Life — July 19, 1906 — page 12: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

*LIFE: Civilizing the Chink gle-eyed, argus-cyed, four-eyed reporter of the per- oxide Oroide, of New York, met the Chinese Commi sioner down the bay, and backing him up against a winch proceeded to interview him. “I represent the Oroide, Mr. Bang Up Fang,” said the reporter, gracefully. “Iam Slusher, of '95; used to be in your class at played on the Nine, and was in the Glee Club.” “Ah,” murmured the Chinese statesman, “I recall you. You were in my class—once. Experience on the Nine is good training fora life of exposure. Your reputation asa muck-raker gone abroad. I thought I could smell you off Fire Island.” The hardened exposer blushed under these encomiums, but he was on business and simply asked, ‘The Oroide would like to know how China is progressing in civilization?” “China,” responded Bang Up Fang, ‘tis moving up to the ideals of Western Civilization very rapidly, but until the old Conservatives die off we cannot expect to reach the American stage of development. Our young people are having their appendices vermiform removed gradually, and there is hope that the Emperor will soon consent to an operation. We-have a good army, well trained for the work of maiming and mur: dering our enemies, and our new packing houses in the bubonic districts are having gratifying success in curbing the growth of population. We expect to begin exporting our carrion at an carly date, and I am in hopes of placing the American agency of our canneries in the hands of the Federal Embalming and Casket Company before I leave. “Weare educating our people up to the grand Twentieth Century idea of publicity, and soon privacy will be unknown in China. All houses are now built with solid glass fronts, so that any editor or preacher can see what's going on inside all the time, and every fashionable house has a bulletin board on the street giving details of all the domestic life within at all hours. Chinese fathers and mothers are being trained to know their places, to honor, obey, work for and support their’ children and to efface themselves when visitors come to play bridge. Even our lower classes are feeling the pregnant touch of the civilizing influences of the West. To-day we can insult, annoy and mob visiting foreigners as successfully as you Americans, arid we are exporting our failures to carry the light of Buddha and Confucius into the heathen lands of America and Europe, men who at a pinch can foment a war for us when our army and navy feel blue moldy and want exercise. “You can say to the Oroide that China is moving upward and onward all the time, and by industry and attention to our foreign exemplars, we will soon produce our own slums and other aids to degeneration. In that distant and glorious day, we hope to create yellow papers, yellow editors, yelling reformers and all the finest fruits of Western ion.” Slusher went back to his editor in the sixty-fifth story of the Oreide Building, and said, ‘Some chumps would say that Chink was up-to-date; but you hear me, Mr. Saffaron, this age has got to get a hustle on to keep up to the Chink—and say, he used to be in my class.”” Joseph Smith. WHY THEY MARRIED SHE YANCIED MIM BECAUSE SHE FELT A VERY PIQUANT CHARM. IN THE UNEXPECTED, AWFUL THINGS 1H SAID; ON MER REMARKS ME COULD DEPEND, THEY NEVER CAUSED ALARM— $0, AS THEY BOTH WERE PLEASED, THEY WED! JOR MARRIED MISS PAULA M'QUAVER, AND, ALTHOUGH SHE WAS THIN AND PASSE, SHE REALLY NAD LOTS IN HER FAVOR ABOUT EIGHT CITY LOTS ON BROADWAY! comicbooks.com