Life — December 6, 1900 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

Tur. Sterting (Ill) Standard makes the following try for An alleged oifer of one thousand dollars for the best rhyme for Michigan : 1 knew # young lady from Michigan To meet her I never should wichigan. She'd eat of Ice cream ‘TU with patn she would scream, And she'd order another big dichtgu — Exchange. “My husband always eats extravagant lunches down town.” “How do you know? “The minute he gets home tn the evening te begins try- Ing to diet the family." — Chicago Record. “JouNI” whispered the good woman in the dead of night, “there are burglars downstairs.” “You go down, dear,” replied John, sleeptly. wouldn't dare strike a woman. “They — Philadetphts Press, “To most people a savage nation fs wan that doesn’t wear rof*rtable clothes * ** Play actors orators an’ women ar-re a class be thimsilve “No man was iver so low as to have rayspict fr his brother-in-law." * A vote on th’ tallysheet is worth two in the bo; “I care not who rakes th’ laws iva nation if Ican get out an {injunction “It takes a sthrong man to be mean, that has th’ courage not to be gin'rous, not because I want to but because I'm afra ww what th waiter'll think, Rnssell Sage is wan iv Nature's Nobleme “Thrust iverybody—bat cat th* ea-arda, Mr. Dooley is to be congratulated on the fact that his wit {saa fresh and quaint as ever, —From Mr. Dooley's Philosophy (R. Hs Russell.) ’ A mean man is wan Whin I give a tip ‘tis Derixa last Thanksgiving week, poultryman of the Northwest sent several barrels of fat, dressed turkeys to a certain commission merchant, who 1s an extremely * close buyer,” and never falls when he recetves a consignment to claim an allowance for something alleged to have spoiled on the way. Heretofore he had dealt exclusively tu live fowls, And probably the correspondence clerk got things mixed. At ‘any rate, the shipper was astonished to receive # letter by return mail, running aboat as follows : “Dean Sik: We regret to advise you that four of the turkeys in your consigninent of November reached bere dead, Please make deduction for same, and return correct amount. Yours ¢raly.”* The poultryman communed with himself and repited thus: “Dean Sin: [ am sorry to say I find tt impossible to make concession requested. 1 have established a rule re- quiring all customers who destce live dressed turkeys to notify us in advange, so we can send them in heated cars Turkeys without feathers and insides are Hable to catch cold if shipped in the ordinary manner. The mortality among dressed turkeys was very large this year. Yours mournfally."* — Argonaut, Tuk late General John M. Palmer used to enjoy telling of heing mistaken for a person of greater dignity than the President of the United States. “When [ was Military Governor of Kentucky,” sald he, “a disturbance occurred in some town In the tntertor. 1 was ata distance, but was needed at the scene. There was no train, no carrlage,no buggy to be got. The only vehicle available was a big gilded circus chartot left by some stranded show company. I didn't ike tt, but there was nothing else todo, so I got tn, You may tmagine [cut a great dash as I drove through @ small town. People turned out in droves to see me pass, When I left the town tebind me and reached the plantations, the negroes saw me aud stared with open mouths. They followed me at a respectfa! distance, until presently they were Jotned by an old, white hatred preacher, who, on sceing me tn my magniticess chariot, raised his eyes and bis arms on bigh, and, tn 4 voice that stirred all within hearing, cried : “«Bress de Lord, de day of Judgment am cum, an’ ay gemman am de Angel Gabriel bisself. Bredren, down oe yo" knees an’ pray, fo* yo" hour am hyar {*** — Chicago Chronicle. Tue girl was very rich, and the young man Was poor, bet honest. She liked him, but that was all, and he koew tt One night he had been a litte more tender than usual. « You are very rich,” be ventured, “Yes,” she replied frankly, “1 am worth one miliioa two bundred and fifty thousand dollars,” “And [am poor,” Will you marry me?” “No. “Lthought you wouldn't.” «Then why did you ask me? “Oh, Justto see how a tran feels when he loses coe million two hundred and fifty thousand dollars. —Stray S‘or e. “You don't seem to be very sorry about It,” remarked the Brooklyn citizen after the trolley accident. “No, Taln’t as nervous as I was,” replied the motormaa; “this ts my third to-day." “Your third victim? Great Heavens “ Yes ; the second one made me nervous, but there's lock 4n odd numbers, you know." — Philadelphia Record. For sale by all Newsdoalers in Great Britain. The Inter- ews Company, Bream’s Building, Chancery Lane, national London, ingland, AGENTS. EUROPRAN AGENTS—Messra. Brentano, 37 Avenue de l'Opera, Paris, Established 1823. WILSON WHISKEY. That’s All! THE WILSON DISTILLING CO., Baltimore, Md, -Life’s Gibson Dinner Cards. 25 Subjects, Mostly Single Figures, from Charles Dana Gibson's Cartoons, =| $3.75 the Set of 25. 15 Cents Each. To be had of the book and art dealers, or sent, carriage prepaid, on receipt of — | price by LIFE PUBLISHING COMPANY, 19 West Thirty-First Street. New York City, Works, Camden, 5.1, FSrererooxs 150 Varieties. For Sale by all Stationers, STEEL PENS Corsa All styles to suit the finest or the! boldest hand. THE ESTERBROOK STEEL PEN CO. 26 Jota st, tev tet. RICHARDS OTHO CUSHING AND OTHE own to the typographic a and letter stapdard. ™ CHRISTMAS « NUMBER Artistic and Humorous AN EFFECTIVE CARTOON By C. D. GIBSON DRAWINGS BY WM.H. WALKER T.K.HANNA;Jn. A.D. BLASHFIELD E. W. KEMBLE | F. W. READ Printed on heavy paper in the best style press up to “LIFES” LIFE’ OF A_ COVER DESIGN By MAXFIELD PARRISH Artistically Lithographed fu Colors and Goll A DELIGHTFUL SERIES OF SIX DRAWINGS By C. ALLAN GILBERT ENTITLED “THE FIVE SENSES” A Christmas Extravaganza STORIES, VERSE, ETC., by MARGUERITE MERINGTON | MARTIN TOM M METCALF ZODOSIA PICKERING GARRISON AND OTHERS Both pictures Real PRICE, 25 CENTS ON ALL NEWS STANDS “Defender of the Rails—The New York Central.”—Utica Herald. comicbooks.com