Life — April 3, 1902 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

IN THE SENATE Put on my football noseguard; Encase my legs in greaves; Hook up my leather Jacket With chain-mall breast and sleeves; Dust oif my brazen helmet And rest ton my brow; 1 go to save my country— I'm fn the Senate now, ‘On, he who {sa statesman May not wear what he likes, Bring forth my shoes and shine them, And sharpen all their spikes. ‘Tho statesman 13.8 bronco That strenuously backs. First manicare my fingers ‘Then get my Iron koucks, Load up my seven-shooter, My trusty rife, too; I shail address tho Senate Upon the proper view To take of wicked warfare— How we should end all strife. Now fasten on my eyeshlelds, And whet my bowle knife, With slungshot tn my pocket, My specch shall not be vague, I'll orate to my colleagues About the tryst at Hague Which worked for peace as happy As that of babbling brooks— And any rash opponent Will sarely get the hooks. —Joth Wink in the Baltimore American. Some years ago a Philadelphia preacher {nsugurated tn his Sunday schoo! the practice of having the children quote some Scriptural text as they dropped their pennies into the contribation box. On the first Sunday tn question, & little shaver walked up and sald: “The Lord loveth @ cheerfal giver," and in dropped his penny, “Charity shall cover ® multitude of sins,"’ and in dropped the next. “It 1s more blessed to give than to recelve,” quoted the third, and so on. Just then, up walked a little fellow with the un- mistakable remnants of molasses candy op bis chubby face, and, as he dropped bis cent, he bawiled out: “A foot and bis money are soon parted."—Argonaut, STRAY REFERENCES FOR A DAILY NEWSPAPER PUB. LISHER, Abandoned—The character of our driveling contem- porary. Argument—Our editorial columns, Ass—The man who does not read our paper. Babble—The arguments of our driveling contem- porary Contemporary—A pirate who runs a rival newspaper, Printer—Tho man who manages the managing editor, News—The matter we print. Nonsense—The matter the other paper prints, Evil-Something for the reporters to write about. Reform —Something to increase circulation. Poetry Something that we do not need. Noney—Something that we do need. Contributor—Usually a high-school graduate. Correspondent — One who writes fiction from the seat of war. Saturday—Tho day when the bils come in. Subscription—The largest 1n the world (when it's oar own), Punctlon—Anything from # sboe-clerk’s ptenic to the launching of a battleship, Grand Opera —An annual exhibition of cveuing clothes. Polltics—A subject that always gots us excite: Boer—One we advocate to please our Irish subscriters, | Scandal—An ever-welcome evil. Competition—Something to keep the reporters busy, Editorial—An article written after # thing has bap pened, to tell how tt might have been prevented. Office Boy—A person who runs the paper when tbe city editor ts not in. Joke—A class of matter that 1s hard to write and mack more dificult to read.— News Letter. Is one of the pabiic schools recently, a number of the ‘small pupils were busily engaged in working problems in multiplication, with more or less satisfactory results : After some time the teacher noticed one little fetiow who seemed most unhappy. His cheeks were flushed, bis hair tumbled, aud tears wero very near the surface. Tee teacher sald, ina kindly tone : «Well, John, what ts the matter? "* “Oh, dear, I wish I was a rabbit "replied the tos, “A rabbit!" exclatmed the teacher, tn astonishment, “Why on earth would you Ike to be a rabbit?” “Well, my papa says they multiply no fas —The Gentleman's Ma: azire. Ta pavic in the diamond market ls growing worse lo- stead of better. It ts now almost Impossible to get No. 2 whites in cartoad lots ; No, 1 blues can be obtained oals ta bushel lots ; and No. 1 straws are no longer quoted, except by the peck.—Chicago Tribune. For alo by all Newsdealers in Great Britain. The Inter national News Company, Bream's Building, Chancery Lane, London, E. C. England, AGENTS. EUROPEAN AGENTS—Mesare. Brentano, 37 Avenue del'Opera, Paria, Established 1823. WILSON WHISKEY. That’s All! THE WILSON DISTILLING CO., Baltimore, Md. The Best Stimulant When worn out or run down is found in Hunter Baltimore Rye The Finest Type of The Purest Whiskey It is particularly recommended to women because of its age and excellence Wx. Lananan & Son, Baltimore, Md. Morton Trust Company 38 NASSAU STREET, NEW YORK Capital, - - + $2,000,000 Surplus and Undivided Profits, $4,500,000 OFFICERS: LEVI P, MORTON, President THOMAS P. RYAN, Vice-President JAMES K. CORBIERE, 24 Vico-Prest. H. M, PRANCIS, Secretary EUGENE E. VARET, Asst. Secretary G. L, WILMERDING, Asst. Secretary H. B, BERRY, Trust Officer EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE Levi P. Morton Joseph C. Hendrix Thomas F. Ryan James N. Jarvie Edward J. Berwind George Foster Peabody G. G. Haven Jacob HL. Sebitt William C. Whitney Dress Goods. Silk and Wool Crépes, Voile Chiffons, Fleur do Veloure, Crépe da Nord Soie, Nuns Veilings, English Mohairs, Scotch’ Homespuns, Cheviot Suitings, Printed Challies, Embroidered Robes. Crépe de Chine and Veiling Gowns for Southern Resorts and Early Spring Wear, Rroadvay K 196 st. NEW YORK. DEALERS In, Redmond, ( ner’save Kerr &Co. INVESTMENT SECURITIES. BANKERS, 41 WALL S' Y. Members N.Y. Stock Exchange, Available Over the World. VISITING CARDS IN THREE DAYS. This time only will be required after March rstfor the executing of orders for visiting cards, and five daysfor orders which require engraving of a plate. DEPARTMENT OF STATIONERY DODD, MEAD & COMPANY, Fifth Ave. and Thiny-fifth St., New York City Issue Travellers” Letters of Credit New York to Buffalo, via New York Central—Finest One-Day Railroad Ride in the World, comicbooks.com