Life, 1906-06-21 · page 16 of 28
Life — June 21, 1906 — page 16: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three separate satirical pieces mocking American society circa early 1900s: **"No Help for It"** (poem by Tom Masson): Ridicules intellectuals obsessed with reading the latest fashionable books while ignoring literary classics (Shakespeare, Homer, Goethe, Cervantes, Montaigne). The satire is that people prioritize current trends over actual merit. **The Automobile Joke**: A man with a record-breaking car isn't satisfied—he wants one that destroys trees and telegraph poles, mocking excessive materialism and recklessness among the wealthy. **"The Ideal Insurance"**: Parodies absurd insurance schemes with mock-serious offers of asbestos coffins and dynamite packages for the afterlife, complete with champagne tanks and Marie Corelli novels. It satirizes both over-insurance marketing and literary taste (Corelli was considered lowbrow). **"When They Wore Armor"**: A brief joke playing on names: "Spike Hennessy, the safe blower" confuses a medieval knight, creating wordplay humor. All pieces mock contemporary American pretensions and consumer culture.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
No Help for It I SAW Montaigne upon a stand; He smiled a Gallic smile quite bland And beckoned me. Had I ime I might have stopped. But ‘twas a crime To waste upon Montaigne a look When I'd not read the latest book, As I sat waiting in a room, Oppressed with some ancestral gloom, I looked, and lo! in binding rare I saw Cervantes pining there, Brooding alone in dusty nook. Nay, friend! For me the latest book. ‘There's Shakespe others ‘c, Homer, Goethe too, quite a cultured crew. their wit is fresh to-<. But to read them! It cannot be! By hook or crook, Why, I must read the latest book Tom Masson. HE: Now that you have an automobile that will break records, are you not satisfied ? He: No, I want one that will break trees and telegraph poles. The Ideal Insurance ITIZENS OF AMERICA: For the small sum of St,000, pay- able in two annual payments of S500 cach, we furnish at your death an asbestos coffin guaranteed to sus a uniform heat of 7,950° F., under any terrestrial or infernal condition, ordinary or extra- ordina The coffin is fitted with our special felt-padded liquid air chamt from head to foot, a condensed germ- proof down pillow, a champagne tank, an ample store of Nabisco wafers (cither chocolate or vanilla, as de electric lighting plant and an exciting library to pass the hellish time away composed of th works of Marie Corelli and several other standard authors. For the modest sum of $2,000, payable in four annual payments of $500 each, we will, by furnishing a two-ton cask of dynamite, guarantee you a sure and safe i © to the heavenly or celestial regions above or below, depending entirely upon the position’ of the earth at your decease. We furnish, in addition, a complete suit of extra strong Tangle- foot fly paper, of unrivalled tenacity and ed), an. WHAT IS BETTER stability, for the purpose of-sticking you to the aforesaid celestial regions, a free pass through the Golden Gate and a sufficient quantity of milk and honey for the journey, all for the aforesaid small “For the love of heaven, what more could mortal man desire?” Very respectfully, Tur Ipeat InsurANCE AGENCY. Who Should Write Our Stories HE Love Story—Twain. The English Story—London. The Tearful Story—Paine. The Creditor’s Story—Hope. The Baby Story—Howells. The Newlywed Story—Batcheller. The Young Bud Sto lower. The Sarcastic Story—Cutting. When They Wore Armor “wie are you?” inquired Arthur of the stranger. “Tam Spike Hennessy, blower,” was the answer. “At last!” exclaimed the — king. “Hurry, then, and help me unbutton my friend Launcelot’s pea-jacket. I fear that he has fainted.” King the safe comicbooks.com