Life — June 9, 1904 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

§72 Line, Limited. In my despair I sought the advice of three ladies who were intimate friends of friends of mine in Mars. Story was received with evident disbelief and with cold and frightened glances. No offers of assistance. Fripay: ‘RB Woman walked up steps in front of me, with her umbrella thrust through her arm at right angles. Ferrule putout my left eye. Am informed this is ny day a frequent occurrence.” Saturpay: ‘Asked a great publisher why the angelic ladies of fiction are so different from the ladies of fact. He explained that women form the great bulk of the reading public, and that they demand flattering portraits. P, S.—'tAm glad to return to Ma Mrs. Wilson Woodrow. Too Much. HE Man of the Future sat back at ease in his luxurious. armchair, his feet ed before him along the lines of least resi: At his elbow the outer world. keyboard that connected him with -LIFE- He touched a button, and through a gold-mounted trans- mitter was thrust his morning paper. He touched another, and a tray containing his breakfast rose before bim. It seemed an easy thing to do. He had but to lift his finger. A phonograph began calling off the opening of the stpc market. A piano attachment gave out the strains of the latest opera. Three friends in distant parts of the Empire bade him good morning, and communicated some piece of gossip in response to his inquiry He talked with the man- ager of his office, with his tailor, his airship maker, his architect. With him it was indeed a busy day. Finally his head sank back. He was overcome by the unusual exertion. He looked worried. His wife entered. “What is the matter, dear?" she said. thing all right?” “No,” replied the Man of the Future, testily. stand this pressure. I'v press these buttons for me. “Isn't every- “Tcan't simply got to have some one The Actorine. RSONS who appear on the stage, and perform, posture, wriggle, dance nd contort, for the pleasure, edification and speration of the audience, may be classi- fied and differentiated as pla actors, artists, yaps and actorines, according to the s of their heads, the area of their mouths, the strength of their lungs, the perfection of their shape, and the brilliancy of their brass. They are of all sexes, itions and degrees, except the actor: 2 is a lady, and indifferent to the fact. She makes her own degrees of latit ly audible ; her hats con- dissemination of tha conditions, and has n Her clothes are riot gest the cha only be Is of na ion ; her hair can viewed with blue glasses, except in the dark of the moon; and if her intimates are veracious. she hasthe digestiv pacity and equipment of the camel and a thirst fordry wines, fabricated east of Suez. Her clothes are made to be worn on the street, not the stage; when she appears on emulous to screen few of her charms. ctorine is not afraid of publicity ; that histrionically one press is worth two Shakespeares ; she loses her diamonds frequently and her opportunities never, and she is thrown from autos constantly, before gossiping witnesses, who be- boards she is tray her to the press. She is mar- ried and divorced twice a month; once a elopes week with Yale and Harvard freshmen; is pursued day and night by noblemen anxious to kidnap her, and she has had many tender affairs with emperors and_prize- fighters. Having the gift of conversation, united with an inability tosing, her genius runs to comic opera, where fundamentals, not accidentals, count ; she is alw: educated in a convent and intended for grand opera; frequently she has just inherited an enormous fortune from a heart-broken mining millionaire who has loved and lost her, and playwrights, poets and composers are madly competing to write the success of the age for her. She has a profound and tech- nical knowledge of soaps, pianos, salves, breakfast foods, corn cures and blood purifiers, which she commends and recommends over ber signature and under her portrait; and she claims to have been cured of spasms by Dr. Wigwap’s Winnebago Wart Wash. In August, she is coyly uncertain whether she will star under Burlesco, Krowman or Sal- vage; but by the time the frost begins to nip and the landlady is suggesting a settle- ment, the gay and lovely actorine has consented to be one of eight ladies, who figure on the bills as forty, who will re’ in one-night stands in the Oil Circuits as the Beautiful Barce- lona Blondes, un- der Ike Nickel- stein's | manage- ment. Joseph Smith, comicbooks.com