Life — May 3, 1906 — page 30: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

KARNE! In dicshunaries unabridged On Karnegy fre shelf, Such wurd mite be as “oskulate,”” He nose it not himself A tale has gone t In Georgia, traveling thare, Outshun the famous Hobson act, And kist Atlan rounds that he 's fare He never kist—"twuz base report With malus f Wile unsuspishus of attak He wuz kist, tru, by forse ts sourse, He stude in pleasent convurse, by thot of ill deturd, Just shaking The incedent okurd ands and smiling. wen Tu dames, well drest, wur in the line, Thare plan he cud not see; Like rest tha told him how Nice wuz his libraree Then all at wunse—pore man, cud he Detect thare horid plot? 1 Andru’s nek tha pat thare And kist the kanny Skot And now he sez thos kises twane Wur stolen, not a gift: Thos dames did simplee “ ‘Thos kisses did tha “lift if he feels the t In such ungallant strane Why did he not just halt thos thieves, And tak them bak ag: ? —Baltimore American. hold him up, eft so sore, NOT A DARNED FOOL Years ago, when telephones were still a novelty, a farmer from the outskirts of Manchester, N. H., and called on a lawyer friend of his, now United States Senator pplied with butter, and who ne to town one day ¢ recently put in his office. Need any butter ing?” asked the farmer Well, I don't know ute. Ilask my wife abe After speaking through the ‘phone, he went on my wered the lawyer. “Wait a min wife says no. The out with have my whiskers f as to believe th: Then he broke "and I of hay and haysced, but I'm not such a ner's face was a study for a moment “Look a-here, Mr. Lawyer, I may be a ‘rube darned {0 your wife is in that box!” Exchange THE SPEAKER Speaker Reed. of the House of Representatives, had visited a barber shop in Washin, 4 scraped his chin, he began to cast for further work or for a chance to sell h “Hair purty thin, suh,” he said, fingering the two or three y locks that fringed Mr. Reed's bald pate. “Been that way ng, sub?" : “Twas born that way,” replied Reed. “Afterward I enjoyed a brief period of hirsute efflorescence, but it did not endure." ‘The barber gasped and said po more. Later some one tokl had shaved the Speaker Speakah!" he exclaimed. "Don’t I know dat? I should —Denver Times for a shave. onics him say he was a speakah, sure ‘nuf Spaniel: WHat MAKES YOU THINK YoU WOULD MAKE A SUC CESSFUL LAWYER? Pugs WELL, YOU KNOW, MY FATHER HAD A SPLENDID BENCH RECORD A HOMILETICAL REPEATER “It was in a small Ge gation that I heard a preacher who, when he had completed his introduction and first point, said: ‘1 have come to the second head” A man rubbed his eyes, folded his arms across his breast red ready for that bead. When it was finished he had overcome the drowsiness and sat down. During the elucidation of the third head. three other men stood up. At the close of his sermon the preacher found all his people asleep. As he stopped, 1 looked up and seemed greatly relieved. But the good man said: "You have slept all through the sermon, and as this isa sermon you all ought to hear, I will begin it anew.""—The Ficlesiastical Review: NON-INTOXICANT Dr. Wiley, of the Department of Agriculture, says that bottled whiskey is the only safe kind. The records show th whiskey left in a bottle has never injured any one seriously Harper's Weekly nan © rose, they Lire. is published every Thursday. $5.00 a year in advance Postal Union, $1.04 a year extra. Single current cop from date of public 5 cents Lire is for sale by ealers in Great Britain London, E. C., E J, AGENTS. Postage +, 10 cents. The International News Co foreign countries in the Back numbers, after three months No contribution will be returned wiless accompanied by stamped and addressed THE OLD BALL PLAYER Old Jake Jones was sitting in the easy chair which was a part of the littie country store that he owned, when his son came rushing in, full of excitement. “Pop!'® he shouted, as he waved a baseball club around his head, “we skinned dem Mayville guys wid a cinch. Why, sy it was just like taking candy away from a baby. Talk aboot your great batting. Jimmie Milligan hit the ball so bard that when that spindle-legged gazabo that plays first for Mayville tried to catch it it went right through his hands and the grub digester, and be almost broke his back trying himself into a knot. And, oh! you ought to see the catch Billy McDougal made. He jumped about five feet in the sit, stuck out his paw and caught Si Corntassel’s long drive, turned regular circus fipflop and landed safely on his feet. Gee, whiz! but didn't de crowd cheer.” Here Jake interrupted his son by solemnly saying: “Why. William, them plays aint nothing to the plays us fellows used tomake. Why, I was the champion batter of Western Now York, and every time I came to bat you could see the field get way hack near the fence. Why, say, I was a regular star. Just let me take that club, son.” ‘Taking the club, he grasped it firmly with both hands. planted his foet like a professional. and then proceeded to show Wike how to bat, with the result that the club got away from him. crashed through the window and killed his two game roosters who were just preparing for a fight. Jake then dropped back in his chair with a look of disgust on his face, exclaiming: “I ain't as good as I used to be. but I believe I can play as good as any of Rochester's last year's players "—Bufalo Times. INSURANCE BENEFITS “OF course it’s a platitude to say that the American is the most quick-witted nationality,” says a promineat gl 1d that’s a fact that I've been aware of for years: but same, I never fully realized the admirable sang. froid ence of mind displayed by my countrymen under embarrassing conditions abroad till this summer “There was traveling with us on the train from Berlin to Mos cow a young chap from New York, who, for some reason or other, had failed to provide himself with a passport. When we reached the Russian frontier he was, of course, instantly held wp bya Russian inspector of customs, who demanded to sce his passpor. For an instant our New Yorker was stumped, but he quickly met the emergency. From the recesses of an inner pocket be cstentatiously drew forth his life insurance policy and handed it to the Muscovite. With the utmost gravity the official gravely scrutinized the imposing seal and the bewildering array of signa tures. Then, satisfied, he returned the policy to our New Yorker, and the latter passed on."—Harper’s Weekly nd. pres TRYING TO REASSURE HIM © Yes.” said Miss Tartun, “at the next meeting of the club we are to have amateur theatricals. You are to have a thioking par “ But,” objected Archie Feathertop, much mortified, no other—"" “Oh, you're not really expected to think, you know only nced to look as if you were doing it.” is there You wil Chicago Tridure. The illustrations in Lire are copyrighted, and are not to be reproduced. pany, Bream's Woe onda whaskey, thot places o compete, quararkeed ondlysis on each kevery, battle See back \abel ! @® New York Central's Grand Central Station, center of the city of New York At your club or dealer's SURBRUG-Importer Thats All! Prom pt notification should be sent by subscribers of any change of address. The Egyptian Cigarette of Quality AROMATIC DELICACY— MILDNESS— PURITY —)\ comicbooks.com