Life — April 10, 1902 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“LIFE One Week. From the Diary of an Automoditist, M ONDAY.—Well, my new twelve-thou- - sand-dollar machine came to-day at It is forty horse-power, and a daisy. What a relief, after sitting around at the club and smoking cigarettes! I was really getting stale for want of an emotion. I couldn't wait to try it, so we started right out in the country for a spin. That chauffeur is all right! The gov- ernor ed him, but I'll bet the old man didn't suspect he was such a terror. He has no fear as reckless as the devil. Just what I want. Well, T'll outclass him in no time, although, of course, the first day it seems rather new and strange. We hadn't been out fifteen minutes, had only gone ten miles or so, when we ran plump into a farmer and his wagon! The chauffeur said it was just as well to make a test early in the game. The machine worked beautifully. There wasn't a thing left of the hayseed’s outfit and I think his leg was broken, but we didn’t stop. last. oy Tcrspay.—I couldn't wait to get up this morning. I could hear the auto snorting around and knew the chauffeur was ready, so 1 sprang out of bed right i goggles, and away we went. I made up my mind I'd master the old thing myself, so I grabbed hold and the chauffeur took a back seat. Well, maybe we didn't go! These fellows with horses look like thirty cents. But it’s sport to scare them half out of their wits. I like to tackle a fellow with some spirit to him, and if there's a woman in the same car- riage, so much the better. I steal up behind with a snort and rash past like a whirlwind, The woman screams, the horses plunge, and then they're off! Great! The chauffeur seemed quite proud, Suid he was glad he was employed by a man with such spirit. vapay.—Ran over four pedestrians this morning, and the never quivered! ‘That is what comes of getting the best. This is simply the finest sport yet. Some one told me the other day that I wasn’t the slightest use in the world except to take up But a fellow must have something in him when he can run an auto the Tecan. What a sensation to ip snort into any old thing without regard for the consequences, and know you can get away without being caught! I got Daisy Shudderton to go out with me this afternoon, and when we ran into a brougham and spilled out two invalids that were out for a constitutional, she y fainted. Asif there was the slightest danger! room. Tierspay. y goggles fell off to-day, and I came near being recognized. There ought to be a law compelling 7 people not to cross the street. Also another one making it an offense to ride in a carriage. Still, on second thought, that would rob us automobilists of half the fun. The gov- ernor says I'm too reckless, but I've got a bet on with the boys at the club. I bet a dinner to the crowd I could smash up more vehicles in a week than anyone there. And I'll do it! ‘Three more to-day! How mad they were! v.—Another child! That makes three this week. on the other two because it seemed too frivo- lous. But this one! Poor little devil! But I guess I'm getting squeamish, These little beggars do so getin the way. They dart out when you least expect it. Then there's a jolt and we're out of sight. Dida’t suppose I was capable of "t men such sensations as I've had this week. It's certainly glorious. Took the governor out this afternoon. He didn't like it. Gave me a lot of hot air about common decency and courtesy to others. As if this wasn’t all the rage and the most popular sport yet! Said Tought to know better. As if a fellow didn't have to have some amusement! While we were out we smashed into two old women. I didn’t mean to, as I was on my good behavior, but something slipped. The old man insisted on seeing them home and doing what he called the square thing, and spoiled the afternoon. Well, he’s paying for it. It’s his funeral. When a chap is as old as he is, he loses his nerve. Saturpay.—lIt's all over! I'm in bed for the Lord knows how long. Any numberof ribs broken and a leg fractured. Curse those goggles! That fellow did recognize me on Thursday, after all. And the deuce of it was, he had a machine of his own, and this morning he Jaid for me on the turnpike. The beggar didn't meet me face to face, but ran up behind me full tilt and just smashed right into me. I went up in the air about fifty feet, and when I came down, I came down hard, The fellow waited until I came to, and then muttered something about getting even, and was off, Wasn't that a mean trick? To sneak up behind a man. He couldn't have been a gentleman. But the governor has no feeling. He told me this afternoon he was d —d glad it happened. Tom Masson, A Dispute. «VV HAT was tho trouble at the prize fight?” “Why, they didn’t know what the rules wero— Marquis of Queensbery or United States Senate.” BITING OFP MORE THAN I CAN CuEW, comicbooks.com