Life — May 10, 1906 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

-LIFE- Keep a Socialist VERY family in affluent circumstances nowadays ought to keep a Socialist. There is more entertainment to be got out of such a domestic accessory than out of a thousand-dollar cook or a squad of chauffeurs. If you have too good a cook there is a hazard of cating too much and suffering ill-consequences, but a Socialist in the house promotes ussion and the diffusion of ideas, betters the quality of table-talk and is good for digestion. Chaffeurs are urce of considerable anxiety. Domestic- ally considered they are neither flesh, fish nor red-herring. ‘There is always the risk that they will have out the devil-wagon out of hours and run over somebody without leave. But the right sort of Socialist is a safe household appurtenance that won't do anybody any bodily harm, and that makes the ills- that-are tolerable by advocacy of the insufferable conditions that he wishes to substitute for them. Such a one in the house is a true well-spring of contentment. No rich family ought to be without one. If all the rich Socialists should get poor, and all the poor Socialists should get rich, what a very curious and interesting readjustment of views would follow. We don’t think the S istic ebullition is likely to thrive in this country. Get one while the supply holds out Unmade History TH year 1950 was marked by an acute crisis in world politics, brought on by the discovery that Great Britain's newest battleship was twenty feet longer than Long Island, whereas our coast fortifications had just been rebuilt on the supposition that it was ten feet shorter. Stocks instantly tumbled to the lowest level in years. The Government at Washington sat up all night, mobilizing the forces and denying beef scandals. Ten million troops were thrown into New York, and ten million more were massed on the Canadian border, while eighty-seven horse-doctors were made Major-Generals and given independentcommands. The newspapers, with a restraint as patriotic as it was un- usual, printed only the facts, and these in letters less than < foot tall. The populace betrayed some feverishness, at first, but when they were sharply reminded that unless they kept right at work they couldn’t pay their taxes, and if they didn’t pay their taxes all was lost, including honor and the next clections, they gave three cheers for the flag and went on as usual. But for the single-minded devotion of Congress, whereof all parties, in the face of the nation’s peril, forgot to be partisan and unanimously voted the immediate construction of a battle- ship to cost a hundred million dollars, exclusive of armament and graft, and the self-effacement of the bureau chiefs of the Navy, who quit quarreling and agreed on a type right away, there must have been war, it being conceded on all hands that the issues involved were far too vital to be left to the Hague Tribunal, + WHY THEY MARRIED MISS LUELLA GLOAMING WAS NATCRALLY GLUM SO SHE MARRIED YOUNG GROUCH, THE RECLUSE YOR SHE SAYS WHEN SHE'S SAD, SHE JUST LOOKS AT HIS FACE THEN SHE CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH LIKE THE DECCE! ME. PINIEAD WAS WORTH RIGHTY MILLIONS, MISS NOTIINGBUTT NAD EiCHTY-Two WHY DO CASI AND SPONDULICKS GET MARRIED? SPONDTLICKS AND CASH ALWAYS Do!!