Life — December 25, 1902 — page 70: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

TYPICAL AMERICAN SLANG, The following choice bit of slangy eloquenc spontaneous and sincere, is credited by the Chicago Chronicle to William Devery, ex-Superintendent of Police of New York City: “Some time ago," remarked “Big Bill" Devery recently in discussing the election, “I said that David B. Hill was @ political holdout man who wouldn't go into the game unless he could feel the marks on th hrough a pair of boxing gloves He had the cards marked this time, all right, but one night after he had been smoking political do; and was shaking hands with himself in the White House somebody stole the deck from under bis liver pad and changed the marks. “I ain't playing no searchligbts on myself a prophet, but Hill's finish was as plain to me all through this campaign as the Flatiron Bullding is to a man in front of the Fifth Avenue Hotel. He rung the bell at the front door of the morgue the day be passed me along in the convention at Sara- toga. After this bis address is ‘D. B. Hill, Dead- house, Compartment No, 13; Handle With Care.’ “Ever since he has been in politics Hill has held a red hand, consisting of four diamonds and a heart. The Democrats have thought all along that in Hill they were holding five diamonds. Some- times they have carried off a bluff with it and some- times they have stayed out and let the other fellows chip along, but this year they had to show their four-flush when Odell called them and the Repub- Ncans won with a pair of nines. “It's a funny thing.” Mr. Devery went on, “how a human refrigerator like Hill has been able to make people think he was a real live one for so many years. Ever shake hands with Hill? No? Ever go into a market on a cold morning and pick up a fish? Yes? Then you've shaken hands with Hin. “Up there in Saratoga I stood out on the plat- form and told Dave Hill that I demanded justice cards -LIFE- from him. I looked right at him when I said it Did he look at me? It ain't necessary to give the answer. He looked into Tom Grady's ear lke a boy looking into a picture machine. He couldn't look anybody in the face. “When I said you couldn't elect a bald-headed man President I spoke the truth, but I was talking particularly about a bald-headed man like Hill Whenever you see a man get bald in front first, so bis forebead looks like half of a football, it's a bad sign. And when you scramble that up with a pair of eyes that work like the pendulum on a clock, there's a combination to run around a corner and hide bebind a tree from “Of course Hill won't stand pat and admit that he lost. He is doing the old stunt—hollering fire from under the bed. When Bryan was ‘it’ in the Democratic party Hill got into bis cage up in Wol- fert’s Roost, locked the doors on the inside and the only time people knew he was alive was when they heard him snore This year he thought there was a chance to get busy. He gets bis ‘lam a Democrat’ sign out, puts some axle grease on his peanut cart and goes up and down the State telling people that he sets a better table at bls house than Ben Odell sets. 1 don't think anybody believed him at that. He looks like he lived on cracked Ice and olives. “The picture men will bave to revise Dave now. They'll have to put crape on bis peanut hat and hang a sign on him reading: ‘I am a load for a hearse.’ "—Exchange. “Wity did you insist on getting me an upper berth in the sleeping-car?” asked a severe and fretful lady of her young companion. “Well,” answered her irrepressible niece, “you have been expecting for so many years to find somebody under your bed that I thought it might relleve your mind to have all doubts on the subject removed for once.""—Washington Star. Ancunisior RvAaN, visiting a small parish Ina mining district for the purpose of administering confirmation, asked one nervous little girl what atrimony was, and she answered that it way “a state of terrible torment which those who enter it are compelled to undergo for a time to prepare them for a brighter and better world.” “No, no,” remonstrated the pastor; “that isa't matrimony; that’s the definition of purgatory.” “Leave her alone,” said the archbishop; “maybe she's right. What do you or I know about it?"— argonaut A CAROL OF KINGS. This is ye seasonne now for Kynges, Kynge Christmasse and Kynge Coal; And eache man Christmasse Carols syngs, And catches gaye and drolle. Thenne let Us syng, “Long live ye Kyngo! Ye beste Kynge that prevails, Ye kynge of all ye goode cigars— El Principe de Gales!" Ir May be stated for the comfort of American voters—if married—that an apostrophe of the fol- lowing size and style costs very little less in Eog- land than in the United States: A frankly unesthetic husband, on his return from a little vacation trip, was led into his London drawing-room, which had been freshly decorated and furnished during his absence by the house of Liberty & Co. He looked about, as bis wife bade him, at tho green and purple plush walls and furniture. “O Liberty, what crimes are committed in thy he murmured, feelingly.—Youth’s Com- name panion, Sypney Sati once wittlly remarked: "The British army ought never to leave England except in case of actual Invasion.""—Argonaut. THE HAYNES-APPERSON is the only automobile that has been consistently developed through ten years of successful experience on American roads. 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