Life — July 5, 1900 — page 8: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

8 *LIFE- Orient, impelled by the noble impulses of patriotism to carry freedom, religion and peace to a wealth-congested market, for we know that commerce follows the dear old flag, even as the wise vulture follows the carrion trade. Patriotism strengthens the vision and enlarges the grasp of a nation, for nothing elevates and spiritualizes a people like killing niggers and punching inferior, colored patriots. As the young patriot lies in the Luzon swamp, adorned with bullet holes, and his dying eyes see the starry banner of his native lan when he thinks of the self-denying hordes of Ohio who will rush in to avenge him by cleaning up the unearned increment, he knows he has not died in vain. What is death to him who respects Ohio? The man who makes two blades of steel stick ina negro’s ribs where only one stuck before is a true patriot. The American patriot of 1900 can look back with pity and contempt upon the ragged rebels of '76, who had neither money nor clothes nor the hope of a pension ; their conduct ther useful nor ed To-day we have a rich, fat, juicy country ; a country well worth letting our young and thoughtless people die for; a country that is neither ungrateful nor ungenerous if properly worked; a country in close ‘touch’ with its patriots. We are a moral as well as a patriotic people. trimmed with morality and adorned with re Patriotism, gious feeling, never appeals in vain to the true American. What a conso- lation to the pious patriot to know that every inferior Tagalog planted in Luzon is a pledge to freedom, and perhaps his estate will cut up well and soothe the surviv- ing superior race, True patriotism in this land goes out in sympathy to true patriotism everywhere. When the barbarian Boer swatted the pious Briton at Spion Kop, Canton and Boston wept ; when ‘* Bobs”’ marched into Pretoria, Ohio’s bosom swelled with sympathetic pride, and the children of Indiana—exiled from Cuba—drooled at the mouth as they thought of the gold mines, Yes, indeed! The same high and noble passions that stir England’s breast when she is pushing humanity and the flag down Boer throats, swell ours as we sandbag the effete Filipino. The merry music of looted lucre jingles joyously in the moral ears of both branches of the patriotic English-speaking peoples. Next to plunder, politely termed trade, patriotism is the dominant passion of America. It is the handinaid of civilization, the stepmother of religion, the maic ethics, the bride of death, disease and destruction ; we will cease to be patriotic when we cease to be predatory. For how can men do better than kill at sixty rods ‘The race that wears the fetter of the nasty, heathen gods. Joseph Smith, A GENIUS is a madman whose excesses are all sane. Aging. M35 SUMMIT: That young Mr. Calloway doesn't know nearly as much as I thought he did. Miss Patisape: You must remember he has been out of college fully two years now. The Dinner. ‘pre “a of the dinner is to spend as much money as possible on food for a given nuinber of persons who haven't the cour to refuse to attend. Competition is not only the life of trade, but of society, and it is only by competition that dinners have come to their present state of ind pilit The first dinner party given was in the Garden of Ed Eve asked Adam to be present at an in since then the idea has been steadily growing. There is supposed to be nothing like a dinner to promote social intercourse. Social intercourse is the ability to talk without thinking, and the food that taxes the stomach most takes all the more blood away from the brain, thus rendering the function much easier to social novices. This is why men can usually be persuaded to attend a dinner, when they would run from an afternoon tea. ‘The ability of the average human being to enjoy a modern dinner depends upon the proportionate size of his brain to that of his stomach, A man with a large brain and a small stomach has no innings at a dinner, but the process of evolution is rapidly develop- ing a race of beings who are all stomachs and no brains, and who absorb food with the same ease that they their tongues to talk with, The proper accompa nt to all dinners should be wind, women and wittles. The gentle breezes of ordinary dinner talk should be succeeded by after-dinner speeches in the shape of well- worn witticisms that arouse gales of merriment. As for the women, they should never be absent from a dinner, which, without them, is fit only for politics ; and as for the wittles, anything that under no circumstances a man would ever eat by himself, is considered to be the best form, when ormal apple opening, and GETTING READY FOR THE FOURTH OP JULY AT THE 200. comicbooks.com