Life, 1904-07-14 · page 30 of 44
Life — July 14, 1904 — page 30: what you’re looking at
What you’re looking at
This satirical piece mocks a dishonest child narrator who keeps a diary for monetary reward. The humor lies in the boy's petty swindling and moral flexibility: he manipulates playmates in marble trades, cheats his friend Georgie over railroad toll rights, tricks customers at his lemonade stand, and—most damningly—*boils the eggs* of his competitors' hens to sabotage their chances at winning a chicken-raising prize, ensuring he alone collects the promised dollar. The satire targets Gilded Age values: get-rich-quick schemes, competitive self-interest over friendship, and rationalization of dishonesty. The misspellings ("diry," "segar," "engen") reinforce the child's voice. The narrator sees no moral problem with his actions—he even justifies stealing eggs by referencing his Sunday school donation—exposing how capitalist ambition corrupts even youth. The joke is that this "fake boy" embodies very real American economic behavior.
📄 Transcribed text from this page (OCR, searchable)
Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.
64 The Fake Diary of a Fake Boy. By Jounnre D, PockeTreeLer. PRIL 1.—Brite and fair, I am going to begin a diry for my father told me he would give me ro cents if I would keep it up for a month and I would do anything for 10 cents. the boys on my streat dont keep dirys and I am going to have more money than they got. I live on Wal streat and the other boys on my streat is Jay p. Moregain Georgie Gold Rusty Age Handy Carnigan and Willie Vandalguilt. this morning me and Jay p. was playing marbles. I started out with 2 and I straped him and he had a segar box full. he was foolish to start out with so many. yesterday Rusty wanted to play me but he wanted to borrow 1 from me to start with and I said I guess not. I got all the marbles on our streat now and I am trading them for tops. toptime is in 2 weaks and marbles wont be any good then. me and Georgie Gold is going to build a ralerode in our back yard. Arrit 2.—Brite and fair. this morn- ing Georgie came over with his cars. he has got a engen a bagage car and 2 passenger cars. I didnt have any ears but I got his now. I wanted to call the rode the Pocketfecler short line and he wanted to call it the Gold rode, he got mad and said he would charge me a cent a trip for the use of the cars. I said all rite we made 60 trips and then I said I would charge him 2 cents a trip for the use of my yard and that he owed me 60 cents and I grabed the cars and he went home balling. the cars cost 75 cents. I guess he wont try to do me any more. Arrit 3.—Brite and fair. me and Willie Vandalguilt is keeping a store inhis barn, We sell cornsilk cigarets and downuts that his mother made for us and lemanade. he furnished the lemans and shugar and I furnished the water, this. morning Rusty Age came in our store and said how much is downuts, Isaid 1 cent a peace. he said I will give you 2 cents for 3. I said all rite. then he said how much is *LIPE« lemanade. I said 2 cents a glass. Well he said you just take back the downuts and I will take a glass of lemanade in- stead. he drunk the lemanade and started out and I said wheres your 2 cents for the lemanade and he said didnt the downuts that I give you back just come to the lemanade. and then I said you didnt pay me for the downuts, and he said course not am I going to pay you for them and let you keep them to. and then he went out. Never mind old Rusty I am going to fix you sometime, Aprit. 4.—Brite and fair. Willie Vandalguilts father give me and him and Jay p. each a settin hen and some eggs and told us he would give a prize of $r dollar to the boy that razed the most chickens, Aprit 5.—Brite and fair. are settin, ? our hens Aprit 6,—Brite and fair. our hens are still settin. Aprit 7.—Brite and fair. I bet I get the prize. this morning when Willie and Jay p. was at school I took the eggs that their hens was settin on and put them in some hot water for about. 5 minutes. I need that $1 dollar for last sunday in sunday school I give 3 cents to a free kindergartin way out west in shecawgo and that has got to be made up somehow. Aprit 8.—Brite and fair. our hens are still scttin, the other boys is making a place for their chickens when they hatch, I aint making a place for mine cause they wont have any chickens and I can have the coop they are making. Aprit 27.—Brite and fair. I aint wrote any in my diry cause I knew I was going to get that $1 dollar anyway and thats more than father was going to give me. I got 9 chickens from my hen and the other boys didnt get any. Willies father told them if they had taken as gocd care of their hens as I did of mine they would have done better. the boys is sore at me but they don't know why their eggs didnt hatch, Arrit 28.—Brite and fair. I made 5 more cents today. the boys tried to get me and Handy Carnigan into a fite yesterday, this morning I saw Handy and said at reces lets have a fite Copyriant, 1904, by Life Paslisding Co, “HERE'S TO THE BRIDE,” and if you will give me ro cents I will let you be a hero and lick me, Handy says all rite. how bad can I lick you will you let me paste you in both eyes for 10 cents. I said no but I will let you paste me in 1 eye fors cents. at reces we had a make believe fite and he gave me a shiner and I got 5 cents for it but I am glad I didn’t let him paste me in both eyes. Gentility. HERE a man does not know he has viscera, that is mere health. But where he knows he has viscera, yet resolutely thrusts them into the background, that is gentility. It takes three generations to make gentlefolk. In the first generation we get rich, and cat what we like, and all we can hold of it. In the second generation we discover our inner selves. In the third generation we still em- ploy the best doctors, but only for the sake of the social distinction. IRST AMERICAN CITIZEN: Did you lose any of your children on the Fourth? Seconp AmMerIcaN Citizen: Oh, no; nothing but an eye and a few fingers. comicbooks.com