Life — August 23, 1900 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

ey POLITICAL GREATEST SHOW 04 4 UNTIL NOVEMBER. that," Isaid, ‘They adore your taste. And now tell me how long you expect to remain here?" “Until I go away,", she returned, earnestly. “A day, a week, a month ! Qui sait!—A quoi bon !— Meanwhile, this is my world.” “You are younger and more fasci- nating than ever!" I exclaimed. “ Art agrees with you!” She smiled divinely. “‘And where is your next book?’ I said. “In my head as yet; one has to consider these things.— A la bonne heure! Froufrou, where hast been?” Madame’s dog appeared for a mo- ment. Ho struck me at once. Such intelligence—such breeding. ‘As I rose to take my leave, I inquired if she would publish any short articles meanwhile. “Ah, you Americans are always in such haste,’ she said. “For you, yes,” I replied. She blushed charmingly. ‘‘ Everyone is so kind,”’ she breathed, I pressed her hand and withdrew, well satisfied with my morning’s téte-a- tte. Adam Dow. -LIPE = Zoological Politics. Tue Jevty Fish anp THE Octopus. HERE was a mingled look of patience and pathos in the face of the Imperial Jelly Fish as he gazed into the beaming countenance of the rugged Octopus. “Mark,” he said, ‘is a backbone really essential to a President?” “Willie,” answered the amiable Oc- topus, ‘spines are worse than non- essential; they are dangerous, Spines are the basis of neurosis, the mainstay of meningitis, the stumbling-block to civil service reform. Your enemies may accuse you of nestling in my breeches pocket, they may allege the need of a biograph to catch the fleeting changesof your mind, but they dare not accuse yon of spinal meningitis. A spine, to a President desiring the en- thusiastic love of his party, is a serious embarrassment. Look at Grover !"” “Thank you,” sighed the sea-moss farine Cesar. ‘I feel relieved. But are any of the other organs of any use in a crisis like this?” Well,” responded the Octopus, ju- dicially, “that depends. A tongue and a mouth have their uses—under proper management. When electrically con- nected with the box office, so that they can be set going or shut up tight, as exigencies demand, they are just sweet. Ears! Well, ears, if not too long to attract rude attention, should be kept hermetically sealed ; and eyes may serve a useful purpose as lachry- mose accompaniments to an appeal to the flag, an allusion to our beloved native land, a tribute to the pension system. There is no answer to the wet eye, or the tongue in the cheek. Hands, Willie! Hands should be kept in your own pockets until the verdict is rendered. For the pockets of our fellow-patriots I will supply hands. ‘Hands Across the Sea’ might as well stay there; they are causing remark now; they are too reaching, too reaching.’’ “Then, Mark,” gurgled the Quiver- ing One, brightening up, “I am endowed with all the organs and attributes needed for this campaign of Patriotism, Platitude and Plunder.” “William,” snickered the Many- Handed Manager, ‘‘ you are just what the doctor ordered.” “Then, Mark,” sang the Jelly Fish, his fair young face aglow, ‘I am the ideal candidate, the amalgam of Wash- ington, Lincoln, Grant, Shafter and all the other fellows you read about?’’ The Business Manager of ‘t The Advance Agent of Prosperity, Imperial, All-Star, Hoochee-Coochee, Anglo- Saxon, Three-Ring Circus’ chuckled as he said, ‘Billy boy, you are the real thing; you are Jt. You are the goodiest good thing Ohio ever sent down the tow-path, and you never passed a dividend. Soft and slippery, patriotic and. tearful, you touch the patriot deeply, my noble Tariff Sharp from Tarifa. Exude tears and talk, my noble boy ; I will press the button. Run in, my Imperial Gurgler, and get oiled down, for an Ohio band of patriots comes this afternoon to throw language into you.” Joreph Smith. erp HEY seem to have had a great many trolley accidents in Brooklyn lately.” “Yes, people are so careless, They will go out on the street.”” Here's A Result! il Bend vivisectors, at last, are really getting somewhere. It is a sickening trade, to be sure, but this discovery is a bigone. We quote from the London Zouphilist. “A Berlin doctor named Kionka has suo- ceeded in producing gout in birds. It had been previously ascertained that by an operation on the kidney tubes or by poisoning with chromic acid this could be done, but Kionka tried a diet of lean horseflesh and water. The birds seemed at first to thrive on this, but in three months’ time they became gouty, their joints became swollen, their feet crippled, they lest weight and died. During their illness they craved for lime, ate greedily of it and drank enormously of water. We are at a loss to discover what all this proves to the doctors, unless it indi- cates that horsefiesh and water induce gout. Our vegetarian friends will be interested in the meat side of the ques- tion, but our teetotal allies will regret that water and not port wine was an element in the unsuitable dietary. We are warned by the Polyelinie not to argue from these experiments on birds to the influence of such a diet on human beings.”” comicbooks.com