Life — February 19, 1903 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘LIPE« Peace With Honor. ‘]°HE Kaiser and John Bull were at table aboard the impe- rial yacht; the lack- eys and other nobility had re- tired to the pantries; and but for the Scotch and stogies they were alone. John’s face wore an expression of melancholy, almost righteous in- dignation, as he sipped a glass and murmured, “ Billy, this is all right; Scotch is great stuff.” ‘It’s the best substi- tute for laughing gas your island has invented,”’ said the Kaiser. ‘But let the Scotch go and get round to the Dago, to Castro and Venezuela. You're up to something, John, What's your game?" “Billy,” replied John with emotion, ‘‘you are quecring me; you are acting like a barbarian right in front of Sam’s house. Your conduct is an affront to Anglo-Saxon civilization and I can’t stand for it.” “ John,” said the Kaiser slowly, ‘‘ you have more nerve— off a battlefield—than any one I know. I bombard a measly fort and the Yankees kick, and at-once you get yellow and want to scuttle. Yesterday you were slaying Boers, murdering women and children, burning farms and destroying harvests, while our friend Sam supplied the mules, horses, canned grub and other agencies of civiliza- tion; and you call me a barbarian. John! You are the limit; Ananias and Peck- sniff were amateurs beside you.” “William, my child, when will you learn sense and business?" retorted Mr. Bull pityingly. “De- stroying little republics and annexing their golden territories are advancing Christian civilization; suc- cess sanctifies your work ; and a division of the profits engenders interna- tional sympathy. There is nothing in Castro now but a chance for a row with Sam ; since he is rich and belligerent trouble with him would be barbarous, Nothing is so shocking to Christian sentiment and enlightened civilization as going up against a big- fisted government, which may lick you and make you pay the bills. Every instinct of religion and kinship makes war with Sam abhorrent to me in 1903; in 1803 it was different; he was then in the Transvaal class and robbing him was pleasant and profitable.” “Tam beginning to understand," the Kaiser said feebly. “The virtue cf your warlike efforts increases with the weak- ness, helplessness and potential richness of the victim.” “Exactly,” answered John promptly. ‘The mailed hand for the weak, the mailed letter for the strong; hot shot for the small, hot air for the big. Observe Sam and me. Sam is strong and vain and easily buttered. I have no earthly rights in Alaska, but I need a slice of it for my fur-lined relations. I make a big claim by mail and preach kinship, peace and righteousness, and suggest arbitration. Sam gets mad, puzzled, and dazed ; but when his vanity is tickled, he consents, Always arbitrate, Billy, with the big ones. It costs nothing, and, right or wrong, you get some- thing. I couldn’t fight Sam, but I can give him hot air and swindle him ; he’s dead easy. Now, in Venezuela, we can get nothing but custom receipts, and there's nothing in them unless we make the Dagos use a bell punch. Ergo, Billy, we pull ont and settle for two dollars and fifty cents on the dollar—ont of regard for ourdear Samuel, Are you on? Civilization is vindicated, peace triumphs, Anglo- Saxon ideas to the fore, America fooled and delighted, you and I ahead of the game, and our reputation for fair play made. Billy, let us pull up stakes for Christianity, civilization and the unearned increment.” The Kaiser sat up, his imperial face suffused with pleas- ure and admiration, and he shouted joyously: “John, you're a wizard; it’s a go. Pass the chloro—the Scotch, and let us drink to Peace with Honor.” Joeeph Smith, Old Man Washington 1 TELL YoU, NEIGHBOR, THAT GEORGE OF MINE Ls PRECOCIOUS. JUST LOOK aT mim, A MERE CHILD, PRACTISING IN ADVANCE FOR CROSSING THE DELAWARE. comicbooks.com