Life, 1906-12-13 · page 12 of 28
Life — December 13, 1906 — page 12: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains two distinct pieces of satirical commentary on American life: **"From the Diary of a Hopeless Case"** (left): A first-person account mocking the obsession with physical fitness and exercise culture. The narrator, despite doctor's orders and various fitness regimens (tennis, horseback riding, golf, Indian clubs), remains consistently out of shape and unhealthy. The satire targets both the era's health-conscious fads and the narrator's inability to maintain discipline—a common anxiety about modern life's conflicting demands between work and wellness. **"The Wreck of the Hesperus Family"** (right): A poem satirizing urban family life and traffic dangers in the modern city, featuring a father and daughter navigating Broadway amid automobiles and pollution. It parodies Longfellow's famous shipwreck poem, treating contemporary urban hazards as equivalent to maritime disaster. Both pieces mock early 20th-century anxieties about modernity's pressures.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
FROM A NOVEL “THERE WAS SOMETHING IN MER MANNER THAT MADE IDL VEEL THAT SHE WAS BENEATH MIM.” From the Diary of a Hopeless Case T IS a good thing for me that I have gotten up every moming at six, for the last month, and ridden horseback before breakfast. Otherwise I would not have been able to stand the strain of my business. As it is, I am not so well as I ought to be. I think, after all, that horseback rid- ing was perhaps not quite suited to my case. And so I am now walking fifteen miles a day. Somehow I haven't gone into this with the spirit and vim that I ought to, but that is because, doubtless, my mind is too much on my work. Just think, if I feel as mean as this with all this health-gi , how could I live without it? I’m losing a little weight, but too much flesh is superfluous any- way Golf in the afternoon now. Walk to and from links. Also Indian clubs in evening before retiring. I sometimes wonder if they keep me awake. But I must freshen up a bit. “LIPE* Saw my doctor to-day. “What you need,” he said, ‘1s more exercise. Your system demands it.” As if I didn’t know that. I must try and cut off another hour from business and take up tennis. They say it is great for one’s liver. 1 sometimes wonder if I am running down-hill. If I were not so systematic and persist- ent in keeping up my exercise, why I'd go all to pieces in no time. The trouble is that I don’t take enough. I ought to be able to place myself in such superb physical condition each day that the business drain I would scarcely notice. Got a lot of books to-day on physical culture. New ideas. Several forms of exercise I hadn't thought of. Also new ways of taking a bath. I must do something, as I am certainly not on the improve. Have lost nearly ten pounds in last two months. It’s no se. In spite of every i What my system demands is exercise, but I’ve tried every kind there is and can’t scem to find just the right combina- tion. I’m in bad shape, that's certain, Wall, I'll have to give up. T've made a fight for my life, but the strain has been too gréat. Henceforth I shalll lie down calmly, and wait the end. @y At least I shall die in peace. Yesterday I sat around all day and did absolutely nothing. It’s fatal, of course, but I don’t care now. I’ve made up my mind to face the end calmly. Slept a litue better last night. Strange to say, Iam gaining in weight. Can’t account for it Still taking it easy. Must say I feel stronger. I'm getting well. Can it be that I have made a mistake? I haven't taken a bit of exer- cise now for a month. Just look at me! At my bright e: At my color! I’m positively getting stout. No more golf! No more tennis! No more horseback riding! No more exer- cise! WWat I really needed was Rest. The Wreck of the Hesperus Family T WAS old Farmer Hesperus And his daughter, Milly May, And they stood together hand in hand In the middle of Broadway. “O Father, I hear a raucous shout— O Father, what can it be?” “Tis only a tall policeman, child, Who waves his hand at thee.” “O Father, I hear the sound of wheels And hoofs that loudly ring.”” “It’s one o' them there hansom cabs— Gash-bish the durned old thing!” “O Father, I see a cloud of dust Sift o'er me, head to feet.” “It’s one o them dum fool White Wings A-sweepin’ off the strect.” “But, Father, I smell an odd perfume— O Father, what can it mean?” “Don't fly into hy-stericks, child— It's only gasolene.”” Nay, Father, I hear the cry, ‘Look out!’ And fear is on my nerve.” whizz! here comes an auto-car -puflin’ round the curve!” her, I feel a dreadful bump— What means that sickly thud?” But the Father answered never a word, For his mouth was full of mud. Wallace Irwin, Business “\Y7HERE are you going, my pretty maid?” a® ‘I'm going a-jilting, sir,” she said. Spaniel: 1 PLAY ENTIRELY BY FAR. Pug: SO WOULD 1 IF 1 HAD YOUR EARS.