Life — June 20, 1907 — page 22: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

b4 cm ETlFRREY; ==AUT SCISSORS: | AuTNULLUS WHAT NOT TO ASK THE CAPTAIN “The annual rush of tourists back and forth over the Atlantic has begun,” said a liner’s captain, “and Iam hardening myself to stand the usual ten tourist questions. ere are ten questions that every tourist who can get near enough pats to me. You'll put them to me if you ever . p. T have been asked these ten questions ‘They are Were you ever shipwrecked?” Any whales in this latitude?” How deep is the water here?’ “* What tips are usually given, and to whom ?* “How many times fave you crossed the Atlantic ?* “What is the best remedy for seasickness?* “*Why are you always painting this ship?? ‘“*Will you let me come up on the bridge some time? “*Do you remember my cousin who crossed with you in the spring of '052" ""T suppose the px n't they? gers ask you a great many stupid questions, Philadelphia Bulletin, ONE THING SCOTCH CAN'T HOARD Miss Elizabeth Marbury, of the board of governors-of New York's woman's club, the Colony, was discussing the question of the club's liquor license. “It is rather a matter of indifference to us,” she said, “whether we get a license of not. Women, you know, are not given to drinking. They are too careful of their appearance. They desire to remain slim and fresh, and wine, as you know, tends to make us coarse and stale and fat 10, if we had a license, I think we should sell little. It would not be with us as with a farmer I once met in Scotland Traveling in the Scottish Highlands one summer, I stopped ata farmhouse for a cup of milk, and the view from the door was so lovely that I said to the farmer “*Ah, what a superb place to live in!” “*Ou, aye,’ he answered, in conventional Scot, but boo wad ye like, ma'am, to time ye wanted a bit glass o” whut “*Oh, well,’ said I, ‘why don’t you get a demijohn of whiskey and keep it in the house?” He shook his head sadly. Whuskey,’ he said, ‘won't kee THE LIE ACCORDING TO MR. DOOLEY “A lie may be as simple as th’ thruth. Th’ fact iv th’ matther is that th’ rale thruth is niver simple. What we call thruth an’ pass around fr'm hand to hand is on’y a kind iv a currency that we use f'r convenience. ‘There are a good manny counterfeiters an’ a lot iv th’ counterfeits mus’ be in circulation. I haven't anny question that I take in manny iv thim over me intellecbool bar ivry day, an’ pass out not a few. Some iy th’ counterfeits has as much precious metal in thim as th’ rale goods, on’y they don't bear th’ govermint stamp." Dissertations by Mr. Dooley. war Suey Hungry Mouse: YM AWYCLLY HUNGRY, BUT IF 1 EAT THE CANDLE 1 CAN'T FINISH THIS STORY! THE PROPER LOCATION Hosax: T haven't seen you for nearly a year, Where are you located new ? Tosix: In New York City “What are you doing?” ying to make an honest living.” “Well, you ought to succeed there. You have no opposition worth mentioning.” —Chicogo News S NOT ABOVE BUTTONS ‘The late Henrik Thsen upheld the superiority of women in his, dramas, but in real life he considered them inferior to mes in many lines of usefulness generally classed as feminine. For example, his friend, John Paulsen, says in the London Times that one of Ibsen's maxims was “No woman could write a cook-book and no woman can sew a batton on fast."” He lived up to the latter part of his dictum. When he de- tected a Joose button on any of his garments, he retreated to his own den, locked himself in, and with elaborate preparations sewed the button on, He took as much pains with the job as he would with the final, fair copy of one of his pays. Then he used to brag about the performance, saying that he would not put trust in a button sewn on by any woman—not even by his wife. His wife used to laugh with a quaintly ironical expression oa these occasions. She confided to Paulsen that she secretly resewed all the buttons that the poet had sewn, sewed them as only a woman can, she said. He always forgot to fasten the thread, and the buttons would come off in a few days if she did not look after them. “But don’t undeceive him," the faithful wife added, ap- pealingly; “it makes him so happy to think that he does it.” HE WAS OVEREDUCATED Ina small Georgia town live an old negro couple. The wife supports both. Uncle Zeke, says a writer in the Philadelphia Public Ledger, spends most of his time fishing in the brick-yard pond; not that he expects 19 catch any fish, but “des to hab some harmless ‘musement, chile.” Aunt Mary takes in washing. One day one of Aunt Mary’s patrons broached the subject to her, and suggested that she should not encourage her husband's laziness by supporting him in idleness, but Aunt Mary protested Deed, honey, mah ole man ain't lazy," she declared. “It's des' dem scientific notions he got when he was a-workin’ at de college.” “But what have scientific theories got to do with his pot working?” the lady demanded. *Got et whole lot to do, honey," Aunt Mary said, gathering up her basket. “Yo" see, dem ideas what he got was dot it wasn’t healthy ter wuck after meals; an’ he ain't been able ter figger out no way ter ‘complish dat, not yet, ‘less he gibs up eatin’, an’ course he can’t do dat.” BASEBALL LANGUAGE Friel hita weak and nervous roller to Anderson, who stabbal atit.” “The two men on bases were tearing around like tomeats filled with birdshot. riel was throwing the mud head high as he plowed.” Anderson gathered the damp horsehide and chucked it’ convulsive grasp and Patten had it.” The fietding oa both sides was green, with saffron touches.” “The signal to turn the electricity on was made by Cantillon.” * Nill bored it through to left.” Big John Anderson nipped a single off Robertaille.” Nill and Perrine grabbed the bounding atmosphere.”” Hughes and Patten got demerits for seizing their left feet.” “Robby tried a damp sling."—IWashington Post. p Lite is published every Thunday. $5.00 a pear in advance f date of publication, 25 cents, re. is ewsdealery in Great Britain. ‘The International News Company, Breams jing, Chancery . England, Acrsts. Brentano's, 37 Av ‘ostage to foreign countries in the 1 Union, $1.04. year extra. Single current copies, 10 cents. bach's News Exchange, : . New Coventry Street. Leicester Square, W., Lendoa: Back numbers, after three months News Exchange, 9 Rue St. Georges, Paris; Saarbach’s News Exchange, 1, Via Firenze, Milan: arbach's Saarbuch's News Exchange, Mayence, Germany No contribution will be rdurned unless accom panied by stamped and addressed envelope. The illustrations in Lav¥. are copyrighted and are not to be reproduced Prompt netiscation should be sent by sudscriders o] any change of address. Wilson - For guarantee of purity, see back \abel oneverybdiile; Wats WY A SINGLE ORDER OF BOTTLES FOR HUNTER WHIS IF PLACED END TO END, WOULD REACH FROM BALTIMORE TO CHICAGO THIS GIVES SOME IDEA OF THE MAGNITUDE. OF ITS POPULARITY WM. LANAHAN & SON, Baltimore, Md. @® Four 24-Hour Trains to Chicago Every Day—NEW YORK CENTRAL LINES comicbooks.com