Life — February 6, 1902 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

‘LIP E* The Baby. EW BABY weighs from five to ten pounds, and after the first week or ten days, if normal, gains one-half a poundaweek, It is not usual rit to have any hair on its head, but if it does, this re- sembles the back of a blonde caterpillar that has had hard luck. Its head is abnormally large compared with the size of its body, which gives it a grotesque appearance. Its eyes, always blue in color, are expressionless, and as they ean- not be focused on any object for some weeks, are meaningless to the observer. It has practically no nose, but what might not inaptly be termed only a malformation of that useful appendage. Its mouth is very large, and when wide open (which is not infrequent) extends to both ears. It displays no signs of intelligence up to two or three months, the false smile on its face, fulness, being only the pathologi symbol of colic. It reveals but one instinct —the lowest in the scale—that of hunger, and its ery is discordant and without any vibration of intelli ‘The only known superiority eo it has to its owner is in the extreme flexibility of the upper, and the lower or ungular phalanges of the feet, inherited from its an- thropoid ancestor. Y T this little animal, the cause of sleepless nights and long vigils, of doctors’ visits, of financial distress, and a source of almost endless anxiety, with nothing to recommend it to our sense of beauty or our intellectual sympathies, is the fond object of the adoration of millions. Tt seems absurd. And so easy is it to show how unreasonable is the love of the average parents for their babies, that I feel almost like apologizing for even briefly indicating their strange inconsistencies. ‘The only argument, of course, that could possibly be advanced by the joint owners of a baby is that it appeals to their imagina- tion, In itself it not only has no claims upon our admiration, but if it were possible to reduce it to the size of a beetle, and then examine it under a magnifying glass, it would not begin to compare in beauty and interest with that other complex being. But because of its possibilities, the parents render up their And what are these possibilities ? Washington, there have been twenty-four Presidents. During this interval, how many millions of American babies have been born, and what was the chance of each to become a President or a lady of the White House? But in these astronomical figures it is not necessary to be exact. Throw in all the mem! of the Cabinet and their wives. Add a proportion of Senators (not Congressmen, however, for the sense of public duty is too strong ever to permit a parent to wish his offspring to be a Congressman), put in what millionaires and retired heroes there ar and even then the chance of the average baby to ac is so remote as practically not to count. ° . . d have been, distinction ° ° ° T would seem as if imagination should not be dragged in to do duty in acase like this, if parents will but look around them at the evidence presented on every side. Here is Jones, clerking in a hardware store at twelve dollars a week—where he will probably end his days—yet, doubtless he was once a Presidential possibility. Here is Miss Robinson, the third lady to the left in the comic opera chorus, once the darling of her mother's eyes—a future duchess. How many toboggans there are—from the cradle to the A baby is a being endowed with all the preponderating possibili- ties of mediocrity. If a boy, he will probably make more trouble than he is worth, His tendency will be to go from one extreme to the other; there is always the possibility that he will be away nights while the gas is burning superfluously in the front hall, smoke cigarettes, gamble, drink, acquire creditors, be a yellow journalist, Jand in jail, or, what is perhaps as bad in the long run, develop Y. M.C. A. tendencies.’ Ifa girl, she may become an authoress, marry a poor stick, go on the stage, or be an old maid full of whim-whams. And if either, there are whooping cough, measles, diphtheria, smallpox and w The increasing number of operations for appendicitis is alone enough to make the baby quail, could he know the future, not in stor ° e . [HE woman of society is apparently the only one who has solved this problem. With her powerful brain, so highly developed by constant afternoon teas, lawn parties, sociables, dinners and other functions, where she has the benefit of the intellectual stimulus of her own set, she undoubtedly perceives the truth, Should she be afflicted with such an incongruous and undesirable thing as a baby, it is promptly turned over to salaried functionaries, thus enabling her undisturbed to pursue her high ideals. Tom Masson, To Be Consistent. «¢7 SHOULD think the British would welcome a war with Russia and the prospect of getting whipped.” “Why so?” ** Well, they believe it is such an excellent thing for one nation to be subjugated by another.”’ “SANTA MARIA! 1 PEAR MY HAT IS NOT ON STRAIGHT.” comicbooks.com