Life — July 25, 1907 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

a) THE COMPLETE LETTER WRITER The following formula for White House correspondence was picked up in Washington the other day. By running the eye over it one may see readily how it could be filled in to suit any exigency, from calling men on trial “undesirable citizens," 1ers! congresses, assailing muck-rakers, of ling a Governor of a Senator a liar, to denouncing as an imbe- some prowling nature-faker. ‘The formula runs: "I have T congratulate (or, I might use a shorter and an uglier word) + prevent any deterioration of We cannot too vigorously insist... national bitum) . . . obsolete State lines, Federal activity... child labor . . . the home (to unalterably opposed . .. the muck-raker and the = We hold this truth to be self-evident, that all mollycoddles are undesirable citizens (to be varied as found desirable)... no hand, if stained by honest toil (with emphasis fon the honest) is too dirty for me to shake it... Millions for cent to be returned to the righttul owners at the whimpering demands of mollycoddles, muck My country, right of wrong, mine.”* With this formula before him, William Loeb or his successor— we trust a perfect survival of “the type"—could have no difl- culty in writing a letter to any one—except a missive with- drawing of modifying a hasty and unjust accusation. No for- mula for this sort of correspondence has yet been found. — Columbia (S. C.) State giving counsel to n + + Our greatest national American stock, vigor . . . strenuous (use this ad so-called be stressed) vaiversal faker. . campaign fund rakers, and nature fakers A wizexeo little Irishman applied for a job loading a ship. At first they said he wa jed them He seemed to be making good, and they is Joxd until on the last trip he ind anvil under each arm. When he angplank it broke and the Irishman With a great splashing and spluttering he came to the s too small, but he finally persua to give him a trial gradually increased was carrying a 300-p0 was half-way across th fell in surface. T'row me a 10) time he rose to the surface. ‘row me a rope, I say!” he shouted again. sank. A third time he rose strugaling. “Say!” he spluttered angrily, “if one uy you shpalpeens don’t burry up an’ tr damn Vings!"— e size he shouted, and again sank. A second Once more he me a rope I'm goin’ to drop one uy these rybody's o|L je Jes T SCISSORS UT NULLUS THE MODERN CHILD Five-year-old Nellie had been naughty all day. Finally her mamma, a very portly woman, sat down and drew the little culprit across her ample lap to administer the long-delayed punishment. Nellie’s face was fairly buried in the folds of ber mother's dress. Before the maternal hand could descend Nellie tumed ber face to say: Well, if I'm going to be spanked / must have air." —Herper's Monthly. AN TRISH BULL “Tatar,” said Senator Beveridge of a witticism, "was quaintly put. It is like the remark of the old veteran. ‘This aged man, going from his room one night to let out the cat, stumbled oa the Linding and pitched headlong down into the hall. *Why, is that you? Did you fall down stairs?" “Yes,’ grunted the old fellow, rising slowly. *Yes, I did, and for about a minute and a half I thought I'd lost my pension.""— Argonaut, Silas,’ called his wil DISARMING THE NATIONS ‘The nations met to talk of peace and of its many charms, Each told the rest he thought it best that all lay down their arms, ‘That spears be beaten into ploughs, war steeds turned out to grass, “That guns be changed to pipes arranged for water or for gas. “A worthy deed,” they all agreed, “for peace we are athirst.” But each one said he'd wait until the others disarmed first. * It is not war I'm looking for,” said hearty old Joba Bull, “But any one that pulls a gun will find me in his wool. Yet, Pll disarm—war holds no charm for me—I'll only keep My forts to hold my lands outrolled, my ships to rule the deep.” “To peace I'm led,” the Kaiser said. creasg Except that each boy I shall teach the way to hang to peace. And I shall roam, upon the foam, insisting oa the right, Each battleship a shoulder chip—I hope I need not fight, “My army shan’t in ‘The peaceful Jap, a timid chap, remarked that be agreed, ‘That he would not keep in one spot more army than he'd nee. And Uncle Sam looked like a lamb when he observed that he Would build no boat that would not float upon the angry sea ‘The nations met to talk of peace and of its many charms, ‘They frowned on strife, and drum and fife, and all of war's alarms; ‘Then each backed out, with looks of doubt, with frettings in bis mind, For as cach went his arm was bent to clutch a gun behind. © "Tis’peace we need,” each one agreed, "for that we are athirst, Aod I'll ay down my guns and swords, if you will do it first.” Chicago Post A croup of New York brokers were talking about John W Gates's rooms in the New Plaza Hotel, rooms for which he pays ‘$46,000 a year. “Well,” said an elderly bachelor, “if Mr. Gates's business had all been conducted with women, as so much of mine is, be woulin’t be living in such rooms as those. “Mr. Gates was discussing women’s ideas about business the other night. He said a woman whom he knew once mailed her broker this note: “* Please buy for my account 1,000 shares of P. D. & Q. at 75. SeHat 100, and be sure to send me the profits by noon to-morrow, as Tam going out of town.'"—Rochester Herald. “Tue combined efforts of the police,” says an esteemed con temporary. “have freed the entire city {rom the stains of vice but in the hope that Chicago Journal. We print this, not because we believe newspapers in other cities will see it RUSTIC CURIOSITY “You must write me lots of postal cards while Tam away for the summer,” said one young woman. “Why postal cards?" inquired the other. “Oh, to make it more pleasant and sociable. The post master takes an interest in you and everybody is willing to g after your mail if you have plenty of postal cards in it, Washington Stor. Lire, is published every Thursday countries in the Postal Unio Back Lave. is for sale by all $5.00 a year fewsdealers in Great Britain, :. C.. England, Acests. Brentano's, 37 Avenue de VOpéra, Paris, advance, $1.04. year; to Canada, 52 cents. bers, after three months from date of publication, 23 cents. The International News Company, Breams Additional postage to. foreign ‘Single current copies, 10 cents, Saarbach’s News Exchang Saarbach’s News Exchange, 1, New Coventry ws Exchange, 9 Rue St. Georges, Paris; Saarbach's News Exchange, flayence, Germany No contribution will be rdurned unless accompanied by stamped and addressed envelope. ret, Leicester Square, W., London; Saarbach’s I, Via Firenze, Milan: The illustrations in Live. are copyrighted and are not to be reproduced. Prompt notiscation should be sent by subscribers of any change of address. White Rock “The Champagne of Waters” Forms in I color retail at 10 cents. Forms in 3 colors retail at 25, 35 cents. Ask for“ RAD-BRIDGE.” If your dealer does not keep them we will send postpaid to any address on receipt of price. 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