Life — August 4, 1904 — page 3: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

COPYRIGHT FOR GRYAT BRITAIN. BY JAMES HENDERSON * UNOER THE ACT OF 1601. Was It Arson or Assault ? was not a large man, but he had the most elaborate and ambitious set of * whiskers that had been seen on Broadway in many a day. They were thick and curly, and afforded a complete ambush behind which the proud proprietor remained in hiding, and thus absolutely concealed his real appearance and his hopes. The wind was blowing almost a gale, and the man in front of him stopped to light a cigar. He drew from his pocket a small box contain- ing matches of the sort that defy wind, rain, hail, and lightning once they are ignited. Noth- ing can extinguish them after they start to burn until the fire consumes all of the chem- icals on the end of the tiny stick. And these chemicals are so liberally applied by the manu- facturers that each match resembles a tiny gong-beater. The man lighted his cigar and then threw the fusee away. As he threw it, the other man, he of the luxuriant whiskers, passed. The flaming torch, resembling a young comet and prepared to deal destruction as it traveled, landed in the wilderness of hair behind which - the other man was concealed. The whiskers caught fire and began burning fiercely. Fanned by the strong wind, the con- flagration spread rapidly in spite of the fact that the owner of the beard was pawing at his LIFE. face with both hands, and was yelling as only a man can yell whose property is on fire when he knows that he is carrying no insurance. The burning man danced and howled while the cause of the trouble looked on in amaze- ment. The air was filled with the odor of singed hair, and a crowd collected under the belief that there was a fire in a mattress fac- tery in the vicinity. A policeman ran up and elbowed his way through the crowd. In the meantime the fire had been extin- guished. But the beautiful whiskers had be- come history, and only smoking ruins marked their former site. The disfigured man, certain that he was out of danger of death, attacked the man who had thrown the match. The other prepared to defend himself, the policeman interfered, and both men” were dragged to the police station. There the matter was explained to the ser- geant. “I demand that you lock that man up,” said the man whose whiskers had been burned. “On what charge?” asked the sergeant. “He has apparently set your face spinach on fire. Do you want to accuse him of assault or arson?” “I refuse to be arrested,” said the other man. “Whiskers are not property. This guy will look better without hair on his face. His whiskers were foolish, anyway. He ought to give me a reward for burning ’em.” “Not property?” yelled the other. “Why aren’t they property? Didn’t I grow ’em? Why, I have spent eighteen years raising that beard, and now this man sets me on fire and I look like a singed cat. I will sue him for damages.” “See here,” said the sergeant, “you better compromise this affair. If you sue for dam- ages you will have to appear in court with the ruins of your wind-teasers marked ‘Exhibit A.’ Better get a smooth shave and let your wife see what you really look like.” “But who will pay for the shave?” asked the man as he rubbed his fingers over his face. “I will,” said the firebug. “I guess I am responsible to that extent. Anyway, I will hire a barber to run a lawn-mower over your face in order to satisfy my curiosity as to the per- sonal appearance of a man who wants to hide himself from the view of his neighbors.” As they departed in search of a barber shop the sergeant remarked to himself ; “I don’t think the man was’ guilty of either assault or arson.. I think the proper charge was mayhem.”—Collier’s Weekly. « wrt are the probabilities for to-mor- row?” “That the weatherman will again be wrong.” —Cleveland Plain Dealer. TUESDAY, AUGUST 2a THE MOHAWK, 3-year-olds WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 34 THE SPINAWAY, fillies 2 years old THURSDAY, AUGUST 4th THE ALABAMA, fillies 3 years old FRIDAY, AUGUST 5th OVERNIGHT EVENTS SATURDAY, AUGUST 6th THE SARATOGA SPECIAL, a-year-olds THE BEVERWYCK, q-year-olds and upward THE GREAT REPUBLIC, 3-year-olds and upward MONDAY, AUGUST 8th THE CATSKILL, 3-year-olds and upward TUESDAY, AUGUST oh THE TRAVERS, 3-year-olds SARATOGA SPRINGS, N. Y. Meeting Begins Monday, August 1st, and Ends Thursday, August 25th ORDER OF FIXED EVENTS-1904 WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 10th THE GRAND UNION HOTEL, 2-year-olds THURSDAY, AUGUST 11th THE DELAWARE, 3-year-olds and upward FRIDAY, AUGUST 12th THE TROY, 2-year-olds SATURDAY, AUGUST 13th THE HOPEFUL, 2-year-olds THE SARATOGA DERBY, 3-year-olds THE SHILLELAH, q-year-olds and upward MONDAY, AUGUST 15th THE KENTUCKY, fillies 2 years old TUESDAY, AUGUST 16 THE MERCHANTS! AND CITIZE! olds and upward WEDNESDAY, A““GUST 17th THE SENECA, 3-year-olds + syeare THURSDAY, AUGUST 18th THE ALBANY, ayear-olds FRIDAY, AUGUST 19th THE HURON, s-year-olds SATURDAY, AUGUST 20th THE UNITED STATES HOTEL, 2-year-olds THE SARATOGA CUP, 3-year-olds and upward THE NORTH AMERICAN, 4-year-olds and upward MONDAY, AUGUST 224 THE AMSTERDAM, 3-year-olds and upward TUESDAY, AUGUST 234 THE CHAMPLAIN, 3-yearolds and upward WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 24th THE ADIRONDACK, 2-year-olds THURSDAY, AUGUST 25th THE SARANAC, 3-year-olds FIRST RACE AT 2:15 EACH DAY F, R. HITCHCOCK, President ANDREW MILLER, Treasurer J. AGOSTINI, Secretary