Life, 1904-08-04 · page 17 of 36
Life — August 4, 1904 — page 17: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This page contains three distinct pieces of satirical content: **"Sonnets of Schooldays"** uses deliberately misspelled, phonetic verse to humorously depict a schoolboy's self-sacrifice—working chores to buy lemonade for a girl he loves, unaware she knows his hands blister from labor. **"He Stood the Test"** is a romantic comedy where a man proves his love through hyperbolic comparisons to contemporary figures and institutions: William Jennings Bryan's talkativeness, Carrie Nation's publicity-seeking, weak poet Alfred Austin, J.P. Morgan's railroad deals, the Beef Trust's greed, and Theodore Roosevelt's presidential ambitions. The woman accepts only when he compares his love to Roosevelt's desire for the presidency—the ultimate measure of intensity. **"The Reason"** is an allegory condemning censorship. An "Ugly Little Fact" (truth-telling) arrives in town and howls uncomfortable truths. Leading Citizens brutally silence it, justifying suppression not because it's false, but because it's "uncomplimentary"—criticizing the community. The satire attacks those who suppress inconvenient truths under the guise of defending against slander.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
Sonnets of Schooldays. SONNET OF THE SELF-DENIAL OF TRUE Love. FF shee noo how i wurkt to gett thate dime, How 1 wuz swetten neerle awl thee time i washt thee stepps ann polight thee frunt dore i wunder iff sheed luv me efhymoar Wenn shee is drinken lemmenade wich i hav bott fore hur, shee nose thatt itt wood bi fishlines ur topps ur marbuls wich i nede Butt no. i doo nott bi um. no indede. i onley think uv hur ann my grate luv ann wonder sumtimes wott sheez thinken uy. iff shee cood sea thee blissturs on mi hand frum raken launs O wood shee understand thatt evry time shee stopps ann starrts too draw Hur breth sheez drawen munney throo thee straw. O luv how eezy u maik us foargett thee way wee wurk wee blisstur ann wee swett Too gett a littul munney wenn wee pass a stand ware lemmenade is five a glas. Wenn ure gurl looks up att u offte sli ann sez O hennry doant itt maik u dri. Olu u area mitey mitey power wee wurk fore munney menney a weery our butt lett a gurl gett thursty ann itts gone befoar u hardlie say jack robison. thee millyunair spennds thowsands butt he nose thares lotts moar in his pokket wenn itt goze butt wenn i speand mi dime fore lemmenade itts awl ive gott. Butt lov is nott afrade Uv povverty, Ann evry breth shee draws bringgs happynes upp too me throo them straws. J. W. Foley. He Stood the Test. HE looked up at him with fondly ques- tioning eyes. ** How much do you love me?" she said. Her lover paused in doubt. Words failed him for the moment, Finally he spoke. “T love you," he said, ‘as much as Bryan loves to talk.” “That is a good deal,” “ But it is not enough."” ‘Then I love you as much as Carrie Nation likes to see her name in print.”” “Very good, but—"” “IT love you as much as Alfred Austin's poems are feeble."’ “ Splendid, but still not enough.” “*T love you as much as Pierpont Morgan loves a railroad combination, as the Beef Trust loves its profits, as the Theatrical Syndicate clings to rotten plays— “You are getting very warm,” she replied. He raised his head proudly. “T love y "he said, ‘tas much as Theodore wants to be President.” And she fell into his arms with a loud cry. “ My darling,” she exclaimed, ‘‘ your love is indeed the real thing.” Tom Masson. she replied. HANS ANTONY AND CLEOPATRA. The Reason. HERE was once an Ugly Little Fact that had no home. So he trotted along the highway, until he came to the Community where he belonged, when he sat down on his haunches in the Square and began to howl. And as the people hung over the fence in great numbers, looking at him, he howled more loudly than before, telling the truth about the Community in tones that penetrated to the remotest alley of the town. Then a Leading Citizen came forward with a large brick, remarking : “This will never do." And so saying, he landed the large brick neatly on the head of the Ugly Little Fact. And other Leading Citizens followed his example. “We do this,” they explained, ‘‘ not because you are true, but because youare Uncomplimentary, dnd should be treated as a Malicious Slander."" Grace Torrey.