Life — June 11, 1903 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

MORE OMAR FOR LADIES. Alike to her who Dines both Loud and Long, Or her who Banting shuns the Dinner-gong. Some Doctor from bis Office chair will shout, “It makes no Difference—both of you are Wron, Why, all the Health-Reformers who discussed High Heels and Corsets learnedly are thrust Square-toed and Waistless forth; their Duds are scorned, And Venus might as well have been a Bust And fear not lest your Rheumatism seize The Joy of Life trom other people's Sprees; The Art will not have Perished—au cootraire, Posterity will practise It with Ease. Josephine Daskam, in June Harper's, Mrs. SaMVEL CLEMENS was Miss Olivia Lang- don. For some years before she met Mr. Clem she bad been confined to her bed with what was b Heved to be an incurable disease; but she was length miraculously restored to bealth. The cure was the sensation of Elmira, N. Y., and young Clemens, then a newspaper reporter, was sent there to interview Miss Langdon on her recovery He obtained the interview for his newspaper, and brought back impressions of more value to himself. Miss gdon’s parents were at first strongly opposed to the young newspaper man, and, for bis part, his timidity, so it is solemnly sald, stood the way of the progress of bis suit, But finally he screwed up courage to speak to Mr. Langdon, an one morning timidly entered his future father aw’s private office, where that man was seated at work “Mr, Langdon — have you —n tween—your daughter—and—me? No!” shouted the objecting parent, sharply around so as to get a full view of bis vis- tor. “Well.” said the young man, as he turned to the door ready for instant Might, “if you—keep—a— sharp—lookout—you—WILL !" New York Tritnne. iced ansthing —be- wheeling J. Lewis Donovan, who has charge of the iss ing of citizens’ papers in the office of United States Commissioner Shields in New York, tells queer stories of his dealings with men of different ions who want to become citizens. His p: is tried by the Italians. They some for cittzen's papers, and resort to all sorts of tricks to secure them. When they take the oath of allegiance before United States Commissioner Shields, all the formal questions require answers in the affirmative. This has simplified matters for their instructors. The candidates for citizenship. most of whom have not been in the country long enough to understand more than a word or two of English, are told to answer “yes” or “sure” to ery question put to them. Occasionally, however, when Commissioner Shields suspects that a candidate {s unworthy, be does not show it in his demeanor, but just changes the questions, Not long axo he asked a candidate: giance to the King of Do you renounce ai taly Sure,” answeret| the Italian Will you take up arms against our Presi- me the reply, with a promptneas note of sincerity indicating long practice. Will you trample upon the American flag?” 1 you sack and burn Washington?” “Sure.” “WIL you gloat over the nation’s ruin? “Sure.” At this point, when the candidate thought all was well, the commissioner sprang up and shouted : of here, you unworthy fellow,” which so ed the terrified Italian that he bolted for he door without attempting to find out just wherein he had failed to follow the leaders who had schooled him so carefalls,—New York Sun. Tite winter had been unusually severe, and the ¢ from which the ice company gathered its crop was frozen to a much greater depth than usual. “I suppose, Colonel,” remarked a citizen to the president of the company one cold morning, * that you won't charge us so much for our ice next sum- mer as you did last. You're getting a tremendous crop. “We may have to charge more,” stiy replied the president. “Think of the trouble and expense involved in cutting ice three feet thick !"—Youth’s Companion, Drink water and get typhoid. get tuberculosis. jams. t meat and Drink milk and Drink whisky and get the jim- soup and get Bright's disease. Eat encourage apoplexy. Eat oysters and acquire taxemia, Eat vegetables and weaken the system, Eat dessert and take to paresis. Smoke cigarettes and die early. Smoke cigars and get catarrh. Drink coffee and obtain nervous prostr: tion, Drink wine and get the gout. In order to be entirely healthy one must eat nothing, drick nothing, smoke nothing, and even before breathing one should see that the air ts properly sterilized — South-Western World. GEOMETRICAL BOARDING. A Kansas girl attending Vassar College sends the Journal the following excerpt from what the students of that Institution call “The Don Euclid." Definitions : 1. All boarding-houses are the same boarding. house. 2. Boarders in the same boarding-house and on the same flat are equal to one another. 3. A single room is that which hath no parts and no magnitude. 4. The landlady of the boarding-house {s a parallelogram—that {s, an oblong angular figure that cannot be described, and is equal to anything 5. A wrangle ts the disinclination to each other of two boarders that meet together but are not on the same floor. 6. All the otber rooms being taken, a single room is said to be a double room. Postulates and proposition 1. A ple may be produced any number of times, 2. The landlady may be reduced to her lowest terms by a series of propositions. 3. A bee-line may be made from any board- ing-house to any other boarding-house. 4. The clothes of a boarding-house bed, stvetched ever so far both ways, will not meet. 5. Any two meals at a boarding-house are together less than one square feed 6. On the same bill and on the same side of it there should not be two charges for the same thing 7. If there be two boarders on the same floor, and the amount of side of the one be equal to the amount of side of the other, and the wrangle be- tween the one boarder and the landlady be equal to the wrangle between the landlady and the other boarder, then shall the weekly bills of the two boarders be equal. For if not, let one bill be the greater, then the other bill Ix less than it might have been, which is absurd.—Kansas City Journal. Lire ts for saie hy all F. ©. 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