll have to have an interpreter.” ‘Then he turoed to the witness * Look here, Anderson, what do you do in that factory—what do you make?” he askex "Oh, yas; Aw un'erstan’; you want to know vat Aw make 'n fact’ry, eh?” Exactly. Now tell us what you make."” “Von dollar an’ a half a day.” And the interpreter was called in toearn his salt. — Philadel phia Ledger POSTMASTER’S MARITAL RELATIONS Merritt ©. Chance, chief clerk of the Post Office Department, several months ago sent to all the postmasters in the country a list of questions asking for certain information to be used in the preparation of the Government Blue Book, which is published every two years, One of the questions in the list was. “What are your marital relations? The object of this particular question was to find out whether the postmasters ate married. single, widowed or divorced. But some of the rural postmasters did not understand. Mr. Chance to-day received several answers in which the persons addressed endeavored to give a clear and lucid explanation of the status of their married life. One postmaster said his domestic affairs were “fine and dandy.” Another, not so fortunate, A third filled in the blank space with one word New York Sun plied,“ Fairly Aut NULLUS PREPARATION “Ah, let me see." said the distinguished arrival, as the tog bearing the representatives of the press was discerned coming down the bay to mect his vessel. “Have I got my interview down pat?” “It is easy, your Highness,” said the private secretary. “You must remember to say three things.”” Ab, yes. One is, “I am delighted to realize my ambition to see your wonderful country.” “And don’t forget tu say, * My nation is in perfect accord with yours. I deprecate any hint of war."” “Yes, yes. And the third is, "I consider American women charming.’ Bring on your scribes." Chicago Journal Hunty: WELL, TOMMY, WHAT DID YOU LEARN AT SCHOOL ro-pay?, Tommy: ABOUT ANTS. THERE ARE TWO KINDS—THE KIND, THAT GETS IN THE SUGAR-BOWL, AND THE KIND THAT LIVES WITH THEIM MARRIED SISTERS, Ma. 1. W. HeLuaas, president of the Wells-Fargo Nevada National Bank, tells the following story: “This spring I enter tained a prominent banker from Tucson, Ariz. I invited him to the Merchants’ Association dinner given at the Fairmont Hotel on the 18th of April. My friend listened to the many speeches very attentively and said afterward: *Mr. Hellman, I noticed that almost every speaker said, “This city, like Phoenix, will rise from her ashes.” Now, there is some mistake about that, 1 all my life, and I know for a fact that Phenix never had a conflagration.’ —Argonaut. ve lived in Arizo THE RETORT COURTEOUS Paul Morton, the president of the Equitable Life Assuraza] Society, was talking on La Savoie about the Londoa cabby ‘A hansom or a four-wheeler is supposed to be cheap in Loe Mr. Morton said; “but let the average American tourie go driving about in one of them day after day, and at the week) end the size of his expenditure will shock him. “Of course, it is impossible to ride in a London cab and pe: only the legal fare of a shilling for two miles. Try cab-riticg without liberal tipping. and the cabmen will assail you with th most brilliant and witty sarcasm. T know a lawyer who, through ignorance, rode from the [rit ish Museum to the Ritz Hotel in Piccadilly, and only gaye bill driver the shilling required by law. “The driver looked at this shilling and bit his lip. Then, if the mast courteous manner, he motioned to the lawyer to get in again, “Go on," he said yea yard or two further for this ‘ere."" ADJECTIVES AS EXCLUSIVE PROPERTY When Louis Brownlow, now a Washington correspondent. was a reporter on the Louisville Courier Journal, he was sitting at the telephone table in the local room one night, waiting for a call. The office dictionary is kept on that table turning the leavesidly when Marse Henry Watterson camealoog. Marse Henry does not see very well. He made out a fi the table and said Who's that?” Brownlow, Mr. Watterson." What are you doing, Brownlow?” "I'm reading the dictionary.” “AVell. skip the adjectives, skip the adjectives, for I'm theanly one on this paper who can use them."—Saturday Evening Pe. ‘Do step in again, sir. T could ha’ drew Washington Star Brownlow was NEEDED STRENGTH “T have seen many fantastic and humorous advertisements ia newspapers during my somewhat lengthy career,” once said Colo nel Henry Watterson, in an address to a convention of journal: ists, “but quite the most interesting and oddest of these was 29 ad. that T chanced upon in London. It was printed in the staid old Times, and, as I remember it, ran something like this: “*A young gentleman who is on the puint of getting married most desirous of mecting a man of experience who will take the responsibility of dissuading him from this dangerous step. —Harper's Weekly. THE POINT OF VIEW A good story is told of a disconcerting interruption which Mr. Gladstone once experienced when addressing a woman suffrage meeting in Leeds. In the course of his speech he pnid a grace fal compliment to the eloquence of the ladies who had previously spoken, and further gallantly remarked on the great pleasure which it gives the other sex to listen to women talking. for a moment after this observation Mr. Gladstone, like his s ence, was thrown into an unexpected state of merriment male voice, which proceeded from the back of the hall and jt0- claimed in the broadest Yorkshire dialect :" Eh, lad, thou'st noas wed yet, I see'st.""—Westminster Gazette. Lurk. is published every Thursday, simultancously in the United States, Great Britain, Canada and Iritish Possessions. $5.00 a year in advance. Additional postage to foreign countries in the Postal Union, $1.04 a year; to Canada, 52 cents. 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