Life — June 29, 1905 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

The Fourth of July. HE American Republic was born ont surth of July, 1 anniversary of the event the mtrammeled freemen of the land ce! brate the day by trying to blow the f the map. The birth of the sec- a Philadelphia house by a patriot who read a docu- ment called the Declaration of Inde- pendence, an instrument so laden with and ; and window of noble impracticable sentim at it was laid away tenderly on department Glittering neralities are st itteri platform, forum and pulpit ; the nd produce a thrill of et in our privacy, the man who Declaration, the Decalogue, and other gl picion. and reprobatec where ored. g Generalities are useful on tickle the public © virtue ; quotes th gens, is viewed with sus- a demagogue and hypocrite. ‘The new-born baby s noisy, sponsors were grave, and frosty ; nguage and conduct towards its Mother Country have ver been forgotten lignitied 4 or forgiven, except at those Anglo-Saxor, Hand: he- sea orgies, where the wine is better than the wit, the soup than the sen- timent, and the waiters than the who add to the ty of both nations. CTO: weeping windbags given over to tumult and terror, to speech-making, baseball, remen’s musters, fi ons, mutilations, house-burnings and other joys. Timid and prudent citizens in that great day flee to moun- tain and wood, 1 tremblingly wai ifth to collect fi surance, bury the dead, and p noise, pic- nics, explos the dawn of the maimed and powder-stained children. Men of meager means must remain at home to endure the pains and 7 of patriotism, to put cotton in their ears and Croton in their ht and a je y vying the British hirelings who fled the Continent to escape the frightful fruits of American independence. Only one thing remains to complete his bi terness, and that is the untimely re- me f amily parrot, “ Polly x ulties: ails, to spend a sleepless 1 less day en- Hymns to celeb of all dis ng patriots that the late lamented Herr Voy enth, ver hurled himself at the subject, sine and discord could do justi The Fourth of July is a declaration that Liberty is not a shrinking and tender spring chicken, but an explo- sive, tumultuous, vociferous party, in- different to the comfort and sensi- bilities of all the world; and having asserted itself with gunpowder, dyn: mite, bra: id hot air on this one gre: day, it is willing to lie down the rest of the year to be kicked and derided by yrtafters, politicians, financiers, reform- ers, professors, and all the other agents provocative of treason and rebellion. nly his supreme genius for noise » the di one person the Fourth of July is - of supreme bliss, and that is the American boy, the a sullen captive of ool, the serf of the Sun- ave of maternal soap, ent and solicitation. ‘To him it when he can cast off the shackles of a hated civilization, sco at authority, abandon good manners and hes, howl at his enem the cop, bombard his relatives, scare his n good cle ghbor’s dog, and be once more a hot, happy, hilarious, heedless, whoop- ing, howling human boy. The Fourth of July but isn’t a do; n the Republic th when the is a noble day there canary loesn’t re- joic th comes. Joseph Smith, IRST DOCTOR: I have to be very careful about giving t rip- tion! Secon cure? S pres Doctor: Does it kill or comicbooks.com