Life — August 16, 1900 — page 16: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

WILLIAM WALDORF ASTOR’S LAMENT. (With Apologies to Willam Shakespeare.) Farewell, a long farewell to all my greatness! ‘This ts the state of man ; to-day he tesues cards To some swell musicale ; to-morrow suffers To show his arrogance to all who come ; The third day comes a guest—unwilling guest ; And,—when be snubs Sir Berkeley Milne tn public He writes # card in anger,—apologtzes And then he falls, as To. 1 have ventured Like foollsh millionaires that swim on bladders, This many summers in a sea of royalty ; Bat far beyond my depth : my high-blown pride At length broke under me ; and now has left me, Weary and old with anger, to the mercy Of a rude world that ne'er will tolerate me, England and all else of this world, I hate ye : 1 feel my head new balanced. 0, how wretched Js that poor man that hangs on princes’ favors { ‘There 1s, betwixt that amile we would aspire to, That sweet aspect of princes, and thelr ruin, More pangs and fears than wars or women have ; And when he's snubbed, he’s saubbed as 1am, Never to be received again. —Chicago Saturdoy Evening Hera'd. Hexny F. Dixey was on Broadway again the other day, looking brown as u berry and fit as an athlete after bis month's snjourn at White Plains. “Well you are looking fine," remarked a friend, does Muldoon feed you ont"* “Chicken,” replied Dixey, sententiously, “only he doesn’t know tt yet. You see, next season in ‘The Adventures of Francols,’ Iam to play a thief, so Just by way of getting into training for the part, I steal one of Muldoon's chickens “What every morning, and get the cook to broil it for me on the sly. Ihave accomplished the remarkable feat of eating thirty chickens In thirty consecutive days.”* “And you still ike them? “Yes—and better sitll, the chickens like me Why, when I sneak Into the hen-house now they all cackle: ‘I wish 1 was In Dixey." "—Newa- Letter, Lorp Morris, of the Irish Bench, whose procedure 14 more noted for wit than for Judictal dignity, was once trying. uw case at Coleraine, In which damages were clatmed from a veterinary surgeon for having polsoned a valuable horse. The tasue depended upou whether @ certain number of grains of # particular drug could be safely administered to the animal, A dispensary doctor proved that he had often given elght grains to a man, from which It was to be inferred that twelve for @ horse was hot excessive. “Never mind yer eight grains, docther,” aald the Judge. “ We all know that some potsons are cumulative in effect, and ye may goto the edge of ruln with impunity. But tell me this: The twelve grains—wouldn’t they kill the devil himself If he swallowed them?” ‘The doctor was annoyed and pompously repited : “1 dou't know, My Lord ; ! never had him for a patient."* From the Bench came the answer : “Ab, no, docther, ye iver had, more's the plty! The old bhoy’s still alive." — Ware. AN old man tn Georgia named Jack Baldwin, having lost his hat in an old dry well one day, hitched a rope to a stump and let himseif down. A wicked wag named Neal came along Just then, and, quietly detaching s bell from Baldwin's old bilnd horse, approuched the well, bell In hand, and began to ting-a-ling. Jack thought the old horse was coming, and said : “Hang the old blind horse ; he's coming this way, sure, and he ain't got no more sense than to fall in on me—whoa, Ballt’ The sound came closer. “Great Jerusalem | The old bitnd fool will be right on top of me in a mintt—whoa, Ball—whoa, Ball? Neal kicked a little dirt on Jack's head, und Jack Lega to pray: Ob, Lord, have mercy on—whoa, Ball—a poor sinner; I'm gone now—whoa, Ball—our Father, who art in—whoa, Ball—ballowed be thy—gee, Ball ! gee | what'll | do?—name. Now I lay me down to sl-gee, Ball!" (Just then in fell more dirt.) “Oh, Lord, if you ever intend to do anything for me—back, Ball! whoa'—thy kingdom come—gee, Ball! Oh, Lord, you know 1 was baptized in Smith's mill dam— whoa, Ball! hol up! marder! whoa!" Neal could hold tn no longer, and sbouted a laugh whicd: might have been heard two miles, which was about as far as Jack chased him when he got out —Ailanfa Journal. Booker T. Wasuixoron tells the following story of s member of the“ po'h white trash,” who endeavored to cross ‘a stream by means of a ferry owned by a black man, Uncle Mose,” nald the white man, ‘+1 want tocross, bat Thain't got no money. Uncle Mose scratched his head. money tall?" he queried. .”" sald the wayfaring stranger, “I haven t a cent.” “But it don’t cost but three cents,” Inststed Uncle Mose, “ter cross de ferry.” “Tknow,” sald the white man, “but I haven't got the three cents.” Uncle Mose was In a quandary, “Doss,” he sald,“ done tole you what, ‘Er man whats got no three cents am Jes’ es well off on dis side er der river as on de odder. Exchange. “Doan you got no For salo by all Newsdealers national News Company, Bream’ London, E. C., England, AGENTS, reat Britain. The Inter- juiiding, Chancery Lane, Ecnopran AGENTS—Messrs. Bren! ‘3 Avenue de l'Opera, Paria, Haoos Established 1823. WILSON WHISKEY. That’s All! Look for for the money—consistent in quality, quantity and price. Try Arrow Heat them once—you will smoke them always. Cigar. JACOB STAHL, JR. & CO., Makers, 168th St. & 3rd Ave., N.Y. City Redmond, Kerr& Co. BANKERS, 41 WALL ST., N.Y. Members The Brunswick Cigar is now and always will be the best Cigar THE WILSON DISTILLI Baltimore, Md. Transact a general ‘baoklog business. Receive de} subject to Dividends and reat collected AMERICA’S Fiscal Agent for FAMOUS ie, a YPSILANTI Seen tt aan HEALTH NDERWEA CHEW BEEMAN’S PEPSIN GUM Cures Indigestion and Sea-Sickness. AML Othera aro tnitstions. osits rat, inte: . oY. St , , \commisston. N.Y, Stock Exchange. Prores High-Grade Investment Securities. Lists of current offerings sent on application, PHILADELPHIA. CORRESPONDENTS, GRAHAM, KERR & CO. HAY &TODO) MFG. CO. | mice |