Life — January 10, 1901 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

“DlIRIE= statibus quibus ante. Many names were suggested, but Waldersee telephoned the Council, “Send Squeelman.” I am devoid of prejudices ; no man can have them and attain my position; and I have always maintained that Waldersee has his lucid intervals, and his designation of myself for this important mission confirms my opinion and shows that he can rise to an occasion. He knows that I think fluently in many languages, and that my Chinese is the admiration and despair of every east-side laundry. Hence my presence here. I arrived with an escort of Tongs—men who had fearlessly faced Tammany cops in Pell Street in the past—and I sent in my card to the Empress, whom I found studying a cook-book of Confucian receipts. I know the volume and it gave me an opening, for my apt comments upon its elevated thought and literary excellence confirmed Her Majesty's high estimate of my character. Her Majesty is a woman of strong mind, fluent speech, and a passionate distaste for reform within the party. She is a widow, with a widow's love for a second husband, a man to boss. Therein lies the kernel of the Chinese trouble. In her simple, unaffected way she told me her hopes and disappointments. She wants a husband, a plain, hard- working man, handy around the house, sober, industrious, and a consistent Confucian, or one willing to become a con- ent Confucian ; but no Chinese need apply. She wanted a foreigner; but the jealousies of the Great Powers, each anxious to furnish a man and prevent some other man, have thwarted the lady for years. It was not a question of concessions, open ports, spheres of influence, or mission- it was just a plain widow looking for plain Number Two. That’s the whole thing; the Empress told me so. Fornish the husband, and the Boxers dissolve, the armies vanish, and peace will smile in the Orient. Fortunately I went armed with photographs of America’s great public men, and suggested an American husband as a solution of the problem of international jealousies. She wavered foran hour between Depew and Pettigrew, and finally settled down on the stalwart, whiskered Dakotan. If the Administration will restrain its partisan fury, if Senator Pettigrew will start at once for the Flowery Land, the Chinese question is settled, and American dominance in the Orient is fixed. I'll admit the Empress threw out hints to me, but the lady and her tastes are too mature for my impulsive nature, and my life’s work lies in other ways. I have given the world a practical solution of a burning question. Will it grasp it? My conscience is clear ; my duty is done. I will leave China next week, when I shall rebuke the Great Powers, as I have promised. Rudyard Davis Squeelman. M ISS SPORTY : = proposal, Miss Freckies: And yet you accepted him. + What else could Ido? He had me counted out before I recovered.” I was completely stunned by his Mamma Bug: ax 80N, DIDN'T 1 TELL YOU TO KEEP DOWN PROM THEAE THORN-APTLE TREES? us-D1y- B comicbooks.com