Life — July 7, 1904 — page 23: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

full view of the village church, but too far away from the nearest hotel to do any real good. Nevertheless, I will, on persuasion, exchange it for a good horse. He need not necessarily have the full use of both eyes. One eye will doif he can see ten feet ahead of him on a dark night. Ido not ask that he be sound in every respect. Having tried a six- teen horse-power auto, I can get along with a tenth-power horse, if he can walk up a hill without taking a sudden freak to back down again at about a hundred miles an hour. I do not ask for a swell spark-plug horse. About allI need, in place of the electric, scrap- iron, red-painted, acetylene, gasoline, turbinated, fancy stock I have on hand at present, is a good, honest, plain, old plug that will go four or five miles an hour on a jog-trot, and get me home in time for dinner. Tom Masson, Sonnets of Schooldays. SONNET OF THE BEREAVEMENT, HEE wurld semes offte offle sadd too me becuz mi gurl is gone away u sea too vizzet with hur unkels fokes ann i woant sea hur fore a hole weak wich is wi, sumhow bur goen maiks a turble change about hur house. itt looks so stil ano strainge. ‘Thee blinds are shutt ann awl thee kurtens down with jusst thee gurl ann hird mann in town Too kepe thee burgglers owt ann thee frunt laun jusst hollers out sheez gone sheez gone sheez gone. i leened onthee frunt fense lass nite ann kride too think shee wuzent thare, ann thenn itride too chere upp butt mi fealings wuz too grate Ann turble sobbs jusst rattuld thee frunt gait. i wuz askairt sheed neavermoar kum back. sumway i thott thee trane runn off thee track ano kilt um awl, in mi dreems i cood sea hur layen dedd ann cawlen out too me. itt wuz so pittyfull ann isedd no itt is so dredful thatt itt cant be so, tooday we hadd fresh donuts such uz we ur offle fond uv ann i ett down three befoari thott uv her. ann thenn thee lite wennt out fore me, i losst mi appetight. A grate bigg lump roze rite upp in mi throte, i putt a cupple donuts inn mi kote soze i doant starv ann slolie wennt away. Sum uther boize wuz bizzey with thare play butt i jusst lookt at um ann thenn wennt on, How cood i think uv play wenn shee is gone. 7. W. Foley. 7S English as She Is Spoke. Tae following is prescribed as a test exercise in dictation for a new stenographer: ‘The wind blew, so Miss Ballou care- fully pinned on her hat with the blue bow, and at a leisurely gait went out to meet her beau, whom she greeted with a cool bow as he stood under the bough of the old apple tree at the gate. At their last meeting they had quar- relled over a garden and had quite a row. She wanted some rows of trees, preferably rose-trees. He differed with her, and she finally told him a row of shad roes would perhaps be more to his taste, “Lou,” she said, ‘tin lieu of the apology which is my just due, for you do owe me one, you certainly know—" “Oh, no!"’ he said. “You may take me for an hour orso in our boat,’’ she serenely continued, “until the dew falls, It has been sew, sew, all day, and I am so tired I would be willing to sue to a Sioux Indian for a row. Why, I am willing to ask you.” * “I think your manners a trifle askew,"’ he said, ‘but never mind. We will go for a sail." Then he spoke of the sale of a tract where they had mined for coal and for lead. ‘That led me to think I was on the track of a really good piece of land, and I simply gave my friends no peace, for I sought in every sort of way possible to secure it, but in vain.” He spoke in this vein for some little time, and as she saw he felt sore, for quite a while she tried every little wile she knew to divert his mind to a new subject, without avail. She said this world was a vale of tears, while she was wearing a veil full of tears, where it had caught on her hat pin, but she courted his usual reproof for a pun in vain. However, she finally won him to happier thoughts by one silly little rhyme about the hoar frost and the rime in the winter. He was interested when she proposed going to the Aqua- rium to see a sea-lion, a seal and a sea- eel, which she had read of lately. ‘Then a red bird flew by. They saw a gull reach deep down after a fish, and then watched him soar far up into the blue. She said the first was probably a feathered diva, while the latter was a “Tr MLOWS MARDER IN THE TOWN." “now po you Know?” “THE PARSON'S WIG JUST PASSED US" plain, ordinary, workad: 7 diver, who dived for his living. Divers sugges- tions of his that gulls are not divers she said were merely details, Just then a houseboat, that looked like an ark, approached in an arc that threatened pretty close quarters. They dared wait no longer, but started at once, for their weight made the boat sink low in the water, and lo! another glance showed the big one fearfully near. They made for the shore, and the maid jumped ashore, and amid cheers from several boats’ crews, they ended their cruise. She said: “I have escaped being the prey of the hungry waters, but pray take me no more. When we want to go higher up the river, we will hire a tug.” COL Rich. @ ie bright morning Jean and Jean- nette find a richly dressed baby in a basket on their doorstep. They weep and laugh by turns; laugh over their good luck, and weep to think of the wretched mother who has had to give up her child in order to keep her rooms in the apartment, “Ah, the unhappy rich !"" exclaim Jean and Jeannette, with cordial pity. comicbooks.com