Life — December 2, 1901 — page 18: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“NONE BUT THE BRAVE DESERVES THE Pain.” Young Porkey: owt wv 1 oxty pane To PUT MY ARM ‘ROUND UER watst! Doubtful. FLE:, Motter myself to you for a Christmas present, if I thought you'd take me, Sue: I'm afraid I'd have trouble in exchanging you. Buying an Automobile. J is important, in buying an auto- mobile, to get the right one. Some machines carry you horizontally, and others perpendicularly. Whole fami- lies have risen rapidly through the use of automobiles, but have then been obliged to live a too sedentary life. So it behooves us to be careful in our choice, This article is intended to supply just the right kind of informa- tion, Automobiles are roughly divided into three classes—electric, gasoline and steam, Those who have gout should avoid the electric machine, as a steady walk back home of thirty miles i good for gout. The gasoline i the best for some purposes. No one ever gets hungry when he is riding in a gasoline automobile. At the first signs of an appetite, stand to leeward of the machine for a few moments, and. your appetite is gone. This makes it economical. The steam has some advantages over the others. It can be taken upa hill by three able-bodied men much easier Those who contemplate carrying machine over the Alps or Rockies should by all mea machine. Before purchasing your automobile, ns get the steam ‘LIFE * you should go either to the School of Mines, the Stevens Institute or the Boston Iustitute of Technology. After four years or so in mechanics, survey- ing, civil engineering and hydrostatics, you will have a firmer grasp on your subject. Then when your machine breaks down forty miles from a grocery store and a lemon, you will know what is the matter with it. To be able, in uous scientific language, to ex- plain just how it happened, will please the guests you have brought along, while you are all waiting for horses from the nearest livery stable. In case, however, you are in a hurry and wish to get into the right society sooner, get a chauffeur. A good chanf- feur can easily be obtained in this country through an agency, but do not do this. Get a Frenchman who does not understand English. Then, when your machine breaks down, and he is spending valuable timo in put- ting it so much more out of order that it will never work again, you can sit on a neighboring fence and swear at him in a tongue he does not understand. One word in conclusion, Get an automobile that will hold only two. At tho end of six months it can then be used by your wife and the chauffeur, while you stay at home and are glad that you are still alive. A New Definition for Introduction. A TEACHER who 4% had been ex- plaining the word in- troduction to a class f the down- town public sel in one wishing to see if explanation understood “Now, if a friend came to call on your mother, and then an- other visitor what would first thing mother would d A hand was ntised instant- came, be the your “Well, tell us?” “Yes, ma'am. — Send out for a fresh pint ot beer.” Mary, can you His Wife. SosBuow I never seem to mind the OO men— . They look a minute, then they look away— But it’s the women that I mind most ; they Whisper and lift their eyes and stare again, And I stare back as though I didn’t care, Care, while my throat chokes and my eyes are dim. It's not for me, but oh, to think they dare To laugh at Jim—my Jim. Perhaps I shouldn't mind—I ought to be Used to their seers and grins by now, God knows, And yet—how this train stops and backs and slows And waits for more to look at him, and me. “Only a little glass or two,” he said. Oh, my poor boy, how gay he looked and trim! I used to think I'd rather see him—dead, Bat oh, it’s Jim, my Jim. I wonder if those staring women think Tenvy them their husbands sitting there Prim and sedate! The fools, I'd rather bear With everything, the pain, the shame, the drink, And be his wife, hix wife to help him so, His wife to love him and to comfort him. How proud [used to be, how proud, and oh, To think it's Jim—my Jim. Theodosia Garrison, JFFORGIVENESS is the revenge of ~~ the indifferent. Mr, Firefly: WISH 1 MAD NEVER TAKEN THIS LIGHTHOUSE. THE SHIPS AME GETTING TOO FAMILIAR.