Life — July 5, 1906 — page 26: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

AT THE ‘PHONE Mr. Miggles was trying to call up a friend who lived in a suburban town. Mr. Miggles looked up the number, then got central “Hello!” he said. “Give me Elmdale two-ought-four-seven.” “Elmdale? I'll give you the Jong distances Long distance asked, “What is it?” * “Elmdale two-ought-four seven.” “Elmdale two-ought-four-seven ?" is your number?" told you. Elmdale two-ought "— an your own house number.”” ixty-five Blicken Street.” Dh, that isn’t what I mean. Your ‘phone number.” “Why dida’t you say so?” asked Me. Miggles, who is noted for his quick temper. “Tid. What is it?” “Violet Park eight-seven-seven.” Violet Park cight-double-seven?” “reckon so.” “And what number do you want?” Elmdale two-ought-four-seven.” “What is your name?” “My name is Joha Henry Miggles. [live at 65 Blicken Stevet, Violet Park; my house "phone is Violet Park eight-seven-seven or cight-double-seven, as you choo; Tam married. have no children; we keep a dog and a cat and a perpetual palm and a Boston fern and " “All that is unnecessary, sir. We merely" — “And last summer we didn’t have a bit of luck with our roses I tried to have a little garden, too. but the neighbors’ chickens got away with that; the house is green, with red gables; there is a cement walk from the street; Iam forty years old; my wife is younger and looks it; we have a piano; keep a cook and an upstairs girl; had the front bedroom papered last week and I want to" — “Did you want Elmhurst two-ought-four-seven?” “Yes!” gasped Mr. Miggles “Well, the circuit is busy now. Please call again.” But Mr. Miggles wrote a letter. —New Orleans Picayune. NO ROOM FOR ARGUMENT “1 always try to be up-to-date," remarked young DeBorem, fas the cuckoo clock chirped the half-hour previous to midnight * rejoined Miss Caustique, as she attempted to strangle ayawn, “you certainly are the latest thing out.” —Chicago Daily News. HE HAD TO BUTTON THEM They took him to the sanitarium moaning feebly: “Thirty ¢, thirty-nine “What does he mean by that?" the attendant inquired. t's the number of batons on the back of his wife's new frock,” the family doctor explained —Cleveland Plain Dealer he whispered. HIS METHOD ‘Three college boys who lived in Pasadena took a trip to Los Angeles and stayed as long as their money held out. ‘The young, est fellow in the party, having only twenty-five cents in his pocket, got very nervous for fear his companions wouldn't have enough to buy his ticket back home. ‘The two elder fellows, wh. had secretly purchased three tickets, said to the younger, “We've only got money enough to take two of us, but rather than lea: you behind we'll stow you under a seat, where you can be entirely hidden from the conductor.” The younger thought that thing was better than walking. so he got aboard with his friends and crawled under a seat, according to instructions. Whea the conductor came along the two men on top of the seat handed him three tickets. "What's this third ticket for?" asked the conductor. “Oh, that’s for our friend,” they explained “He's under the seat here. He always prefers to travel that way!" Success “SHE MEAVED A cy" AS USUAL Sarr: For heaven's sake, old man, what's the matter? Been ina wreck? Sayre: Nope. “Struck by a chug wagon?" “Nop “Pushed through a window ?"" Been mixing it with the cat?” “Nope.” The cook?" Nope.” Your wife?” “What's the answer?” “Been trying a new safety razor, that’s all.""—Pacife Monthly. CHIMMIE’S VERSION A school teacher on the lower East Side in New York a few years ago read the story of Aladdin's Lamp to her charges. The next day she requested them to write the story for her. Chimmie Flynn, however, had been absent the previous day, and had not heard the story. But with the craftiness of the gamin, he did not intend to display his ignorance, and accordingly wrote the follow- ing composition: “Aladun wuz a kid what hung out down to Baster st. be sold wurtras and shooted craps. his ole man wuznt ao good and his ma she licked him awful. so Aladun he didnt mosey round home much. he could fite to, and one day he picked a scrap wid a dago cause the dago win all his money shootin craps. he nocked the tar outer the dago but a nother one comes runnin up and hands him a packige rite om the left surch lite. bout a our frum then he had a peach of a mouse there and when his ole man sees him he says whats the matter and Aladun says I fell and hit the curb. you lie says the ole man you bin fitin’ and sumbody put out your lamp. cummere till T make it two. and thats the story of Aladun and his lamp.""—Pacifc Monthly. A WASHINGTON DISTINCTION Crstosrn: Give me two yards of honesty, please Cuurk: Very sorry, madam, we are just out of honesty; but T can show you candor, which looks just like it, and is less expensive —American Spectator. NOTWITHSTANDING “Here, hold my horse a minute, will you?” “Sir! I'ma member of Congress!” “Never mind. You look honest. I'll take a chance."—Lowis- ville Courier-Journal. A HUNGRY WOLF A red-faced man was holding the attention of a little group with some wonderful recitals. he said, “happened a few years ago in Russia. One night, when skeighing about ten miles from my destination, I discovered, to my intense horror, that I was being followed by a pack of wolves. I fired blindly into the pack, killing one of the brutes, and to my delight saw the others stop to devour it. After doing this, however, they still came on. I kept on repeating the dose, with the same result, and cach occasion gave me an opportunity to whip up my horses. Finally there was only one wolf left, yet on it came, with its fierce eyes glaring in anticipation of a good, hot supper."” Here the man who had been sitting in the corner burst forth into a fit of laughter “Why, man,” said be, “by your way of reckoning, that last wolf must have had the rest of the pack inside him!” “ARI” said the red-faced man without a tremor, “now I remember it did wobble a bit.” —Rochester Post-Ex press. Knumatt Carrow was the champion absented-minded man of the town of Bedford, Mass., for a matter of fifty years. On cone occasion, says the Boston Herald, he called on his old friend, Dr. B. E. Sawyer, and after a couple of hours’ chat over old times the doctor saw him to the door and bade him good night, saying “Come again. Family all well, I suppose ?” “My heavens!” exclaimed Mr. Carrow, “that reminds me of my errand; my wile is in a fit!"—Bufalo Commercial. Lire is published every Thursday. $5.00 a year in advance. Postage to foreign countries in the Postal Union, $1.04 a year extra. Single current copies, 10 cents, Back numbers, after three months from date of publication, 25 cents Lire. is for sale by all Newsdealers in, Great Britain. The International News Company, Bream's Building. Chancery Lane, London. E. C., England, AGests. No contribution will be returned unless accompanied by stamped and addressed envelope. The illustrations in Lave. are copyrighted, and are not to be reproduced. Prompt notifcation should be sent by subscribers of any change of address HUNTER BALTIMORE Wison- Wre ony winskey, that proces a compete, quararieed analysis on Scere valtle- R Y F Seedack \abel! IS THE WHISKEY OF REFINED TASTE THE CONNOISSEUR'S FIRST CHOICE Thats Ail! nee WM. LANAHAN & SON, Raltimore, Md. NEW YORK CENTRAL LIN = Finest One-Day Railroad Ride in the World NEW YORK TO .- BUFFALO, Vila