Life — December 29, 1904 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

HOW IT ALWAYS HAPPENS. (For the benefit of the busy reader we here give a digest of the annual football story which is now appearing in all the best: magazines.) He was a sub And a perfect dub, And he weighed one-twenty:two; The bleachers laughed And the rooters chaffed When our hero came to view Of our eleven They'd injured seven, While their line was immense; And they made a book That they'd make us look Like Jess than thirty cents, Our hero dashed At the line, and smashed Both legs, but he dign't tel Ilis heart was stout, Tho’ one eye was out, For above the footers’ yell He heard the sereech Of a iittle peach Whom he loved the best of all; So he breathed a prayer, And he hustled for To get his mitts on the ball, air He broke the line Like a piece of twine, 1 he crippled the centre rush; And he killed both guards, Ran ninety yards, Then fell in the bloody slush! A At the end of the week He managed to speak, Though his head was still a whirl. They told him he'd won The game by his run, And so he married the girl —Ch veland Leader. PAINLESS DENTISTRY. . “Will—will it hurt much?" she asked the dentist, when he said that the tooth must come out. “Well, it will jar you a little, of course,” he re- plied, with a smile, —I never had a tooth pulled before,” she said, SAID THIS PARROT FROM OUT OF THE AST, “ALL JOY IN EXISTENCE MAS CEASED; BUT IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN WORSE YOR 'M ABLE TO CURSE, WHICH 18 some CONSOLATION, AT LEAST." as the glanced around as if seeking some avenue of escape, Now” “One moment, doctor. Iam not sure T can stand the pain. Folks have died in the dentist's chair. Don't you think I would better wait until to-morrow?” “Madam,” sternly replied the dentist, as he But it will be all over in a second or two. winked at his assistant, “let me say that Iam giving goo trading-stamps to every woman who has a tooth pulled to-day, and the offer won't hold good to morrow! Therefore”— “Therefore go ahead'and pull it as quick as you can!” she said, as she leaned back and opened her mouth and shut her eyes—New York Tribux LIFE’S AUTOS. Every lassie has her laddie, So the old song goe Every paper has its hobby, ‘As the reader knows. Stories of delightful children, Lines on love and stars, Tales of ministers, for ladies, And—Life’s motor cars. First page, joke about an auto, Centre page the ssme; Millionaires in stranded autos Are Life's richest game. Auto jokes about elopements Drive the reader mad; So unto the end, resplendent, With an auto add! Heediess motormen are censured For their reckless speed; Tales are told of margled boslies, Yet we do not heed. And against the careless driver, Useless is the strife, For 'tis plain the fatal auto Is sustaining Life. Harvard Lampoon THE PRISONER'S ADVANTAGE. The man up for larceny had admitted his guilt when apprehended, but at the trial, the Green Bog says, his youthful counsel defended him with great obsticacy and unnecessary brillianey. “Gentlemen,” said the judge, regarding the jury with a benevolent smile, “the prisoner says he is guilty. His counsel says he is not. You must decide between them.” % Then, after an effective pause, the judge added, ‘There is one thing to remember, gentlemen. The prisoner was there and his counsel wasn't.” Lire is for sale by all Newsdealers in Great Britain. The International News Company, Bream’s Building, Chancery Lane, London, E. C., England, AGENTS WILSON WHISKEY That’s with All! Head Your New Year’s | Resolutions Evans’ Ale 119 Years Young Established 1860 150 Varieties ESTERBROOKS Steel Pens Sold Everywhere The Best Pens Made comicbooks.com