Life — December 25, 1902 — page 50: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Peas LIFE Ales F€ Stalkey & Co. "THE firm of Stalkey & Co. consists of Rudyard Kipling, Henry Norman and a few inferior persons with large hats. Its business is keeping tabs on the world, though its specialty is the management and direction of the British Em- pire. Since Kipling’s illness—Boeritis of the liver,complicated by malum Yeomanopbobia the whole management of the vast empire has fallen on Henry Norman's shoulders, and he has a nervous time gagging Chamber. lain and tapping Cranborne. The American agency of Stalkey & Co. is in the hands of G. Wallapus Smalley and other naturalized British citizens. Henry Norman is an intellectual giant born during the last century; and ever since he was five years old he has been in ed in empire and literature, on which he bas kept a close eye. He speaks all modern languages and has a working knowledge of English ; he is a writer, journalist, traveler, investigator, arbitrator, mind reader and diplomat; wears number ten boots, thirteen collar, forty-seven hat, and smokes stogies. He is a specialist in crises and knows more emperors than Colonel Poultry Bigelow. He is regarded with awe in tbe British Empire, where it is believed he could stop any old war with one hand if he tried ; he has several times saved the British navy from annihilation ; he knocked out home rule in Ireland ; made Russia cough up the Chinese treaty ; and has umpired two cricket matches. He came to America to stop the Spanish war before it started ; and he has always felt that bad he tried when it was over he could have succeeded. His plans were spoiled by Mr. Kipling’s illness, upon whom he relied to write a Con- gressional ode that would have clinched things. He is a warm advocate of an Anglo-American alliance, by which America does the fighting and pays the bills, while the mother THIS IS ONE WAY. S lal Jim: 1 WEAR THAT YOU'VE BEEN PRETTY GAY IN YOUR YOUNG DAYS} YOU'VE BEEN 4 SLY DOO. country assumes the arduous task of annexing, governing and taxing the conquered territory. His views excite much en. thusiasm in England, though they are opposed by the Clan Na Gael and the Christian Scientists in America. Russia, with all ber might, trembles at the name of Henry Norman, who never relaxes his vigilance. He has always suspected the Czar since he began to encroach on England's divine right to conquer, annex, colonize and skin all black and tan races and lands with inferior civilizations and firearms ; and he is now fully awake to the depraved and unscrupulous character of the Russian Government, When Christmas is over and Mr. Kipling’s liver has been renovated, there are strong hopes that Mr. Norman may be induced to manage the reformed Baseball Syndicate during the summer, and give Major Pond every Monday and Friday during the winter, for a scries of lectures on familiar topics like ‘Constitutions I Have Changed,” ** Emperors I Have Employed,” Kings I Have Coached, Wars I Have Wilted.” Mr, Norman is a world power. Joseph Smith, MANY'S THE PIPTY DOLLARS YOU SPENT, AND YOUR FAMILY NEVER KNEW WINE AND WOMEN OM! YOU OLD Rascal, — comicbooks.com