Life — December 2, 1901 — page 20: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

A Wasted Effort. “FE TOW glad I am that you are alone Wiggleton stood on the thresh- =] old of his wife’s room, and then advanced rapidly to the centre, where he assumed as ' easy and graceful an attitude | as his slightly corpulent figure * allowed, “Tm just fall of my sub- ject,’ he said, * and now is just the time to rehearse it to you. You know I am to speak to- night at the Rag Time Association dinner, and I want to make a hit. Just give me your candid, unbiased opinion of this, He pulled a chair over in front of the centre table, sat down for a moment, and then rose slowly and steadily, with a sickly smile on his otherw handsome countenance, while he rested the tips of his fingers on the edge of the table, and began thus: “Gentlemen! It affords me the greatest pleasure to be among you this evening, and as I look around me upon this gorgeous scene— *" Mrs. Wiggleton held up her hand and burst into laughter. ‘LIFE + Marjorie’s Choice. MArorie stole to my study And whispered low in my ear, “['d like to select my present Can't I, dear? To make me perfectly happy This Christmas. There's but one thing I lack, So to-morrow I'd like you to give me Permission to marry Jack.” I've often invested at Christmas In diamonds and pictures galore, But never a single present Was half so dear before ; More than the rarest jewels This cost me, I confess, Though ‘twas only a scrap of paper On which I had written “ Yes.” Dixre Wolcott. “That's awfal!’’ she “ How conscious you are ! a commonplace beginning ! what every one says.”” Wiggleton grew slightly red. “That, my dear,’’ he remarked, “is where you are all wrong. It is always well to begin in a conventional way. It makes a good background for the sparkles of wit that follow, and as for my being conscious, that only seems 50 to you at present.. Here, of course, I have no setting ; but under the count- less gas lights, in the midst of eager listeners, after a good dinner, it will be altogether different. I'll tell you how to makea speech. First, you must be fall of your subject. Then you must be confident of yourself. Then——”’ “Bat I'm not going to make a speech,” said Mrs. Wiggleton. ‘I don’t want to take lessons. It is you who want my opinion, Pray go on.”” Wiggleton frowned slightly, and then, gathering himself together, con- tinued where he had left off, his face a trifle more solemn : “As I look around me on this gor- geous scene, I am reminded of what once happened to me when I was a boy. My father—” “Haven't I heard that story before?” queried Mrs. Wiggleton. exclaimed. And what That's “« What if you have?’ retorted her husband. ‘I guess you can stand it again. It’s a good story, isn’t it?” “ Well, I never thought much of it,”’ said his wife. “ You never did !”’ roared Wiggleton, now fairly beside himself. ‘Of course you didn’t. Why should I have been such a consummate ass as to expect you would have the remotest idea or appre- ciation of genuine oratory?” And as he turned and strode out of the room he muttered fiercely to himself : “This is what comes of marrying beneath me!" Eligible. HEN he asked her would she be his wife, she laughed merrily. ** Why, you are old enough to be my father !"’ protested she. “ But rich enough, also!" he urged, with the quiet dignity of conscious worth. M® GOLDSTEIN, holding his face, rushed into a dentist's office one evening crying, ‘‘How much to take it out? How much to take it out?” “A dollar with gas and fifty cents without.” “Then I'll wait and have it done by daylight.”