Life — September 15, 1904 — page 9: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

| JE IUE 18, G The Tale of the Auto-Car. (With apologies to Longfellow.) ‘T was a fine, new auto-<ar, I That whizzed along, 4 /a mode, And the chauffeur had taken a lady fair For company on the road. Red was its paint as a devil's coat, Its fixings were bright and clean, And the steam filled all the air behind With the smell of gasolene. ‘The chauffeur he sat by the steering year, His foot was on the gong, And he watched how the mud and pebbles flew As they madly bubbled on, Then up and spake the lady fair, As timid as could be, “I pray thee have a little care. You go too fast for me. | © Last night we killed but a single dog, To-night we've killed more than two.” The chauffeur he gave a clang on the gong, And faster and faster they flew, “ Be quiet! Be quiet! And do not be afraid, For I can drive the biggest car ‘That ever man has made.” O lady dear, “O Chauffeur, noise, Oh, say, what may it be 2” haps ‘tis the gasolene tank that leaks, Til have to get out and see.” hear a queer, strange T DO YOU MANE bY INTERFERING ING stovEMENT? with THe: * O Chauffeur, I hear the sound of guns, Oh, say, what may it be 2” “Tis a tire that bust on a rock in the MERI N MAGNATE: belong to the English nobility ? » Surror: women, and I’m dead-broke. What evi- dence can you give that you really Well, I have no respect for road,” And under his breath cursed he. “ O Chauffeur, I see a distant light, Oh, say, what may it be 2” But the chauffeur answered never a word, For under the car was he. Down on his knees, all oil and dirt, He worked at the punctured tire, His lantern gleamed through the thick, blue air, And his temper rose higher and higher. Then again o'er the dusty country road, ‘Through the gathering dark and gloom, Like a devil red, the auto flew Towards its fast approaching doom. The policemen were close upon her track, ‘As on and on she sp+d, And a whooping copper jumped on back And hit the chauffeur on the head. He hit where the chauffeur's leather cap Destroyed the force of the blow, And he made a grab for the heavy brake, Aad the auto ceased to go. 263 Her painted sides, all brown with dust, With grime and dirt on board, Like a great mud-pie, she stood in the road, * Ho, Ho,” the muckers roared. In the court-room, in the dreary dock, The chauffeur stood aghast At the awful fine he had to pay For driving his car too fast. Such was the tale of the auto-car, With the chauffeur and his bride, And they'll do it again, and pay their fines, For the sport of such a ride. * JS this really Heaven?” As she spoke, the lady, who had just been admitted, looked around her in considerable astonishment. “Why, this,” she continued, “looks very much like the suburban home I left. The streets are not even paved with gold, and everything seems commonplace.” St. Peter smiled. “ Reserve your decision, madam,” he said, ‘‘until you get settled. You will please take the third mansion to the right.”” The lady looked anxious. “ Have I got to keep house here?” she inquired. “Not at all. Everything is done for you. And not only that, but every cook who has, on earth, left you in the lurch will apply to you in turn and beg you for a place, and you will have the constant happiness of telling them all that you haven't the slightest use for them.”” ‘The lady bowed in acknowledgment of her error, as she swept on to her appointed place. “IT beg your pardon,” humbly. ‘I was mistaken. indeed Heaven.” she said This is Marked. ERKINS married the daughter of an ambulance surgeon, but P had to separate from her."” “What was the trouble?’’ “Why, every time he was under the weather, they treated him as if he was drunk.” comicbooks.com