Life — September 20, 1900 — page 5: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

a sic Life’s Ticket. For Presi Fon Vice-PResiDENT, W. W. ASTOR. L. H. CHANG. NCE the announcement of Lire’s ticket, a general air of security has been apparent throughout the land. ‘The terrible doubt attached to the election, either of McKinley or Bryan, has given place to a widespread sense of relief over the strong probability that our candidates wifl be the next rulers of the nation, All those noble qualities, of which W. W. has displayed so many evidences in the past, are now gratefully recalled to mind. Immediately upon his election, President Astor will abolish the hated canteen system, aud thereafter every soldier will be provided with a copy of the Pall Mall Gazette to read when he is thirsty. Nothing but the special brand of ginger ale recommended by the W. C. T. U. will be permitted on the White House table. We shall leave naught wndone tw secure the support of every hysterical female crank in the country. Commonplace, ordinary candidates are accustomed to conceal their motives and future plans under a prenatal cloud of glittering generalities. Not so Astor and Chang. They want everyone to know just what is going to happen, and who will be associated with them in the tintinnabulation of our political institutions. It is true that, as a class, the men who will be selected by McKinley and Bryan are all fairly well known beforehand. But we go further, and take pleasure in announcing definitely just who will make up the Cabinet of Astor and Chang. ‘There is no more important or influential post than that of Secretary of State. Our diplomatic relations need to be handled not only. with diplomacy and delicacy and armor-protected boxing gloves, but with that tender regard for Anglo-Saxon traditions, with that stern attention to future conquest, which our people, liberty loving as they are, demand. ‘This important post will be filled by Joseph Chamberlain, who will attend to our affairs after hours, when British interests have been taken care of. Thus he can kill two birds with one stone. For Secretary of Agriculture, we shall have Commodore Schley, who, perhaps, knows more about farming than he does about salt water, and can be trusted to issue a complete volume each week at the expense of the Government, containing his portrait and other interesting trivialities, which the people love to sit up nights over when they are contained in Government agricultural publication ery responsible office at the present time is that of Se of War. His large experience in handling masses of men, hi tempt for individual life and comfort, scenes of carnage being to him merely a matter of business, make IH. H. Vreeland, President of the Metropolitan Street Railway, pre-eminently the man for this place. . ‘There may be better men than Jno. P. Altgeld for Secretary of the Navy, but if there are, Live has never heard of them. Just -LIFE- 225 such an element as is needed to strengthen the Government at critical points Governor Altgeld represents, and his well-known ‘ social’ instincts will make him immensely popular. He will be assisted by Eugene V. Debs. What more could be desired? ‘The post of Secretary of the Treasury has long been the subject of prayerful consideration on the part of our Presidents. In the present case a man was needed, whose character was open to no question and whose knowledge of all the intricacies of finance would insure that complete confidence so necessary from all citizens. Who better represents these ideals than Richard Croker? For Secretary of the Interior, certainly no one could be more desirable than Chauncey M. Depew. Mr. Depew will spend all the time he has, which is not occupied in writing for the World and speaking confidentially to the Senate, in filling this important place, and will make regular trips to London to consult with the Prince of Wales. But Astor and Chang propose to go further than this. Anew Cabinet office will be created, one which will fill a long-felt want. Under Astor and Chang there will be a Sceretary of Pensions. Former administrations, in their half-hearted way, have distributed only about one-quarter of the total revenue of the country to that noble band of martyrs, the Glorious Grand Army of the Republic. But all this will be changed. “All the cash that comes in will be henceforth turned over to the pensioners. There is nothing mean about Astor and Chang. It must not be supposed, however, that any laxity of distribution will be permitted. Pensioners under the new rule will be rigidly divided into the following classes : 1. Those who caught cold during the late war. 2. Those who said they did. 3. The wives, daughters, sons-in-law, grandchildren and first nephews, once removed, of the same. 4. Those who are now suffering from financial embarrassment, temporary or otherwise, loss of sleep, reading the magazines, taxes, decrease of income, swelled head, or loss of conscience contracted during or since the late war. For the Secretaryship of Pensions, Mrs. Lease, of Kansas, will be an ideal candidate, exhibiting, as she does, all the qualities of caution, reserve and lofty appreciation of the country’s best interests. PA WS eae BAS 2A. Mes “WHERE IN BLAZES DID THAT (itIC) INFERNAL KEY 60 TO? I'M ALMOST SURE I PUT IT ON MY RING BEFORE 1 CAME AWAY PROM THE CLUB.”