Life — June 21, 1900 — page 14: what you’re looking at

Machine-transcribed from the original scan — historical spelling and the odd misread are preserved.

FULL MOON EREWITH is the last installment of contributions to the Meanest City Contest. Many others, in themselves containing much that was clever, have of necessity been omitted because of lack of space. Announcement of the award will be made in Lire’s issue of July 5th. CHICAGO, Madame Chicago, may her tribe decrease, Awoke one night from dreams of bolling grease, And saw, within the fumes of beef and pork, That peeriess mirth-provoker of New York, Live's angel, writing In a book of gold. Excess of sin had made Chicago bold, And to the shining visitant she sald,— “What writest thou?” ‘The viston raised Its bead, And sald, with voice that Justice must applaud,— “Loffer fifty dollars for reward To whomsoe'er successfully debates The meanest clty in th’ United States."* Chicago then, with greed’s assurance bland, Said, ** Put me down as leader of the band. Whatever meanness may in others be 14 multipited a hundred-foid in me, My slanghter-houses, in offensive rows, Make half the city wear a turned-up nose, ‘The other half, before the bleak lake breeze, ‘To save itself turns down its nose to sneeze. Police, with heads as empty as thelr tists, Posing aa Ireland's exiled pugiitsts, Blockade my streets with tnsotence sublime, ‘The stlent partners ta the spoils of crime ; While thieves and anarchists, in full control, Patrol the beat while beating the patrol. Bank-noted only are my famous hordes, Whose hog -* pens,” certain, “ mightier” are than swords. Some sages say my city soon will sink Beneath the lake to get a temperance drink, And liquidate Its debts, but such a food Poured on my filth would only end tn mud.” Chicago would have boasted other things, But suddenly the angel spread her wings, And left the suppltant guzing at the sky, The first time in this Anno Domini, One fair June morning, with awakening light, Again the angel came, in Justice bright, And showed the names of all that met the test, And lo! Chicago's name led all the rest. Clayton Knor. of Yale students and boarding-house keepers. The aristocracy consists of peopte who ure not intellectual enough to live in Boston, and too poor to get to New York, In New Haven, a stranger who desires a meal on Sunday must resort to an * Owl-wagon,”* which, owing to some pecullarity in the chlef article of fare, {s called in the vernacular, * Dog-wagon.” It is tmmoral to be hungry on Sunday in New Haven. New Haven‘a sense of propriety 1s #0 rigid that a couple must not kiss to the street under penalty of fifty dollars foe, Her pure-mindedness forbids athletes to appear in running clothes within five miles of the city. It ts noticeable that Zaza" has been the most popular play of the season here. New Haven drinks only water imported from Chicago, as the native product 18 too vile for human consumption, The town council (a most public-spirited body) refuses to remedy the existing conditions, Evil- minded persons have started a rumor that some of the city fathers are personally Interested in the company which {mports the water. In New Haven the pavements are exclusively brick. The life of a brick pavement {s usually five years, but here they last ten. It is no business of ours if they do turn them over and use the bottoms -a really mean town might use the sides! Two Victims. LOS ANGELES. One could not find two words which denote more unpleasant characterts- Ucs than those which, with hideous Irony, name this place * City of Angels.” Having no resources of {ts own, It ilves upon six things: 1. Climate. 2, The memory of one boom. 3. The hope of another. 4. Eastern tourtsta, 5, Wind, 6. Lies. Its rulers recetve salaries for “participating with contractors, and drawing salaries. It contains forty square miles—mostly vacant lots, some houses—mostly empty, 140,000 people according to Its press - 60,000 according to census, It numbers 2,000 real estate agents, 1,000 physicians, 999 lawyers, 100 clients, £0,000 invalids, 50,000 Idle men, no good servants, 20 000 capitalists: without investments, 30,000 fine Investments awaiting capital, twenty banks which cannot lend money, 60,000 people who cannot borrow It, 2,000 rea- taurants, 10,000 hungry people. Ithas five hundred miles of street railway operated by electricity and receivers. When street cara are not mangling citizens, thetr owners are dividing the fares with collusive footpads, if an Eastern tourist venture out at noon, he 1s overcome by heat; If at